YukiFox
Pastel demon
- Dec 8, 2018
- 320
I'm prepared to any criticism of this post, it will be welcome. But I need to explain something with me.
I consider suicide since 16 years old, but I didn't have any serious attempt until the last 3 years (I'm 32 now). I was pro-life about some time since a college friend died by suicide in 2013, but I surrender and started to consider death as well, not as a copycat, only because it relieves me to accept it.
Well, the point is that I'm not postponing my suicide for family reasons, since I lost both parents this year. I'm not in a relationship with anyone (Love and sex it's indifferent to me), or have any children. The reason that I'm not deciding yet it's because of Stereotypes.
Stereotype number 1: The suicidal writer / artist. Yes, a lot of writers and artists killed themselves in the history of humanity. Despite I don't have any book published yet, I consider myself a writer and I decided to study Literature in college to help me with that. But I'm tremendously inconstant with my creativity process. I only finished one novel in my entire life, and I have 8 different projects archived or untouched in months or years. I want to resume some of 2 projects and finished it before my death. However, I'm afraid to contribute with another brick in the wall of the "tortured soul writer", with David Foster Wallace as a recent event of self destruction. So I'm tired to that link between suffering and artistry, since it's not an absolute equivalency. I'm a more "cerebral" or logical writer, I don't believe in the muse or think that I must require alcohol or drugs to write.
Second stereotype: suicide among transgender people. This bugs me more than the first one. Since I came out as transgender woman, I feel more satisfied with my own perception. I plan all the transition goals like hormone replacement therapy and legal name change. Thinking about a more femenine appearance and have a relationship as a woman in the future glads my heart. Thus, the gender dysphoria, or discrimination, doesn't affect me at-large. I'm fine as transgender, even I can't achieve some goals that I expected this year (F&#*$ covid), but anyway, I feel happy with myself. Well, the point is, that I don't want to be another statistic of a transgender person who killed themself among the social transphobia. I sincerely want to shut up the f@#$($ motuh of transgender exclusionists and conservatives who mocked about the suicide of transgender people and repeat as a bad joke the 40% statistic. I don't want to be known as another transgender woman who killed herself.
The recently trigger of suicidal thoughts was my financial struggles and debts. But I remember all that kind of thoughts about stereotypes that keeps me in this conscious world. Perhaps my worlds are stupid, bu$*%*%it for another persons who have worse lives than me. But anyway, suicidal thoughts, and death in general, it's my only drug. I sniff daily amounts of tanatophilia.
I consider suicide since 16 years old, but I didn't have any serious attempt until the last 3 years (I'm 32 now). I was pro-life about some time since a college friend died by suicide in 2013, but I surrender and started to consider death as well, not as a copycat, only because it relieves me to accept it.
Well, the point is that I'm not postponing my suicide for family reasons, since I lost both parents this year. I'm not in a relationship with anyone (Love and sex it's indifferent to me), or have any children. The reason that I'm not deciding yet it's because of Stereotypes.
Stereotype number 1: The suicidal writer / artist. Yes, a lot of writers and artists killed themselves in the history of humanity. Despite I don't have any book published yet, I consider myself a writer and I decided to study Literature in college to help me with that. But I'm tremendously inconstant with my creativity process. I only finished one novel in my entire life, and I have 8 different projects archived or untouched in months or years. I want to resume some of 2 projects and finished it before my death. However, I'm afraid to contribute with another brick in the wall of the "tortured soul writer", with David Foster Wallace as a recent event of self destruction. So I'm tired to that link between suffering and artistry, since it's not an absolute equivalency. I'm a more "cerebral" or logical writer, I don't believe in the muse or think that I must require alcohol or drugs to write.
Second stereotype: suicide among transgender people. This bugs me more than the first one. Since I came out as transgender woman, I feel more satisfied with my own perception. I plan all the transition goals like hormone replacement therapy and legal name change. Thinking about a more femenine appearance and have a relationship as a woman in the future glads my heart. Thus, the gender dysphoria, or discrimination, doesn't affect me at-large. I'm fine as transgender, even I can't achieve some goals that I expected this year (F&#*$ covid), but anyway, I feel happy with myself. Well, the point is, that I don't want to be another statistic of a transgender person who killed themself among the social transphobia. I sincerely want to shut up the f@#$($ motuh of transgender exclusionists and conservatives who mocked about the suicide of transgender people and repeat as a bad joke the 40% statistic. I don't want to be known as another transgender woman who killed herself.
The recently trigger of suicidal thoughts was my financial struggles and debts. But I remember all that kind of thoughts about stereotypes that keeps me in this conscious world. Perhaps my worlds are stupid, bu$*%*%it for another persons who have worse lives than me. But anyway, suicidal thoughts, and death in general, it's my only drug. I sniff daily amounts of tanatophilia.
