Discussion Staying Alive

[inpursuitofpeace]

Does anyone else wish that they could die, but know that an attempt wouldn't be successful, so they rationalize through it while simultaneously feeling trapped and are kind of forced to live? I'm stuck in the in between where I partially want to die and partially want to live, but due to not having resources to attempt, I am forced to keep surviving, so I'm trying to make the most of it and trying to focus on recovery. It isn't going super well, but it isn't super bad either. Can someone please hopefully tell me that I'm not alone in feeling this way?

 

[NambaSutra]

I think an attempt would be successful but I'm just a big chicken so I live everyday with my emotional pain and don't make an attempt.

 

[EmpathyMinded]

Does anyone else wish that they could die, but know that an attempt wouldn't be successful, so they rationalize through it while simultaneously feeling trapped and are kind of forced to live? I'm stuck in the in between where I partially want to die and partially want to live, but due to not having resources to attempt, I am forced to keep surviving, so I'm trying to make the most of it and trying to focus on recovery. It isn't going super well, but it isn't super bad either. Can someone please hopefully tell me that I'm not alone in feeling this way?

You're feeling exactly how I just was before a recent life change. The best thing you can do is take the top few things you get some happiness or peace of mind out of while doing them and focus on that. Anything that makes you feel good. And just embrace them that much more. Live in the moment of doing them as much as life circumstances allow. At the same time, push to try for the odd thing that you feel like could improve your life if it goes well; don't assume you'll succeed, hell go in expecting failure as much as possible, but still do it.

This got me through a rough last couple of years. I finally just got a great new job recently and it's improved my circumstances a great deal. Those pastimes kept me afloat more comfortably until I did. So I'm recommending it from my experience of it helping me. If you think that or some version of it could help you, consider giving it a go.

 

[UsagiDrop]

You're not alone at all. The things that are "forcing" me to stay here are a little different, though. And to be honest, my method of choice is always available to me. I just resist doing it as much as I can, because I have to be here, I have to be alive for now. I kind of still don't want to be though lol, so yeah, gotta make the best of it somehow. The in between is a weird place to be, I feel you. But because I'm in a similar position, I unfortunately don't really know what to do about it either.

As long as a part of you wants to live, you should live. I'm really happy that you're actively trying recovery and I hope that you can be proud of the efforts you're making despite part of you not wanting to be alive. It sucks when you don't want to be here but just try to find a little something to hold onto every day, until you can see those better days that you're working towards. And while you're climbing that hill and fighting those battles, just know you'll never be alone in the experience because some of us are right there with you. I hope everything goes really, really well for you.

 

[inpursuitofpeace]

I think an attempt would be successful but I'm just a big chicken so I live everyday with my emotional pain and don't make an attempt.

Unfortunately, I've tried so many times (some more serious than others). I haven't been successful because someone intervened or my own survival instincts kicked in after I made it through the 'danger window' of 12 + hours. I have some minor organ damage because of it. Obviously, there's always that chance though that dying could happen. I'm glad for your sake that you haven't attempted, but sorry you're living through so much pain.

You're not alone at all. The things that are "forcing" me to stay here are a little different, though. And to be honest, my method of choice is always available to me. I just resist doing it as much as I can, because I have to be here, I have to be alive for now. I kind of still don't want to be though lol, so yeah, gotta make the best of it somehow. The in between is a weird place to be, I feel you. But because I'm in a similar position, I unfortunately don't really know what to do about it either.

As long as a part of you wants to live, you should live. I'm really happy that you're actively trying recovery and I hope that you can be proud of the efforts you're making despite part of you not wanting to be alive. It sucks when you don't want to be here but just try to find a little something to hold onto every day, until you can see those better days that you're working towards. And while you're climbing that hill and fighting those battles, just know you'll never be alone in the experience because some of us are right there with you. I hope everything goes really, really well for you.

Thanks so much. Unfortunately the things that were keeping me going and feeling hopeful fell apart and shattered my world a bit. I'm still trying to hold onto the hope that this is temporary and eventually it'll get better. But yes, the in between is so, so hard. I feel a lot of pressure from society to keep going, which stinks, but in some ways, it helps me stick around. It's just tough to keep pushing through all of the hardships that are currently relentless.

I hope things go well with you too.

 

[SoftWorries]

I think it would be neat to wake up at a respawn point

 

[UsagiDrop]

I'm still trying to hold onto the hope that this is temporary and eventually it'll get better.

I'm really sorry that the things you were hopeful for fell apart. Browsing the forums, I've seen a sentiment that's been shared a few times by a few people in a few ways that gave me a little comfort every time I read it; life is a cycle. Sometimes it's bad. We lose hope, things seem bleak and pointless and we don't have a reason to go on anymore. And then other times, it's okay. Even good. Something good happens and we can find little things to be hopeful for again. Our worlds may shatter and crumble over and over again but if we want to keep living, we find ways to build them up again and make them a little different each time. Hopefully a little better. And the kicker is that even if we recover, things will still be like that. Life is a battle that never ends and there are so many different variables and moving parts in every single person's story. Some of us don't want to fight it and we certainly don't have to. Some of us choose to fight happily, for whatever reason. And then there are those of us who are in between, just being pushed and pulled in the motions of what feels like a war, feeling worse and then better and then worse again. Trying to make the most of it all. The good news is that none of us are making the wrong choices, just the ones that work for us. We don't deserve to be judged for it or pressured into making a different choice, or into feeling differently than we already do. It doesn't help anyone.

The pressure from society is definitely awful so I hope I'm not adding to it by saying something like that. I just wanna give you a little hope that things can get better, so if that's what you're holding onto, I hope you can hold onto it for a little bit longer. Just until things cycle into being a little bit more bearable again, which I have good faith in it going that way for you. Sometimes, "temporary" can feel like forever. I am more than a decade into my "temporary" but sometimes I find myself holding onto a hope that it has an end, too, though I can't say I'm necessarily living to see it— if it comes, then good. I'd have fought enough to see it and I can look back and be proud of it. And if it doesn't, that's okay. I still fought, so I can still feel proud of it in the end.

It's really tough but you have people here that understand and are rooting for you, people who see the efforts that you are making to live. It's okay if you don't want to keep fighting sometimes, despite what society says. Those feelings are valid and it takes a great effort to keep fighting this fight, unfortunately it's just a fight that society doesn't seem to want to understand so we're forced to be a little isolated in the meantime. :') But as long as you have even a little reason to want to keep fighting, keep fighting.

Thank you for the well wishes! If you can and feel up to it, please keep us updated on how things are going every now and again.

 

[EmpathyMinded]

I'm really sorry that the things you were hopeful for fell apart. Browsing the forums, I've seen a sentiment that's been shared a few times by a few people in a few ways that gave me a little comfort every time I read it; life is a cycle. Sometimes it's bad. We lose hope, things seem bleak and pointless and we don't have a reason to go on anymore. And then other times, it's okay. Even good. Something good happens and we can find little things to be hopeful for again. Our worlds may shatter and crumble over and over again but if we want to keep living, we find ways to build them up again and make them a little different each time. Hopefully a little better. And the kicker is that even if we recover, things will still be like that. Life is a battle that never ends and there are so many different variables and moving parts in every single person's story. Some of us don't want to fight it and we certainly don't have to. Some of us choose to fight happily, for whatever reason. And then there are those of us who are in between, just being pushed and pulled in the motions of what feels like a war, feeling worse and then better and then worse again. Trying to make the most of it all. The good news is that none of us are making the wrong choices, just the ones that work for us. We don't deserve to be judged for it or pressured into making a different choice, or into feeling differently than we already do. It doesn't help anyone.

The pressure from society is definitely awful so I hope I'm not adding to it by saying something like that. I just wanna give you a little hope that things can get better, so if that's what you're holding onto, I hope you can hold onto it for a little bit longer. Just until things cycle into being a little bit more bearable again, which I have good faith in it going that way for you. Sometimes, "temporary" can feel like forever. I am more than a decade into my "temporary" but sometimes I find myself holding onto a hope that it has an end, too, though I can't say I'm necessarily living to see it— if it comes, then good. I'd have fought enough to see it and I can look back and be proud of it. And if it doesn't, that's okay. I still fought, so I can still feel proud of it in the end.

It's really tough but you have people here that understand and are rooting for you, people who see the efforts that you are making to live. It's okay if you don't want to keep fighting sometimes, despite what society says. Those feelings are valid and it takes a great effort to keep fighting this fight, unfortunately it's just a fight that society doesn't seem to want to understand so we're forced to be a little isolated in the meantime. :') But as long as you have even a little reason to want to keep fighting, keep fighting.

Thank you for the well wishes! If you can and feel up to it, please keep us updated on how things are going every now and again.

That stuff about a cycle is 100% true. I like to say life is like standing at the shore of a beach. Behind us, the world we know, ahead the unfamiliar. Sometimes there will be storms so intense the waves just pound and crash, and we are helpless and miserable and the end of that storm can seem like it will never come. And sometimes, the sun shines and the waves gently kiss our toes as they sink in the warm sand. That we can't choose when it will do which doesn't take away from the beauty when it is the better kind. We just have to hold onto the memory of that better possibility when the storm comes, and when it is gone it will make the peace of those better times feel all the sweeter in contrast. Ugliness can have that way of making the beautiful things shine all the brighter when we do have them, so I try to embrace that the best I can.

 

[UsagiDrop]

Behind us, the world we know, ahead the unfamiliar.

This is a beautiful way to look at it, but it makes me a little homesick haha.

Ugliness can have that way of making the beautiful things shine all the brighter when we do have them, so I try to embrace that the best I can.

And this is very true too, though it can be hard to remember. I've been through a few hurricanes and recall the calm of the beaches afterwards, the relief we felt that something so stressful and terrifying to go through was over. I suppose life really can be like that; we go through storms and hurricanes but in the end we get treated with a moment of peace. It's hard to wait for our storms and hurricanes to end but it's good to hold onto the hope that we'll gain that feeling again one day, even if its the only and last thing we have to hold on to.

Thank you for sharing your perspectives, I really enjoy reading them!

 

[EmpathyMinded]

This is a beautiful way to look at it, but it makes me a little homesick haha.

And this is very true too, though it can be hard to remember. I've been through a few hurricanes and recall the calm of the beaches afterwards, the relief we felt that something so stressful and terrifying to go through was over. I suppose life really can be like that; we go through storms and hurricanes but in the end we get treated with a moment of peace. It's hard to wait for our storms and hurricanes to end but it's good to hold onto the hope that we'll gain that feeling again one day, even if its the only and last thing we have to hold on to.

Thank you for sharing your perspectives, I really enjoy reading them!

Thanks I'm glad you could find something meaningful in them.