Discussion Staying alive purely for someone else?

[Worthless_nobody]

All these years I have just been existing for my mom. I'm sadly an only child and I know my death will kill her too. I'm just so miserable and ready...yet she make me feels so bad with her kindness and trying everything to help me. I'm too far gone. The things that I need to deem life tolerable she can't get for me.

I have a husband now (mostly marriage him pitty me and of convenience) but it's my mom I worry about. I'm just really struggling how to process this guilt of what I'll do to her. It's been 13 years now I been suicidal and especially the last 3 it's gotten worse. I have tried to prepare her and write notes. She is so amazing she hasn't ever mentioned sending me to psychiatric prison...what else can I do to prepare her? I guess there is no way to not feel guilty about it? I want to put my suffering and feelings first but it's hard...can anyone relate?

 

[bigdog]

If your mother is such a wonderful women I would help her as long as I breathe. But in my case everybody will just move on so

 

[beatenghost]

My cats. I cannot bear leaving them alone in this world, who knows what would happen to them. Once they have passed I will be following them hopefully on the same day

 

[Deleted member 17949]

Nobody is important enough to make me go through any more of this horrible life tbh

 

[strawberryfield]

i completely understand how you're feeling. you shouldn't feel guilty because it's not your fault you feel this way.
have you ever sat down with her and fully explained to her how you feel? if you're too scared to talk in person then maybe text her or leave her a letter. i think no matter what you do, she will still be still be distraught but if she understands then maybe it would be easier for her?

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

I empathize so strongly with you. Like you, I am married, but my husband has a large family and I think he will be well cared for and will eventually move on and have a *better* life than the one he has with me.

Like you, I'm also the only child of a single mother. I know my death would kill her. Perhaps just the announcement of my death might give her a heart attack. If she manages to survive the news, she will be beyond sad for the rest of her days. She may think she failed as a parent, which is not something I believe at all. I don't want her to experience that suffering.

But I also don't want to endure any of my suffering. Would she want me to? Could she possibly understand? It's an eternal struggle.

 

[Sinai Silence]

It really sucks being an only child, like not only did they invest everything into one child but they made a very poor investment in me. I wouldn't know how to make your mother understand and respect your wishes to ctb, my mum barely understands anything to do with my mental health so I think it would be impossible.

I've actively and passively tried to distance myself from my family to make it easier for them when I go, it sounds like your mother cares a lot about you so I wouldn't suggest the same. How long do you feel you can keep living on for her?

 

[Worthless_nobody]

My cats. I cannot bear leaving them alone in this world, who knows what would happen to them. Once they have passed I will be following them hopefully on the same day

I waited till my 16 year old dog died but I have another dog who is much younger and I'm not sure I can't stick around for him any longer. He will serve as confort to my mom when I pass.

 

[Werewolf]

I certainly can. In my case it's my father and it's basically the thought of the utter hell I would be putting him through that has kept me for all these years.
Im not a young man anymore and he is retired but through every step and stumble he has been there for me even as an adult, always, even though at times he had every reason to just be done with it and walk away no one would have blamed him.

My current semi-ridiculous plan is to slowly drink myself to death until either my father is gone or my existence has turned from simply staying alive to actually living.

It might not be a valid reason to remain in this world just for the sole comfort of someone else, but maybe the comfort that person provides you with is. Who know.

 

[rhiino]

I am in a very similar situation. I think it might be harder for some to overcome the guilt of the pain we inflict on our loved ones than to overcome survival instinct.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

i completely understand how you're feeling. you shouldn't feel guilty because it's not your fault you feel this way.
have you ever sat down with her and fully explained to her how you feel? if you're too scared to talk in person then maybe text her or leave her a letter. i think no matter what you do, she will still be still be distraught but if she understands then maybe it would be easier for her?

I have sat down with her and told her every detail of why I want to ctb and that I eventually will. She understands and is very easy to talk to I don't fear psychiatric prison. I tell her she is the best mom in the world and this is not her fault. But I know no matter what I say she still loves me and wants me around... because she is my mom...I know I'll never change her mind.

It really sucks being an only child, like not only did they invest everything into one child but they made a very poor investment in me. I wouldn't know how to make your mother understand and respect your wishes to ctb, my mum barely understands anything to do with my mental health so I think it would be impossible.

I've actively and passively tried to distance myself from my family to make it easier for them when I go, it sounds like your mother cares a lot about you so I wouldn't suggest the same. How long do you feel you can keep living on for her?

Bring only child is terrible. My mom invested her whole life into me and I'm such a failure.. It's not her fault I got abused and raped and in pain from an evil ex. I wouldn't feel so bad if I had a sibling to comfort her when I die...it doesn't help my mom has no friends and is alone herself...my dad isn't very supportive. I think if I could get a tolerable quality of life I might wait it out till she passes.

 

[262653]

Having to choose between one's own suffering and the suffering of others shows how fucked up life is. Very unfortunate for people with a heightened sense of empathy. Can't relate. I don't know why you're feeling guilty. Why are you feeling guilty? I don't. I don't know to whom my life belongs but certainly not to my mother.
Her pain and suffering are her own, just like mine are my own, and what I do with mine is my business.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

I am in a very similar situation. I think it might be harder for some to overcome the guilt of the pain we inflict on our loved ones than to overcome survival instinct.

Yep I agree. I think I have gotten over survival instinct to a point.. but the guilt of leaving loved ones has me so nauseated and that my new survival instinct...that's why I'm another thread I think the only way I'll ever do it is to be pushed over edge not "impulsive" in that sense but impulsive in it was a tipping point...or else I feel stuck in limbo.

I empathize so strongly with you. Like you, I am married, but my husband has a large family and I think he will be well cared for and will eventually move on and have a *better* life than the one he has with me.

Like you, I'm also the only child of a single mother. I know my death would kill her. Perhaps just the announcement of my death might give her a heart attack. If she manages to survive the news, she will be beyond sad for the rest of her days. She may think she failed as a parent, which is not something I believe at all. I don't want her to experience that suffering.

But I also don't want to endure any of my suffering. Would she want me to? Could she possibly understand? It's an eternal struggle.

Your story is similar to mine. I know my husband bwill be ok without me.. he really doesn't need me. It breaks my heart my mom might feel like she failed as a parent. She has been the best it's just my garbage life and past that have worn me down...now more bad news. I feel like I'm more of a burden to her though but she would never think that.

 

[Sinai Silence]

I have sat down with her and told her every detail of why I want to ctb and that I eventually will. She understands and is very easy to talk to I don't fear psychiatric prison. I tell her she is the best mom in the world and this is not her fault. But I know no matter what I say she still loves me and wants me around... because she is my mom...I know I'll never change her mind.


Bring only child is terrible. My mom invested her whole life into me and I'm such a failure.. It's not her fault I got abused and raped and in pain from an evil ex. I wouldn't feel so bad if I had a sibling to comfort her when I die...it doesn't help my mom has no friends and is alone herself...my dad isn't very supportive. I think if I could get a tolerable quality of life I might wait it out till she passes.

I relate a lot to what you write. It is quite incredible that you sat down with her, told her everything and she accepted it, I wish my mother was so understanding. I'm sure she would appreciate it if you did stick around but she will understand if you do ctb. Its a shame to hear she doesn't have many friends and your dad doesn't support her, she sounds like such a lovely woman.

It breaks my heart to hear you were a victim of rape and abuse, the amount of victims on this site really puts into perspective how much evil there is in the world. I know it wont help but I'm sending hugs to you and your mother

 

[Worthless_nobody]

Having to choose between one's own suffering and the suffering of others shows how fucked up life is. Very unfortunate for people with a heightened sense of empathy. Can't relate. I don't know why you're feeling guilty. Why are you feeling guilty? I don't. I don't know to whom my life belongs but certainly not to my mother.
Her pain and suffering are her own, just like mine are my own, and what I do with mine is my business.

I feel guilty because once I ctb I know it will literally kill her...I'm an only child sadly. My dad isn't supportive and she invested her life in me only for unfortunate circumstances to make me so miserable I want to ctb. I don't feel guilty about anyone else but her. Plus she has tried so hard to help me...I guess that's why I feel guilty.

I relate a lot to what you write. It is quite incredible that you sat down with her, told her everything and she accepted it, I wish my mother was so understanding. I'm sure she would appreciate it if you did stick around but she will understand if you do ctb. Its a shame to hear she doesn't have many friends and your dad doesn't support her, she sounds like such a lovely woman.

It breaks my heart to hear you were a victim of rape and abuse, the amount of victims on this site really puts into perspective how much evil there is in the world. I know it wont help but I'm sending hugs to you and your mother

Awe hugs right back at you. Thanks for your kindness and support.

 

[Existingnotliving]

I relate to this somewhat. I am now my Mothers only child, my elder sister died 7 years ago at the age of 20 and it has broken my Mum. My Mum and I ain't really that close now, we have a lot of issues yet I feel awful about leaving her childless, I honestly don't think she'd survive. It's such a shit situation to be in. Not easy to contemplate leaving someone completely childless :(

 

[Fragile]

So sorry that you are dealing with this, and I feel you. I'm only living for the sake of my mother and my brothers. They will be crushed when it happens, but I can't go on like this.

Right now I'm only buying as much time as possible before I leave them, just waiting for them to be in a better place so it doesn't hurt as much, but deep down I know that there is so much I can do and it will devastate them one way or the other.

I have my N ready and I could do it any time I wanted, and not a day goes by where every inch of my body doesn't asks me to do it, but I just have to fight it until I can fight no more.

 

[Nymph]

My bunny

 

[deadgirlahsatan]

My cat.

 

[draw a circle]

Literally this meme but real talk though. I'm also an only child and was the golden child of my family (graduated high school early, got into a good university, never breaks any rule intentionally, is a good kid all around except for a few flaws they overlooked). I think my death, especially by suicide, would break these people's hearts. Doesn't stop me from feeling it, but definitely a big part of why I can't go through my plan. On the other hand, it would be difficult to explain to them why I need a therapist and possibly a year off-- they're nice people, but still uneducated on mental health. And I can't just waste all that money they spent on my tuition for, what, mental breakdown? My mother would understand, but I will still feel guilty, especially since I can't be sure I will be "cured".

 

[Worthless_nobody]

Literally this meme but real talk though. I'm also an only child and was the golden child of my family (graduated high school early, got into a good university, never breaks any rule intentionally, is a good kid all around except for a few flaws they overlooked). I think my death, especially by suicide, would break these people's hearts. Doesn't stop me from feeling it, but definitely a big part of why I can't go through my plan. On the other hand, it would be difficult to explain to them why I need a therapist and possibly a year off-- they're nice people, but still uneducated on mental health. And I can't just waste all that money they spent on my tuition for, what, mental breakdown? My mother would understand, but I will still feel guilty, especially since I can't be sure I will be "cured".

Lol that meme I think I saw that tape advertised on TV.
I understand how you feel. People seem to envy and stereotype only children but it really complicates things especially ctb related. I feel so horrible all the money time and effort my mom put into me will go down drain. I know no one in my immediate family will be surprised though. My mom knows I'm suicidal I have tried preparing her so she knows it was my decision and nothing was her fault. She has been the best mom possible...I have just a very terrible life circumstances that she had no control over. Hanging on till she passes is an option I consider but I don't know...I just want to get this over with.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

I wish I could get my mom to understand. She's so sweet. She calls twice a day now, and one is always FaceTime so she can see me. She wants to know that I'm okay. I always tell her I'm fine, so that she doesn't worry. I'm not fine.

Love the meme! Thanks for sharing!

 

[pleasethistime]

I am in this situation. Empathy stay is way worse than survival instinct stay.