Venting Staying Alive out of Spite

[ratpudding]

Does anyone here feel like they're staying alive out of spite?
I consider my main reason for living the only 5 people I talk to (3 friends, boyfriend and grandma)
But my secondary reason is definitely to spite my parents.

My dad was physically abusive and once I was diagnosed with ADHD he started parading me to different psychiatrists to drug me up and give me different doses of medications every day. He would starve me for any reason (gained weight over the weekend at mom's house, got a C on my report card, etc) I still hold that he was trying to kill me in a way that would look like I did it to myself, since everyone knew I wanted to ctb (this was age 9-12 w the meds, abuse was happening since I was about 6)
On the other end, my mom was neglectful, leaving me home for weeks at a time to go see her boyfriend out of state, never had enough money to buy me new shampoo. Just leave me with her food stamps card. My sister's son was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago, but hes fully recovered now, no problems except hey may be hard of hearing as after effects of chemotherapy (No contact with her or my parents) But the two of them LEAPT at the opportunity it be 'Oh poor me, my son/grandson has cancer, I need a free meal, free this, free that'
Years later they're still doing these performative charades for attention. I can only imagine that would come of the daughter/sister ending it all.

I feel like, besides not wanting to upset my loved ones, not wanting to give the others the satisfaction of me dying is pretty effective. Even though I feel like my loved ones would be able to move on, my death would be milked to the end for attention and pity by the others and refuse to give it to them, no matter how miserable I feel day-to-day. I have to at least outlive them. They're both in their mid-late 50s now though. Neither of them are in that great of health, so maybe I won't have to wait too long.

 

[OrcWitch]

But the two of them LEAPT at the opportunity it be 'Oh poor me, my son/grandson has cancer, I need a free meal, free this, free that'
Years later they're still doing these performative charades for attention. I can only imagine that would come of the daughter/sister ending it all.

Relatable. The thought of my narcissistic mom and her golden retriever of a daughter using me as a sympathy prop on facebook makes my blood boil. They absolutely would, and I wouldn't be around to correct the record that they both heavily contribute to me being this way. They got drunk together when I was young, and my mom threw shit at me while my sister laughed at me crying. When I botched a suicide attempt 2 months after my mom kicking me out at 19, her golden retriever just cursed at me. I have no contact with either of them. 4 daughters and only 1 is willing to speak to her, and that is her cowardly little dog that was the most shielded from her abuse. I don't know if they'll find out about my death, I hope they don't. My death serving as a way for her to obtain attention is certainly motivation to keep living, I would prefer that stupid cow was burning in hell before I die. But I don't think spite is entirely enough for me to keep going, but it is a factor in wanting to live.

Your childhood sounds quite hard. It would be an injustice for people that are responsible for your emotional state to benefit from your CTB.

 

[ratpudding]

Relatable. The thought of my narcissistic mom and her golden retriever of a daughter using me as a sympathy prop on facebook makes my blood boil. They absolutely would, and I wouldn't be around to correct the record that they both heavily contribute to me being this way. They got drunk together when I was young, and my mom threw shit at me while my sister laughed at me crying.

I can relate to that as well, but maybe not exactly. My mom was definitely a "functional" alcoholic. Y'know, 'add water to your shampoo so it'll last longer, I'm going out drinking tonight' type.
My sister on the other hand, was very much the golden child but she took a different approach to tormenting me. I had a horrible fear of costumes (particularyl mascot costumes but anything without a visible face was a problem) and she and her friends would go out of their way to buy masks to chase me with, which really just further traumatized me. I'd have full on panic attacks and they wouldn't stop. She's 6 years older than me, so for example when she was 14 she knew better than to do that to a 8 year old. Finally got over the fear at age 13 lmao.
She and my mom were so close, my mom knew about what she was doing and while she didn't endorse it my sister was never punished for it. My mom managed to fuck up though, she coerced my sister into having an affair (not surprising for either of them, my mom was dating a married man and my sister isn't known for being loyal) But, when my sisters husband decided to work it out instead of getting divorced my mom freaked out and now shed borderline banned from their house lol. She used to go and stay for weeks at a time, sometimes even a month or 2 but now its a week max every few months, if that. Funniest thing is, my sister was the last bridge she had to our family at all. Nobody else has contact. I hear things from my grandma who talks to my sister who talks to my mom.

 

[OrcWitch]

I can relate to that as well, but maybe not exactly. My mom was definitely a "functional" alcoholic. Y'know, 'add water to your shampoo so it'll last longer, I'm going out drinking tonight' type.
My sister on the other hand, was very much the golden child but she took a different approach to tormenting me. I had a horrible fear of costumes (particularyl mascot costumes but anything without a visible face was a problem) and she and her friends would go out of their way to buy masks to chase me with, which really just further traumatized me. I'd have full on panic attacks and they wouldn't stop. She's 6 years older than me, so for example when she was 14 she knew better than to do that to a 8 year old. Finally got over the fear at age 13 lmao.
She and my mom were so close, my mom knew about what she was doing and while she didn't endorse it my sister was never punished for it. My mom managed to fuck up though, she coerced my sister into having an affair (not surprising for either of them, my mom was dating a married man and my sister isn't known for being loyal) But, when my sisters husband decided to work it out instead of getting divorced my mom freaked out and now shed borderline banned from their house lol. She used to go and stay for weeks at a time, sometimes even a month or 2 but now its a week max every few months, if that. Funniest thing is, my sister was the last bridge she had to our family at all. Nobody else has contact. I hear things from my grandma who talks to my sister who talks to my mom.

Your mom sounds manipulative. I've heard women like this choose a daughter to live through vicariously, and so they get very close to this one child at the expense of the others.

What happened to your mom sounds nice if you have strong feelings towards her. People like this always dig their own graves.

PS my sister is also 6 years older than me. Neat