Venting staying alive has ruined me

[nanfranci]

i have been ruined from staying alive this whole time. all the suffering i've felt has changed me into something else completely and i have changed beyond recognition. i am a living ghost of my former self and nobody sees it because i look the unchanged on the outside. this all has ruined everything that i am. i am ruined. there's no going back and i will never be the same. i hate everyone in my life for what they did to me and i even resent the ones who were most supportive because they kept me alive only for me to end up like this. i'll never be who i was meant to be or at least who i was. when i die i'll be this instead of who i was. i'll always regret ending it earlier. before at least i had a little bit of myself left but now even that little bit is finally gone. everything that i am is gone now. it's gone now because i lived too long and had it all taken from me. all the abuse and neglect has morphed me into something unrecognizable to myself. i really have nothing left of myself now. the best thing i can do now is end it before i could get any worse. i am the only one who can give myself the mercy i have needed for too long from all this endless bullshit. i'll take care of it when i can and nobody will hold me back when it's finally really time. i'm so sick of everything i won't be begged to stay alive anymore it feels like i've lost everything that i was because of it.

 

[outrider567]

i have been ruined from staying alive this whole time. all the suffering i've felt has changed me into something else completely and i have changed beyond recognition. i am a living ghost of my former self and nobody sees it because i look the unchanged on the outside. this all has ruined everything that i am. i am ruined. there's no going back and i will never be the same. i hate everyone in my life for what they did to me and i even resent the ones who were most supportive because they kept me alive only for me to end up like this. i'll never be who i was meant to be or at least who i was. when i die i'll be this instead of who i was. i'll always regret ending it earlier. before at least i had a little bit of myself left but now even that little bit is finally gone. everything that i am is gone now. it's gone now because i lived too long and had it all taken from me. all the abuse and neglect has morphed me into something unrecognizable to myself. i really have nothing left of myself now. the best thing i can do now is end it before i could get any worse. i am the only one who can give myself the mercy i have needed for too long from all this endless bullshit. i'll take care of it when i can and nobody will hold me back when it's finally really time. i'm so sick of everything i won't be begged to stay alive anymore it feels like i've lost everything that i was because of it.

Good vent, sounds bad--I'm a 'ghost of my former self' as well

 

[Goodgirlryeo101]

I hope you heal and move on from this and I wish you all the best from the decision that you end up taking.

All the best

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry what you have to go through. I can feel with you, though my personal situation is much different than yours. But staying alive worsened (I could also say ruined) my life-situation and still ctb isn't a straightforward thing for me although I wish for CTB so much.

 

[Slasher]

I'm sorry for your situation. I can definetly relate a bit, being a shadow of my former succesfull self has def taken a toll on mr and staying alive only worsens it. I only wish you the best of luck.

 

[The anhedonic one]

So sorry you are going through this.
I can relate all too well to the feeling of your pain being invisible to others.
It's like you are alive on the outside, yet dead on the inside.
A dead person walking.

 

[clavicals]

damn this sounds like a lot of pain. I hope you can move through it, in what ever way is necessary to you. all the best friend

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry. Yes- this makes a lot of sense. I think the weird/ worst part of it is- when I imagine people that might grieve after me- it's the old me they are grieving for. If they realised who I was now- they would feel happy/relieved for me to go.

 

[The anhedonic one]

I'm so sorry. Yes- this makes a lot of sense. I think the weird/ worst part of it is- when I imagine people that might grieve after me- it's the old me they are grieving for. If they realised who I was now- they would feel happy/relieved for me to go.

Wow. This is so deep.
I love your way of thinking.

 

[Kasumi]

I still have the hope of finding myself again, but I can't say I'm not worried about if I'll actually be able to..
I hate this fucking live, the people around me and the place I live at for actively destroying who I am a little bit more every day.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really awful what you've been through, existing certainly is so hellish and it's horrible how humans create so much suffering, I hope that you eventually find the freedom that you search for.