.lvldown
Unreal
- Dec 9, 2019
- 35
A whole bunch of WHYs! (that dont necessarily need an answer.......)
No job, no interviews, no money left, don't leave my apartment, barely have money for food, no motivation to cook or clean, no friends, my baby (cat) is dead, emotions are numb or too sensitive, leeching off of my boyfriend like a fucking parasite. I wanted to go out peacefully but failed more than once.
Why keep trying? Why prioritize how the process feels when all I've ever wanted and desired is results? All I feel I deserve is violence and punishment for being such a useless piece of shit that can't maintain anything good. I sabotage myself at every turn because I hate myself so much.
My biggest regret in life was telling my boyfriend (before we started dating) that I was suicidal and that I had attempted before. I was alone and scared and struggling with thoughts of attempting for the second time with SN. He took it from me and flushed it and I for the life of me cannot find another source.
So why the fuck did he even decide to get with me? He knows I'm going to do it one day, he confessed to me it's his biggest fear. Coming home to me dead. It's so fucked up, I can't believe I did this to him and willingly got into a long term relationship. I definitely manipulated him in some way when I was younger and scared while on the brink of committing so maybe all my suffering in this relationship was morally earned. And I'm really not scared to die anymore. Those anxious feeling about what happens after you die have been stomped out of my head with desires for nothingness. a peaceful death sounds boring now.
And as fucked up as this is....and it's really fucked up.... I'm getting past the point of caring that he will be the one to find me. I'm honestly more concerned about leaving behind my surviving cat. I love her so much and will miss her so much, but I cant say that with the same weight for the rest of the people in my life. They don't care about me. And if they do, they don't show it. Every day, week, month, year, decade that goes by, I am always worse off than I was before. And to all of those people who "care" about me but haven't done or said a single thing except "it gets better", KINDLY GO FUCK YOURSELF. I can't stand listening to my boyfriend throw the EXACT same words at me every time , for years on repeat while I try to have a real conversation with him. I don't think he wants me to get better. Why is survival treated as a moral duty when no one seems willing to help make it livable? Why am I expected to keep believing in improving myself when the only thing that reliably repeats is disappointment and failure???? Why does everyone claim to care while doing nothing to change anything??? No, I would never post how or when I decide to go, and I don't even feel compelled to write a note because explanations have never changed how people treat me, I'm tired of narrating my pain, and because everything I've ever said about needing help has already been dismissed by my family, friends, doctors. I mean fuck, I went to a hospital after a suicide attempt at 18 years old and got turned away with a package of papers stating which nutrient deficiencies cause a low mood. I don't have a low mood, I never had a low mood, I've ALWAYS been in a violently suicidal mood and no one takes me seriously. Do I really need to verbally express the disgusting and vile things I want to do to myself or that I think should be done to me so that THEY can decide what counts????? People want me alive in theory, but not inconvenient, expensive, angry. So whats the correct sentence? "I want to die", "I tried to die", and "I need help" weren't enough. Do I need to sound more polite?? Afraid?? Grateful??? Or quieter so that they don't feel implicated???? I dont understand why Im expected to be grateful for a life that requires me to endure quietly. Reaching out is a fucking transaction with the terms and conditions being humiliation. At some point trying to continue isn't strength anymore, it turns into compliance and i dont know why everyone is so shocked that Im running out of reasons to comply. If surviving is a moral obligation then where is the moral obligation to make life at least tolerable???
No job, no interviews, no money left, don't leave my apartment, barely have money for food, no motivation to cook or clean, no friends, my baby (cat) is dead, emotions are numb or too sensitive, leeching off of my boyfriend like a fucking parasite. I wanted to go out peacefully but failed more than once.
Why keep trying? Why prioritize how the process feels when all I've ever wanted and desired is results? All I feel I deserve is violence and punishment for being such a useless piece of shit that can't maintain anything good. I sabotage myself at every turn because I hate myself so much.
My biggest regret in life was telling my boyfriend (before we started dating) that I was suicidal and that I had attempted before. I was alone and scared and struggling with thoughts of attempting for the second time with SN. He took it from me and flushed it and I for the life of me cannot find another source.
So why the fuck did he even decide to get with me? He knows I'm going to do it one day, he confessed to me it's his biggest fear. Coming home to me dead. It's so fucked up, I can't believe I did this to him and willingly got into a long term relationship. I definitely manipulated him in some way when I was younger and scared while on the brink of committing so maybe all my suffering in this relationship was morally earned. And I'm really not scared to die anymore. Those anxious feeling about what happens after you die have been stomped out of my head with desires for nothingness. a peaceful death sounds boring now.
And as fucked up as this is....and it's really fucked up.... I'm getting past the point of caring that he will be the one to find me. I'm honestly more concerned about leaving behind my surviving cat. I love her so much and will miss her so much, but I cant say that with the same weight for the rest of the people in my life. They don't care about me. And if they do, they don't show it. Every day, week, month, year, decade that goes by, I am always worse off than I was before. And to all of those people who "care" about me but haven't done or said a single thing except "it gets better", KINDLY GO FUCK YOURSELF. I can't stand listening to my boyfriend throw the EXACT same words at me every time , for years on repeat while I try to have a real conversation with him. I don't think he wants me to get better. Why is survival treated as a moral duty when no one seems willing to help make it livable? Why am I expected to keep believing in improving myself when the only thing that reliably repeats is disappointment and failure???? Why does everyone claim to care while doing nothing to change anything??? No, I would never post how or when I decide to go, and I don't even feel compelled to write a note because explanations have never changed how people treat me, I'm tired of narrating my pain, and because everything I've ever said about needing help has already been dismissed by my family, friends, doctors. I mean fuck, I went to a hospital after a suicide attempt at 18 years old and got turned away with a package of papers stating which nutrient deficiencies cause a low mood. I don't have a low mood, I never had a low mood, I've ALWAYS been in a violently suicidal mood and no one takes me seriously. Do I really need to verbally express the disgusting and vile things I want to do to myself or that I think should be done to me so that THEY can decide what counts????? People want me alive in theory, but not inconvenient, expensive, angry. So whats the correct sentence? "I want to die", "I tried to die", and "I need help" weren't enough. Do I need to sound more polite?? Afraid?? Grateful??? Or quieter so that they don't feel implicated???? I dont understand why Im expected to be grateful for a life that requires me to endure quietly. Reaching out is a fucking transaction with the terms and conditions being humiliation. At some point trying to continue isn't strength anymore, it turns into compliance and i dont know why everyone is so shocked that Im running out of reasons to comply. If surviving is a moral obligation then where is the moral obligation to make life at least tolerable???
