starvation log/vsed attempt

[citrusfruit]

I'm going to attempt to starve to death. It's October 11th, 2024 at 7:11 pm. I had my last meal a couple hours ago.
I've had an eating disorder since I was 13, my 21rst birthday is less than a month away now. I've been fully recovered since june of this year. After starting HRT testosterone in april, it became almost impossible to continue restricting. I don't remember when the last time I weighed myself was, but since doing recovery my body's kind of stabilized and I've been sitting at 91 lbs (41 kg) for more than a few months.

I'm not going to dry fast, I'll let myself drink water even though I know dry fasting would expedite the process.

I don't care about how painful or difficult this process will be. The end result will be worth it. I was caught in a partial hanging attempt by my boyfriend a few months ago, and I can't traumatize him like that again. I don't want him to find my body knowing that I intentionally ended my life, like i didnt care about how he would feel finding me. I don't have a vehicle and I'm not old enough to book a hotel room, not that I could afford it anyway, so there aren't any other methods that could work for me.

I have to die because I can no longer afford to live. I was just rejected from the only job that I think I could tolerate. And I feel genuinely disabled by my mental health. when I'm working shitty, bareley above minimum wage fast food/retail jobs the sole thing that i can think about on the clock is killing myself. I cant even enjoy my time outside of work because i know ill have to go back.

The only thing that worries me about this method, is Im afraid I'll have some sort of medical episode like a heart attack when I'm around my boyfriend and he will force me to get medical attention. So that'd be an ambulance ride + an er admission bill that would add to the already thousands of dollars of medical debt I'm in from getting stitches for self inflicted injuries.

I'll keep updating this thread day by day about how my attempt is going. my previous fasting record was only 100 hours/4 days. If i can't fast, I'll purge everything i eat and hopefully deplete my electrolytes

 

[vanillamilkshakes]

This is a hard attempt to complete, is there no other ways you think you can CTB?

 

[citrusfruit]

This is a hard attempt to complete, is there no other ways you think you can CTB?

my budget is $0, and i cant do it in a way that would clearly have been suicide. my boyfriend will be just as devastated that i died this way, but it wont be such a traumatizing shock like finding my hanging body would be

 

[willitpass]

I know you have an eating disorder and appear to already be malnourished based on your weight, but this is still very possibly going to take multiple weeks to months to kill you. By the time you near death, if electrolyte imbalance doesn't take you out suddenly, you will be too weak to even get out of bed. Your boyfriend will likely force you to get help at that point. You may also hallucinate or become delirious, again causing someone in your life to get you help. And I know you have an eating disorder, but I do too and I failed this method (though I did true VSED). Even with a restrictive ED it is still very possible you find yourself in an uncontrollable binge after you make it several days in and your body starts to go into survival mode. This really isn't an attainable method.

 

[ThisIsMe1357]

There is a stickied thread at the top of this forum called "Non-methods that should not be attempted. I am talking about this one:

Non-methods that should not be attempted

mod note: this has been added to the suicide resource compilation at the top. This has been made in response to the ever increasing amount of posts made about highly unlikely methods. Please read before posting about one of these methods or feel free to link if someone does post about them...

www.sanctioned-suicide.net

Not eating and drinking is mentioned as the last one of them. And for a good reason! Not only would it take weeks of incredible patience for you to starve to death, but it would likely be too unpleasant towards the end. Also, you will not just drop dead to the ground one second. You will probably become slowly weaker and weaker over time to the point of losing consciousness or fainting without anything else happening immediately. During that time of not being aware of anything, there will be a high chance of you being found. And all of this is probably going to happen after many weeks of suffering leading nowhere.

I just want to be realistic in my post here. I once did not eat and drink anything for a week and absolutely nothing happened to me whatsoever. I think just not eating anything is even less likely to kill you than not eating and not drinking.

 

[citrusfruit]

I know you have an eating disorder and appear to already be malnourished based on your weight, but this is still very possibly going to take multiple weeks to months to kill you. By the time you near death, if electrolyte imbalance doesn't take you out suddenly, you will be too weak to even get out of bed. Your boyfriend will likely force you to get .help at that point. You may also hallucinate or become delirious, again causing someone in your life to get you help. And I know you have an eating disorder, but I do too and I failed this method (though I did true VSED). Even with a restrictive ED it is still very possible you find yourself in an uncontrollable binge after you make it several days in and your body starts to go into survival mode. This really isn't an attainable method.

Yeah i know its unrealistic... I still want to try though, just to give me the comfort that my life could possibly end sooner rather than later. I don't think he'll force me to get help unless I'm having an actual heart attack. Ive passed out multiple times in one day in front of him and even then he didn't try to force food down my throat. He wouldn't force me to admit myself to the hospital as he knows I don't have insurance and neither of us could afford it out of pocket. If i binge, I'll just purge. I know some calories get absorbed even with purging, but I'm prepared to keep this up for as long as it takes

There is a stickied thread at the top of this forum called "Non-methods that should not be attempted. I am talking about this one:

Non-methods that should not be attempted

mod note: this has been added to the suicide resource compilation at the top. This has been made in response to the ever increasing amount of posts made about highly unlikely methods. Please read before posting about one of these methods or feel free to link if someone does post about them...

www.sanctioned-suicide.net

Not eating and drinking is mentioned as the last one of them. And for a good reason! Not only would it take weeks of incredible patience for you to starve to death, but it would likely be too unpleasant towards the end. Also, you will not just drop dead to the ground one second. You will probably become slowly weaker and weaker over time to the point of losing consciousness or fainting without anything else happening immediately. During that time of not being aware of anything, there will be a high chance of you being found. And all of this is probably going to happen after many weeks of suffering leading nowhere.

I just want to be realistic in my post here. I once did not eat and drink anything for a week and absolutely nothing happened to me whatsoever. I think just not eating anything is even less likely to kill you than not eating and not drinking.

I'm prepared to keep this up for as long as it takes. Ive heard stories from other anorexics about how they ended up in the hospital, and how they've seen people in hospital die from their eating disorders. I know it's extremely unpleasant. Your loved ones will beg and plead for you to eat anything. I've made my decision. I will keep going until it kills me.

Hospitalization is very unlikely since i simply cant afford it.

 

[willitpass]

Have you ever watched "Emma Wants to Live"? It's on YouTube with English subtitles.

 

[citrusfruit]

Have you ever watched "Emma Wants to Live"? It's on YouTube with English subtitles.

ill check it out rn!
I think the difference between me and her is that she wanted to live. and had people in her life who cared about her. and on top of that had people in her life who were able to fund her treatment