Starting today

[Efem]

I will be recording a video daily until my suicide in August/October. I'll be saving them to my Google Drive which will be fully accessible to my folks come the time of my death. I'm doing this for multiple reasons:

1) Selfishness. Doing this will help me solidify my upcoming death, and will give me a chance to share my personal thoughts out loud.

2) Comfort. Not only is it comforting and cathartic for me, I hope it will be for my folks. These aren't angry videos or anything, just calm vlogs intended to give my family an idea of why I went down the road I did.

3) Instructional. Especially in the final videos, I'll lay out how I would like my death to be handled.

That's it so far.

 

[Kikoo Loool]

You seem to be decided and have a precise plan. May you find peace.

 

[Funkbunny]

What a great idea. The only thing is would add is it is far from selfish. Solidifying all of it is important.

 

[Memento Mori]

These aren't angry videos or anything, just calm vlogs intended to give my family an idea of why I went down the road I did.

still be careful with what reasons you explain to them

what method do you have planned? to me, autumn seems the most beautiful time to ctb. somewhere in the deep woods. what do you want to do in the next 5-8months?

 

[freetoleave]

i was thinking about it at a moment (making videos) but i changed my mind, i don't want to say the truth to anyone and i don't want to lie neither so i'm stuck.

 

[Efem]

You seem to be decided and have a precise plan. May you find peace.

I appreciate your kind words. May you find peace as well.

still be careful with what reasons you explain to them

what method do you have planned? to me, autumn seems the most beautiful time to ctb. somewhere in the deep woods. what do you want to do in the next 5-8months?

I plan on using a 12 gauge shotgun. I'm out of a full time responsibility right now (dropped out of university due to mental health issues), so I'm going to spend the next 5 to 8 months at my parents house, visiting with family, working some odd jobs to get some money for a few responsibilities that I have, hanging out with friends, and video games. I may ctb in October on my birthday.

i was thinking about it at a moment (making videos) but i changed my mind, i don't want to say the truth to anyone and i don't want to lie neither so i'm stuck.

I hope you're able to become unstuck soon

 

[HappyEnding]

Hey I might do that but in the form of a Word Document, like a digital diary. What you came up with is a great idea and very inspiring. It's a great way to let your feelings out and vent :)

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Sound good I might make a few more videos to explain things to my parents.

What is your reason for wanting to kill yourself?

 

[Efem]

Sound good I might make a few more videos to explain things to my parents.

What is your reason for wanting to kill yourself?

Several reasons actually. Guilt is a big one. I carry a lot of guilt from the people I've hurt in my life, and it's become unbearable as bad as that might sound (because I deserve the pain from the guilt). Another reason is laziness. I feel too lazy to put the massive amount of effort needed to begin turning things around in my life. Another reason is I don't want to be any more of a financial burden on my family than I already have. The death will cost some money, but I have life insurance and all the loans my parents and I took out for school are federal, so they'll be discharged. They'll still have my sister, so I hope they will be able to carry on.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Several reasons actually. Guilt is a big one. I carry a lot of guilt from the people I've hurt in my life, and it's become unbearable as bad as that might sound (because I deserve the pain from the guilt). Another reason is laziness. I feel too lazy to put the massive amount of effort needed to begin turning things around in my life. Another reason is I don't want to be any more of a financial burden on my family than I already have. The death will cost some money, but I have life insurance and all the loans my parents and I took out for school are federal, so they'll be discharged. They'll still have my sister, so I hope they will be able to carry on.

What is your method?

 

[Efem]

What is your method?

Shotgun to the head.

 

[Kitsunefox]

Shotgun to the head.

What if it fails

 

[Efem]

What if it fails

We could go through a lot of 'what if's. If I fail, it'll mean I did something incorrect like pointing the shotgun under my chin. With a 12 gauge shotgun, I really only need to make contact with the brain for death, which really isn't that hard. I have plenty of time to practice so I don't fail.