shotgun
im alive but im dead, awake but asleep
- Sep 14, 2023
- 29
for a while, I've been talking about a guy I've found online. he's from the same country, just a different city. from that day i couldn't get him out of my head. it started off as something small but now it genuinely makes me feel even more disgusting than i already felt. First, I found his tiktok and instagram. nothing much. even sent him a message telling him about how i really liked his vibe, but then it got so much worse. as bad as finding his schedule and genuinely thinking about getting on a train to his city to follow him around, even find his house. i thought I'd finally get to have a trusting friendship/relationship with someone but instead I became a disgusting borderline stalker. I feel sick at the thought of him finding a partner that isn't me or him getting hurt. it feels euphoric whenever he updates anything on his socials or when he posts about what he's doing.
The problem is, I don't want to feel like this. It's fucking pathetic how I feel like I've known him for years when he doesn't even know what my face looks like. Shit like this just makes me think about how it must've been a better decision to plan my suicide for a sooner date, or how I should just do it. Tonight.
The problem is, I don't want to feel like this. It's fucking pathetic how I feel like I've known him for years when he doesn't even know what my face looks like. Shit like this just makes me think about how it must've been a better decision to plan my suicide for a sooner date, or how I should just do it. Tonight.
