drivingaround
Member
- Feb 27, 2020
- 41
Does anyone else get this? I'm not sure if this should go in the suicide forum or in recovery. I get episodes of intense depression every few months and in between usually feel quite apathetic towards life, rarely very happy. Right now I'm in a depression, struggling with sleep, tired as fuck, financially in a hole, lonely, suicidal, everything etc. I go to therapy, am on meds, and just saw my psychiatrist. Half of me really wants help, and the other half believes that there is no longer any help and it would be better, so much better, to end it.
I've only been honest on this forum, and in reality I'm so fucking lonely. When I talk to my therapist and dr I feel totally paralysed, like I can't physically say the words about how suicidal I am. It also feels a bit pointless, because I know that at some point I'll be back here, even if I have a couple of months of reprieve from depression. I also have this terrible logic in my mind that makes me stop asking for help. Like, if I was actually intending to kill myself, why would I tell anyone? But if I don't intend to do it, why would I need to tell anyone that - because then I am actually not a danger to myself? And as long as I am physically in one piece, I'm not a danger to myself.
Then I just can't talk. I know if I said what's going on I would land in hospital immediately, but I don't want that. At the same time, it feels like I just can't go on, I'm going to collapse in some way, so it'll either be a blackout or I'll need to decide whether to ctb at this point or wait for the next depression episode.
I've only been honest on this forum, and in reality I'm so fucking lonely. When I talk to my therapist and dr I feel totally paralysed, like I can't physically say the words about how suicidal I am. It also feels a bit pointless, because I know that at some point I'll be back here, even if I have a couple of months of reprieve from depression. I also have this terrible logic in my mind that makes me stop asking for help. Like, if I was actually intending to kill myself, why would I tell anyone? But if I don't intend to do it, why would I need to tell anyone that - because then I am actually not a danger to myself? And as long as I am physically in one piece, I'm not a danger to myself.
Then I just can't talk. I know if I said what's going on I would land in hospital immediately, but I don't want that. At the same time, it feels like I just can't go on, I'm going to collapse in some way, so it'll either be a blackout or I'll need to decide whether to ctb at this point or wait for the next depression episode.