Stale mate between different parts of myself

[drivingaround]

Does anyone else get this? I'm not sure if this should go in the suicide forum or in recovery. I get episodes of intense depression every few months and in between usually feel quite apathetic towards life, rarely very happy. Right now I'm in a depression, struggling with sleep, tired as fuck, financially in a hole, lonely, suicidal, everything etc. I go to therapy, am on meds, and just saw my psychiatrist. Half of me really wants help, and the other half believes that there is no longer any help and it would be better, so much better, to end it.

I've only been honest on this forum, and in reality I'm so fucking lonely. When I talk to my therapist and dr I feel totally paralysed, like I can't physically say the words about how suicidal I am. It also feels a bit pointless, because I know that at some point I'll be back here, even if I have a couple of months of reprieve from depression. I also have this terrible logic in my mind that makes me stop asking for help. Like, if I was actually intending to kill myself, why would I tell anyone? But if I don't intend to do it, why would I need to tell anyone that - because then I am actually not a danger to myself? And as long as I am physically in one piece, I'm not a danger to myself.

Then I just can't talk. I know if I said what's going on I would land in hospital immediately, but I don't want that. At the same time, it feels like I just can't go on, I'm going to collapse in some way, so it'll either be a blackout or I'll need to decide whether to ctb at this point or wait for the next depression episode.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

That's the two sides of you competing for dominance maybe? The realist/pessimist that takes from experience and the optimist that hopes for things to get better and still wants to try. I think lots of people have this conflict, reaching out with one hand and snatching back with the other. Have you actually had some sort of diagnosis for your moods? Sometimes they slap a label on you for convenience sake, but sometimes there is something specific going on.

 

[drivingaround]

That's the two sides of you competing for dominance maybe? The realist/pessimist that takes from experience and the optimist that hopes for things to get better and still wants to try. I think lots of people have this conflict, reaching out with one hand and snatching back with the other. Have you actually had some sort of diagnosis for your moods? Sometimes they slap a label on you for convenience sake, but sometimes there is something specific going on.

Yeah. My optimist side is not realistic at all. Like my idea of "good" is for Doctor Who to materialise in the Tardis and my life of time travelling and escapism beginning.

I think I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety (also in recovery for an eating disorder, addiction, self harm), but have had numerous other diagnoses at different points. I haven't asked my dr at the moment what he thinks I've got. At one point I was diagnosed with schizoid personality disorder and told that even when I wasn't actually depressed, I would still feel kind of unenthusiastic, not want to socialise, and have few/no interests. I don't know if that's true or if I'm just depressed most of the time.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Okay, that's a bundle of stuff. Some of it might be correct, but doctors do like to label you with stuff to make it easier to treat. The reality is often more complex. You are you. Sounds silly, but its true. And it sounds like they may be equally confused too with all those diagnoses. I once considered if I might be schizoid because I felt like I didn't need anybody and enjoyed being alone, But it was a self-defence mechanism - I was lying to myself so i didn't have to try and engage in relationships so i couldn't be hurt.
The reality of our psychology is usually somewhat more complex than a simple diagnosis. It's not always the case, certain things are nail on disorders with a specific treatment, but I think for many people it's not that simple. Depression and anxiety, eating disorder, addiction, self harm all sound like they could be manifestations of something specific, but again, might not be the case. Sorry to be so vague, but its the nature of these things i think.
Do you think the psych is correct with the schizoid diagnosis?

 

[CuddleHug]

I also have this terrible logic in my mind that makes me stop asking for help. Like, if I was actually intending to kill myself, why would I tell anyone? But if I don't intend to do it, why would I need to tell anyone that - because then I am actually not a danger to myself?

I can relate to this so much. Took me months to finally open up to my therapist about it. What I realised was that I was completely stuck with therapy, because I felt like nothing we did mattered if I wasn't planning on living anyway. Rather than talking about my suicidal ideation, I brought of the fact that I don't want to live.

It sounds like you could benefit from doing the same. Saying that you have no will to live doesn't equal wanting to kill yourself, so they should not be able to section you or anything. I think... Probably depends on your country etc. Anyway, I think it could really help you to open up about why you don't want to live to your therapist.

Hugs~

 

[a.n.kirillov]

Does anyone else get this? I'm not sure if this should go in the suicide forum or in recovery. I get episodes of intense depression every few months and in between usually feel quite apathetic towards life, rarely very happy. Right now I'm in a depression, struggling with sleep, tired as fuck, financially in a hole, lonely, suicidal, everything etc. I go to therapy, am on meds, and just saw my psychiatrist. Half of me really wants help, and the other half believes that there is no longer any help and it would be better, so much better, to end it.

I've only been honest on this forum, and in reality I'm so fucking lonely. When I talk to my therapist and dr I feel totally paralysed, like I can't physically say the words about how suicidal I am. It also feels a bit pointless, because I know that at some point I'll be back here, even if I have a couple of months of reprieve from depression. I also have this terrible logic in my mind that makes me stop asking for help. Like, if I was actually intending to kill myself, why would I tell anyone? But if I don't intend to do it, why would I need to tell anyone that - because then I am actually not a danger to myself? And as long as I am physically in one piece, I'm not a danger to myself.

Then I just can't talk. I know if I said what's going on I would land in hospital immediately, but I don't want that. At the same time, it feels like I just can't go on, I'm going to collapse in some way, so it'll either be a blackout or I'll need to decide whether to ctb at this point or wait for the next depression episode.

You are acting completely rational. Psychiatrists and Drs and even your relatives don't necessarily have your best interest in mind; their only purpose is to keep you from killing yourself. Just realize that. They have a lot of power and you don't and that's what you are intuiting and why you're stuck up when you talk to them.

I know it's a horrible situation to be in, the alienation and so on and I can give you no easy solution to it. Spending time here might feel good but realize that it will probably further alienate you from the rest of society; if you want to stay within the narrative you have lived in before and other people live in this site isn't very useful.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

if you want to stay within the narrative you have lived in before and other people live in this site isn't very useful

Potentially true. It's possible to languish here in self pity when you could be doing other things. That can become addictive and that's a new problem. It's different for different people and only the individual knows how they react with these things. Caution and awareness are never wrong.

 

[a.n.kirillov]

Potentially true. It's possible to languish here in self pity when you could be doing other things. That can become addictive and that's a new problem. It's different for different people and only the individual knows how they react with these things. Caution and awareness are never wrong.

I don't agree with your terminology. Self-pity is just a derogatory term to shame people for being the losers in the game of life; just as 'lazy' is used to shame depressed people.

What I meant was more the opposite: no one in society wants you to tell them that the game is flawed, that life is shit, that what they are doing is mostly meaningless, that it is a cruel system, that there are few winners and a lot of losers. It's like showing people at a barbeque grotesque pictures of animal farms; they want to enjoy their meal and not think about the price others have to pay for it. we are holding up the mirror to their face just by becoming dysfunctional.

Why do you think it is socially unacceptable to swear for example? Why is it unacceptable to run around naked? Why is it unacceptable to answer anything other than "fine" when someone asks you how you are doing? People need their illusions that life is great, that it has a purpose, that it is fair, beautiful, that we are special, that we are unlikely to get sick or die or become victims of crimes or catastrophes (only happens to others), that there is justice in society, etc etc... and we are opposing them in that view because on this forum most people at least aknowledge that life doesnt have unconditional value and that not all lives are worth living or sustaining, i.e. that suicide can be a perfectly rational choice. And in society you will be vehemently opposed on that point.

Just my two cents.

Edit: so leaving aside which narrative is closer to reality on any of these points engaging in this community will alienate you from the people you meet when you walk out your front door. That's the danger and where we agree. But I argue that it is closer to reality and that disillusionment is a good thing.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I don't agree with your terminology. Self-pity is just a derogatory term to shame people for being the losers in the game of life; just as 'lazy' is used to shame depressed people.

What I meant was more the opposite: no one in society wants you to tell them that the game is flawed, that life is shit, that what they are doing is mostly meaningless, that it is a cruel system, that there are few winners and a lot of losers. It's like showing people at a barbeque grotesque pictures of animal farms; they want to enjoy their meal and not think about the price others have to pay for it. we are holding up the mirror to their face just by becoming dysfunctional.

Why do you think it is socially unacceptable to swear for example? Why is it unacceptable to run around naked? Why is it unacceptable to answer anything other than "fine" when someone asks you how you are doing? People need their illusions that life is great, that it has a purpose, that it is fair, beautiful, that we are special, that we are unlikely to get sick or die or become victims of crimes or catastrophes (only happens to others), that there is justice in society, etc etc... and we are opposing them in that view because on this forum most people at least aknowledge that life doesnt have unconditional value and that not all lives are worth living or sustaining, i.e. that suicide can be a perfectly rational choice. And in society you will be vehemently opposed on that point.

Just my two cents.

Edit: so leaving aside which narrative is closer to reality on any of these points engaging in this community will alienate you from the people you meet when you walk out your front door. That's the danger and where we agree. But I argue that it is closer to reality and that disillusionment is a good thing.

I see what you mean. Maybe self pity is the wrong term, but I do know it's been something I've been prone to on here.
And I think the place can be addicting like any social media.
The truth is reality is pretty bleak if you try and look behind the curtain.
To live and function many people have to maintain a delusion that 'it will all work out okay in the end.' I think even if that is less realistic it can be healthier.
On here you can see so many instances of the oposite of that where the delusion has been shattered. Maybe it's more disingenuous but I'm not sure it leads to a positive place.
So I think disillusionment may be a more realistic attitude but not necessarily a more beneficial one, unless you can somehow use it to make changes to the way things are.
What's the saying? I'd rather be happy than right any day of the week.

 

[drivingaround]

Okay, that's a bundle of stuff. Some of it might be correct, but doctors do like to label you with stuff to make it easier to treat. The reality is often more complex. You are you. Sounds silly, but its true. And it sounds like they may be equally confused too with all those diagnoses. I once considered if I might be schizoid because I felt like I didn't need anybody and enjoyed being alone, But it was a self-defence mechanism - I was lying to myself so i didn't have to try and engage in relationships so i couldn't be hurt.
The reality of our psychology is usually somewhat more complex than a simple diagnosis. It's not always the case, certain things are nail on disorders with a specific treatment, but I think for many people it's not that simple. Depression and anxiety, eating disorder, addiction, self harm all sound like they could be manifestations of something specific, but again, might not be the case. Sorry to be so vague, but its the nature of these things i think.
Do you think the psych is correct with the schizoid diagnosis?

Yeah, I would be interested to know if the psych I see now sees them all as separate issues or thinks they are all part of the same thing. The one I'm with now wasn't the one who diagnosed me with schizoid - in two different state hospitals I got diagnosed with that, and then borderline personality disorder. At some point before then I think it was social anxiety and/or a communication disorder. So I have no idea which of these has actually stuck. I have hoped that the schizoid diagnosis is not correct, because it's quite shitty to believe that I'm never actually going to feel again, in a way. Although since puberty, that has mostly been the case.

I can relate to this so much. Took me months to finally open up to my therapist about it. What I realised was that I was completely stuck with therapy, because I felt like nothing we did mattered if I wasn't planning on living anyway. Rather than talking about my suicidal ideation, I brought of the fact that I don't want to live.

It sounds like you could benefit from doing the same. Saying that you have no will to live doesn't equal wanting to kill yourself, so they should not be able to section you or anything. I think... Probably depends on your country etc. Anyway, I think it could really help you to open up about why you don't want to live to your therapist.

Hugs~

Thanks for the suggestion, I'll try saying something like that :)

You are acting completely rational. Psychiatrists and Drs and even your relatives don't necessarily have your best interest in mind; their only purpose is to keep you from killing yourself. Just realize that. They have a lot of power and you don't and that's what you are intuiting and why you're stuck up when you talk to them.

I know it's a horrible situation to be in, the alienation and so on and I can give you no easy solution to it. Spending time here might feel good but realize that it will probably further alienate you from the rest of society; if you want to stay within the narrative you have lived in before and other people live in this site isn't very useful.

Thanks. Yeah, although my therapist actually said something a while ago about how suicide is actually a viable option for people who are suffering too much in life (I was talking about a friend who was suicidal). I think her reaction would probably be based more in what she's obliged to do, because I guess she would get into big trouble if anyone else knew I directly said I had a plan and she just listened and left it there. So far this forum has been useful in being somewhere to talk openly about this stuff, feeling less alone, and reading up on different suicide methods.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

All I can suggest is to listen to their diagnosis with an open mind. Talk about the other diagnoses, make some notes when you talk to the psych, the go and research and see what makes sense to you. The psych can give you a useful insight into things which is worth listening to but only you really know yourself. You might agree or you might not. Be honest with yourself about what they suggest and decide what diagnosis you think is right.

 

[Luchs]

Does anyone else get this? I'm not sure if this should go in the suicide forum or in recovery. I get episodes of intense depression every few months and in between usually feel quite apathetic towards life, rarely very happy. Right now I'm in a depression, struggling with sleep, tired as fuck, financially in a hole, lonely, suicidal, everything etc. I go to therapy, am on meds, and just saw my psychiatrist. Half of me really wants help, and the other half believes that there is no longer any help and it would be better, so much better, to end it.

I've only been honest on this forum, and in reality I'm so fucking lonely. When I talk to my therapist and dr I feel totally paralysed, like I can't physically say the words about how suicidal I am. It also feels a bit pointless, because I know that at some point I'll be back here, even if I have a couple of months of reprieve from depression. I also have this terrible logic in my mind that makes me stop asking for help. Like, if I was actually intending to kill myself, why would I tell anyone? But if I don't intend to do it, why would I need to tell anyone that - because then I am actually not a danger to myself? And as long as I am physically in one piece, I'm not a danger to myself.

Then I just can't talk. I know if I said what's going on I would land in hospital immediately, but I don't want that. At the same time, it feels like I just can't go on, I'm going to collapse in some way, so it'll either be a blackout or I'll need to decide whether to ctb at this point or wait for the next depression episode.

I feel you. I also have month long phases alternating between suicidal depressian and almost manically being high on life. I can't bear it anymore.

 

[drivingaround]

I feel you. I also have month long phases alternating between suicidal depressian and almost manically being high on life. I can't bear it anymore.

Thanks. Sorry to hear you're also going through this. Right now, weekends are a little better but then I get progressively worse during the following week.