azucaramargo
Enlightened
- Sep 16, 2018
- 1,010
I was thinking - -and I'm sure I'm not the first person to have thought this--but, wouldn't it be cool if we could solve each other's real-life problems? I know the desire to ctb is not necessarily linked to problems. I wonder if it's even necessarily linked to depression. I am a melancholy person, and I guess I always have been, but I really think I'd be happier if I could sort out some of my problems.
Without trying to break anonymity, but (I'm just dreaming, here), but what if we could all kind of rescue each other from misery?
ABC needs a job and a place to live..XYZ has a full-time job, and overwhelming family responsibilities and a spare bedroom. A lot of us on here have limited financial resources (I wanted to post another thread...I wonder if any ss'ers are wealthy. It's interesting to hear about people who want to ctb even though they have a lot of money---like Anderson Cooper's brother, for example). Anyway, I digress. I imagine it would be hard for us to solve each other's problems, but when I read what people have to say on here I always wish, "Jeez. This is the kind of person I would hire if I had my own company." I think the people on here are so much cooler than the ones I meet in real life. I know we enjoy a kind of freedom here that isn't realistic in real life, but I'd love to be around people in real life who were as smart and as eloquent and reflective and compassionate as the ones on here.
I really wish I could not be at my parents' house for Christmas. I just want to be whisked away. I want a job and a husband and a cash injection. I want to get my winter clothes that are sitting in a storage unit in Shanghai. I am in arrears on the payments on said storage unit. I get bills sent to my parents' house all the time. I want a job and the chance to leave this place. I guess I will go back to China as a bullshit English teacher....just so I can get my clothes and get out of my parents' place before my two younger sisters come home for the holidays.
I used to think stuff worked that way, you know. People could just whisk us away from our circumstances. Sometimes they can -- in the moment, but then you're totally dependent on them, and with that comes a whole other host of problems. Learned that the hard way. Wish we could rescue each other on here, you know. Give each other jobs and hope and companionship and fix each other. I want to get revenge on a fellow who wronged me. WHo am I kidding I freaking wronged myself, but I would like to get revenge anyway. I want my China clothes and to get out of South Carolina, USA, before Xmas. Also a good job. And, eventually enough money to live independently, get plastic surgery, and feel worthwhile again.
Sorry to go on and on. I am someone without a lot of discipline or self control. I love momentary happiness, but I don't have the long-term-planning ability (Is that called pleasure delaying, or something?) to make it happen. I am always thinking about all the things I want, but, I would never have the patience for, say, more effing graduate school, or years of poverty and saving money for some future pay-off. I don't have the strength to suffer in the here-and-now for the things I want in the future. And, I fear that that inability has landed me where I am now: 40, overweight, jobless, single, insolvent, mentally ill, and living with my disappointed parents.
When I was little, my mom brought my sister to the orthodontist, and even though I wasn't there, my mom expressed concern to the orthodontist about my overly strong jaw. And, my young sister didn't know what the eff was going on, but my mom said to her -- as if sis was even paying attention to the convo Mom was having with the orthodontist) -- "Now, don't tell [my name] what I said. I don't want you calling her, 'Jaws,' or something." And, that's the whole reason I know about this story, and Mom was effing right. I look like a god-damned man. And, if you look like me, looking good costs a lot of damned money -- just as if I were an effing drag queen. No offense to transgendered people, but i do feel for them on how much MONEY is required to make the switch and look half-way decent.
Even if I could get it together enough to be thin, without my nails and eyelashes and facial treatments and waxing, etc., etc., etc. I just still look like a big man. God dammit. I run after people who want nothing to do with me. I fear that the older (and less attractive) I become , fewer and fewer people will give a damn about me. Maybe someone from SS could just kill me? That would be a way to help me. I don't think I'd ever have the guts to CTB. Maybe one of you all could do it for me?!!
Sorry for the mania. I'm not even disciplined enough to vent in a journal. Gotta bring everyone else into it, too.
Does anyone have a job that needs doing? Or, need someone to come live with/near you? Or, want a wife? Sorry again for the desperation and letting-it-all-hang-out-ness of this post. I love everyone on this site. And, I hate the supposed "friend" with benefits who hit it and quit it and is not even my friend anymore, and is mean to me every time I text him. And, I hate myself for running back for more rejection. And, I hate the state of my finances and my physique...and that I drive everyone away. And, that I'm too fucking lazy to do a damned thing about it. Please rescue me from this shit town in South Carolina, and my parents' home, and my sisters, and the restaurant where I used to work and got jilted by the kitchen worker and then quit. Please get me out of here, and I will try to help you in return. I hate to be one of those losers who thinks that a romantic relationship would make everything better. "Who's going to love you if you don't love YOURSELF?"
You know that Spanish filmmaker Pedro Almodóvar? In one of his movies, one of the characters says something so true: "I've seen women do the stupidest things [or, go to the furthest lengths] to avoid being alone." And, I can so relate to that.
I'm worried now that as I get older and less attractive fewer people will want to be with me/take care of me. I don't mean support me so much as provide emotional support. I know, I know every guy's effing nightmare: an un-confident woman.
I know someone who has a sister who had a brain tumor, and it was benign, and surgically removed, but ever since it was removed she doesn't give a FUCK about dudes. She just has her own cats and hobbies and works out all the time, and wants nothing to do with dudes. (Every dude's dream, right?). I wish I had that issue. I would be ok if I didn't give a good God damn about dudes. Romantically, I mean. 'Cuz that's when everything gets EFFED up.
I have a Skype interview in a few hours with this bullshit teaching outfit in China--I'm just trying to leave the U.S. as quickly as possible, and this is the only way I know how. Wish I'd done things differently...not been a clingy, needy spaz with ex boyfriends...been able to play the game a bit better...maybe I wouldn't be alone right now. Thank you for being here for me tonight. Bless you all. And, love to you all, too.
Without trying to break anonymity, but (I'm just dreaming, here), but what if we could all kind of rescue each other from misery?
ABC needs a job and a place to live..XYZ has a full-time job, and overwhelming family responsibilities and a spare bedroom. A lot of us on here have limited financial resources (I wanted to post another thread...I wonder if any ss'ers are wealthy. It's interesting to hear about people who want to ctb even though they have a lot of money---like Anderson Cooper's brother, for example). Anyway, I digress. I imagine it would be hard for us to solve each other's problems, but when I read what people have to say on here I always wish, "Jeez. This is the kind of person I would hire if I had my own company." I think the people on here are so much cooler than the ones I meet in real life. I know we enjoy a kind of freedom here that isn't realistic in real life, but I'd love to be around people in real life who were as smart and as eloquent and reflective and compassionate as the ones on here.
I really wish I could not be at my parents' house for Christmas. I just want to be whisked away. I want a job and a husband and a cash injection. I want to get my winter clothes that are sitting in a storage unit in Shanghai. I am in arrears on the payments on said storage unit. I get bills sent to my parents' house all the time. I want a job and the chance to leave this place. I guess I will go back to China as a bullshit English teacher....just so I can get my clothes and get out of my parents' place before my two younger sisters come home for the holidays.
I used to think stuff worked that way, you know. People could just whisk us away from our circumstances. Sometimes they can -- in the moment, but then you're totally dependent on them, and with that comes a whole other host of problems. Learned that the hard way. Wish we could rescue each other on here, you know. Give each other jobs and hope and companionship and fix each other. I want to get revenge on a fellow who wronged me. WHo am I kidding I freaking wronged myself, but I would like to get revenge anyway. I want my China clothes and to get out of South Carolina, USA, before Xmas. Also a good job. And, eventually enough money to live independently, get plastic surgery, and feel worthwhile again.
Sorry to go on and on. I am someone without a lot of discipline or self control. I love momentary happiness, but I don't have the long-term-planning ability (Is that called pleasure delaying, or something?) to make it happen. I am always thinking about all the things I want, but, I would never have the patience for, say, more effing graduate school, or years of poverty and saving money for some future pay-off. I don't have the strength to suffer in the here-and-now for the things I want in the future. And, I fear that that inability has landed me where I am now: 40, overweight, jobless, single, insolvent, mentally ill, and living with my disappointed parents.
When I was little, my mom brought my sister to the orthodontist, and even though I wasn't there, my mom expressed concern to the orthodontist about my overly strong jaw. And, my young sister didn't know what the eff was going on, but my mom said to her -- as if sis was even paying attention to the convo Mom was having with the orthodontist) -- "Now, don't tell [my name] what I said. I don't want you calling her, 'Jaws,' or something." And, that's the whole reason I know about this story, and Mom was effing right. I look like a god-damned man. And, if you look like me, looking good costs a lot of damned money -- just as if I were an effing drag queen. No offense to transgendered people, but i do feel for them on how much MONEY is required to make the switch and look half-way decent.
Even if I could get it together enough to be thin, without my nails and eyelashes and facial treatments and waxing, etc., etc., etc. I just still look like a big man. God dammit. I run after people who want nothing to do with me. I fear that the older (and less attractive) I become , fewer and fewer people will give a damn about me. Maybe someone from SS could just kill me? That would be a way to help me. I don't think I'd ever have the guts to CTB. Maybe one of you all could do it for me?!!
Sorry for the mania. I'm not even disciplined enough to vent in a journal. Gotta bring everyone else into it, too.
Does anyone have a job that needs doing? Or, need someone to come live with/near you? Or, want a wife? Sorry again for the desperation and letting-it-all-hang-out-ness of this post. I love everyone on this site. And, I hate the supposed "friend" with benefits who hit it and quit it and is not even my friend anymore, and is mean to me every time I text him. And, I hate myself for running back for more rejection. And, I hate the state of my finances and my physique...and that I drive everyone away. And, that I'm too fucking lazy to do a damned thing about it. Please rescue me from this shit town in South Carolina, and my parents' home, and my sisters, and the restaurant where I used to work and got jilted by the kitchen worker and then quit. Please get me out of here, and I will try to help you in return. I hate to be one of those losers who thinks that a romantic relationship would make everything better. "Who's going to love you if you don't love YOURSELF?"
You know that Spanish filmmaker Pedro Almodóvar? In one of his movies, one of the characters says something so true: "I've seen women do the stupidest things [or, go to the furthest lengths] to avoid being alone." And, I can so relate to that.
I'm worried now that as I get older and less attractive fewer people will want to be with me/take care of me. I don't mean support me so much as provide emotional support. I know, I know every guy's effing nightmare: an un-confident woman.
I know someone who has a sister who had a brain tumor, and it was benign, and surgically removed, but ever since it was removed she doesn't give a FUCK about dudes. She just has her own cats and hobbies and works out all the time, and wants nothing to do with dudes. (Every dude's dream, right?). I wish I had that issue. I would be ok if I didn't give a good God damn about dudes. Romantically, I mean. 'Cuz that's when everything gets EFFED up.
I have a Skype interview in a few hours with this bullshit teaching outfit in China--I'm just trying to leave the U.S. as quickly as possible, and this is the only way I know how. Wish I'd done things differently...not been a clingy, needy spaz with ex boyfriends...been able to play the game a bit better...maybe I wouldn't be alone right now. Thank you for being here for me tonight. Bless you all. And, love to you all, too.
