Venting Spring CTB looking like a good idea , depression, lack of work/purpose, COVID isolation

[brainpain2]

Hey all. I've had the best method available to me for almost 4 years now. I've been pussyfooting due to life circumstances ever changing and having an SO I need to distance from. I have Chronic pain and my workplace said they no longer wanted to accommodate and that they would put me out to pasture in a loser lower paying spot instead (I'm educated and earned my position on merit). Instead I went on LTgetting my very reasonable disability insurance has meant i don't have to worry about money nor spend life in the excruciating pain I was trying to work full-time through.

But here's the problem. I'm still depressed because I still hurt. I am still depressed because I feel like the worlds bigger loser every time someone else finds out I'm not working (I look fine and feel I'm being judged and let's fact it, everyone judges everyone).

Now we have this COVID shit. I feel like a sack of garbage when people are sick and facing financial ruin everywhere yet I complaining about my situation.

My job was an essential service which meant I could have been working if I were still accommodated I wouldn't be at home by myself wanting to die all day long. There's nothing to do but eat and drink and I'll gain weight when my weight is extremely important to me.This has ruined everything I look forward to including summer which only lasts 3 months here and an upcoming little trip I had planned.

it's still sub zero temperatures where I live. Laying around makes my pain worse and I can't go to the gym or walk long without freezing. Because I'm "young and healthy" I don't stand a chance of dying from this virus and I couldn't give to shits about it except for the people who will never recover financially from this. This is going to cause a wave of suicides that I wonder might be worse than the virus itself.

my method is burning a hole in the place it is being stored (safely, not in the home).
All the hotels are shutting down and I fear I won't have a place to go (seeing my address on my ID may have me questioned for using one of the last rooms around when I live here). I won't CTB at home and have my SO find me.

Thanks for hearing me rant. Feel free to offer, advice or support or tell me what I piece of shit I am for focusing on my situation rather than real problems this virus is causing other people

 

[randomz]

I am sorry for the situation you are in. Have you tried picking up any hobbies or even charity/volunteer work? That could give you a sense of purpose to your life, that maybe you lack.

 

[brainpain2]

I am sorry for the situation you are in. Have you tried picking up any hobbies or even charity/volunteer work? That could give you a sense of purpose to your life, that maybe you lack.

Thank you for reading my rant. Unfortunately due to the COVID restrictions most of my hobbies are prohibited (the gym, swimming, socializing, going out for food/drinks, playing music with others in my "beer league" symphony, taking small trips ). Also being on LTD forbids me to legally volunteer because if I can volunteer even a couple hours a week they will consider me able to go back to FULL TIME WORK (not to mention it must be ANY work which will likely pay less than my insurance) It's ridiculous. All I can do is be inside my head and I don't see this virus social isolation ending for months, at BEST

 

[Ἡγησίας]

 

[brainpain2]

It's good that Trump is a acknowledging this and really driving it home. I haven't heard our PM acknowledge this to that degree and he talks a lot more gloom and doom even though we aren't seeing anywhere close to the numbers the US is.

 

[randomz]

Thank you for reading my rant. Unfortunately due to the COVID restrictions most of my hobbies are prohibited (the gym, swimming, socializing, going out for food/drinks, playing music with others in my "beer league" symphony, taking small trips ). Also being on LTD forbids me to legally volunteer because if I can volunteer even a couple hours a week they will consider me able to go back to FULL TIME WORK (not to mention it must be ANY work which will likely pay less than my insurance) It's ridiculous. All I can do is be inside my head and I don't see this virus social isolation ending for months, at BEST

My personal opinion is that the social isoliting will be over sooner. At least I hope so. Maybe now is the time to take on some more "solo"hobbies like playing video games and binge watching TV shows.