Venting Spoons is struggling.

[spoons]

I knew that I would finally post something soon! I don't want to cbt, but I am feeling goopy and need to share, lol.

Right now I hate everything. Normally I'm able to find some sort of silver lining or light at the end of the tunnel, and I know that icky feeling is going to pass once I get to college but it's just so difficult to make it there, ya know? I'm less than a month out from then and I know I'll make more friends, but everything feels so incredibly lonely right now. My school friends promised to stay in touch but haven't texted me back since the last day of school. And even then, I always have to text first. No one calls me, no one texts me. It's extremely isolating, especially since I LOVE summer and hanging out with people. I thrive on human interaction and I don't have any way all. Other than my mom and her boyfriend. They aren't bad, but they don't necessarily scratch the "I want to have fun and be with friends" itch. My boyfriend is in the military so he is far away from me, I haven't ever missed anyone as much as I miss him right now. He saved me from my darkest moments and life would be a lot easier if he was here now. I don't want to put pressure on him to talk to me all the time since he's his own person and has his own hobbies but it's hard. It's hard not having anyone to talk to about things that happen, especially when there is only one person who truly cares about you, and he's that person for me.
I have a long list of problems so hold on, haha. I have no money, (I did apply for campus jobs but I can't start until move-in) which means I can't buy my zaza. As stupid as it seems to some people, smoking is the only thing that helps the pain I feel. Some mental pain, mostly physical. I'm was in a car accident when I was younger and ever since I have horrible joint pain. My family can't afford things like dentist visits and doctors visits, so I brush my teeth (one of my biggest insecurities and greatest pains from not caring for them when I was younger, but I guess we live with the cards we're dealt.) and smoke my weed. Because I can't afford any, I've been sitting in near constant pain for the past couple days. The pain probably isn't helped by my weight. I'm 5'9ish and 215lbs, which is obese, even if I don't necessarily look it. I'm not saying that big isn't beautiful, just that I don't feel beautiful. My body feels like some sort of ugly jail. I lay in bed and feel like a beached whale. I am repulsed by what I see in the mirror some days. And I talked to my boyfriend about it. He was kind, said very sweet things once I explained it in a coherent way. But I can't help but feel like I am undesirable. Undeserving of his kind words. I don't understand how he can see me and associate me with beauty. I would show you what I look like but that's not the best idea. I just, don't feel good about my body and it sucks. There is nothing I can really do to change it, between the joint pain and lack of money/inability to buy healthy food because of how expensive it is, I'll probably always just be this size. I feel unimportant right now as I wait for college. That's really the only purpose I have now, is waiting. I feel alone, I feel icky, I feel bad, man. I know life has great things to offer, there has to be something that makes it so beautiful. I want to find it, hold on to it, be happy. It just feels impossible right now, and I'm letting myself feel down.
I'll probably go in a take a bath or something and completely forget why I was upset, but it feels nice to put it into words - cathartic if you will.

I don't know if any of that made any sense to anyone, but my shoulders feel a little lighter now. So thanks for reading if you did. Much love, xx
Side note: I apologize if something is misspelled or for any grammatical errors, I have the distinct pleasure of being a fast typer and dyslexic, haha.

 

[Unattainable666]

I knew that I would finally post something soon! I don't want to cbt, but I am feeling goopy and need to share, lol.

Right now I hate everything. Normally I'm able to find some sort of silver lining or light at the end of the tunnel, and I know that icky feeling is going to pass once I get to college but it's just so difficult to make it there, ya know? I'm less than a month out from then and I know I'll make more friends, but everything feels so incredibly lonely right now. My school friends promised to stay in touch but haven't texted me back since the last day of school. And even then, I always have to text first. No one calls me, no one texts me. It's extremely isolating, especially since I LOVE summer and hanging out with people. I thrive on human interaction and I don't have any way all. Other than my mom and her boyfriend. They aren't bad, but they don't necessarily scratch the "I want to have fun and be with friends" itch. My boyfriend is in the military so he is far away from me, I haven't ever missed anyone as much as I miss him right now. He saved me from my darkest moments and life would be a lot easier if he was here now. I don't want to put pressure on him to talk to me all the time since he's his own person and has his own hobbies but it's hard. It's hard not having anyone to talk to about things that happen, especially when there is only one person who truly cares about you, and he's that person for me.
I have a long list of problems so hold on, haha. I have no money, (I did apply for campus jobs but I can't start until move-in) which means I can't buy my zaza. As stupid as it seems to some people, smoking is the only thing that helps the pain I feel. Some mental pain, mostly physical. I'm was in a car accident when I was younger and ever since I have horrible joint pain. My family can't afford things like dentist visits and doctors visits, so I brush my teeth (one of my biggest insecurities and greatest pains from not caring for them when I was younger, but I guess we live with the cards we're dealt.) and smoke my weed. Because I can't afford any, I've been sitting in near constant pain for the past couple days. The pain probably isn't helped by my weight. I'm 5'9ish and 215lbs, which is obese, even if I don't necessarily look it. I'm not saying that big isn't beautiful, just that I don't feel beautiful. My body feels like some sort of ugly jail. I lay in bed and feel like a beached whale. I am repulsed by what I see in the mirror some days. And I talked to my boyfriend about it. He was kind, said very sweet things once I explained it in a coherent way. But I can't help but feel like I am undesirable. Undeserving of his kind words. I don't understand how he can see me and associate me with beauty. I would show you what I look like but that's not the best idea. I just, don't feel good about my body and it sucks. There is nothing I can really do to change it, between the joint pain and lack of money/inability to buy healthy food because of how expensive it is, I'll probably always just be this size. I feel unimportant right now as I wait for college. That's really the only purpose I have now, is waiting. I feel alone, I feel icky, I feel bad, man. I know life has great things to offer, there has to be something that makes it so beautiful. I want to find it, hold on to it, be happy. It just feels impossible right now, and I'm letting myself feel down.
I'll probably go in a take a bath or something and completely forget why I was upset, but it feels nice to put it into words - cathartic if you will.

I don't know if any of that made any sense to anyone, but my shoulders feel a little lighter now. So thanks for reading if you did. Much love, xx
Side note: I apologize if something is misspelled or for any grammatical errors, I have the distinct pleasure of being a fast typer and dyslexic, haha.

Spoons (love the name!) - let me tell you that you may have a couple extra pounds on you but I think you're being a bit hard on yourself. You have someone in your life you obviously cares a great deal for you. There are so many people in the world who are good looking physically but are so ugly on the inside that the beauty on the outside is overtaken. Honest to god you sound as if you have a really good heart - you can lose a few pounds but people who are ugly on the inside can't change - they will remain ugly. Be the beautiful person that you are - live the life you deserve - if people don't want to be your friend screw them. You deserve the best honey!!!! Come here any time and talk to us!!

 

[spoons]

Spoons (love the name!) - let me tell you that you may have a couple extra pounds on you but I think you're being a bit hard on yourself. You have someone in your life you obviously cares a great deal for you. There are so many people in the world who are good looking physically but are so ugly on the inside that the beauty on the outside is overtaken. Honest to god you sound as if you have a really good heart - you can lose a few pounds but people who are ugly on the inside can't change - they will remain ugly. Be the beautiful person that you are - live the life you deserve - if people don't want to be your friend screw them. You deserve the best honey!!!! Come here any time and talk to us!!

Thank you. I'm like genuinely sobbing that was so sweet

 

[Unattainable666]

Thank you. I'm like genuinely sobbing that was so sweet

Thank you. I'm like genuinely sobbing that was so sweet

Just honest you are the one who is sweet Spoons You pm me any time you want

 

[ApparentlyNot]

well first off, if thats you in your pfp, you sexy as hell and I wouldn't lose a pound (now that I looked closer, they seem to just be spoons...)

But in all seriousness, I am sorry you're feeling less than just because you're body is carrying around a few extra pounds, but you are not any less beautiful. If it is bothering you and making you uncomfortable, know that you can change your body gradually, in a healthy way, and in the mean time, know that you are not any less beautiful inherently. You have genuinely been a warm ray of positivity every time I have seen you post, and it has absolutely helped me personally. Just seeing a genuine, kind person here makes such a difference. Don't worry so much about being a burden, it sounds like your boyfriend really loves you and hears you and that he would never view you that way. You really seem like the type of person that makes this place bearable for people like me, just by existing. I am very excited for you to start college and have some new experiences.

Also, side note, I am sorry you're experiencing physical discomfort and pain right now, because you can't get your zaza (is that weed btw? I've never heard that but I guess I'm getting old lol). It is rough, and people tend to dismiss people like you because they just don't take weed seriously as a legitimate medication. But you'll get through it!

 

[spoons]

well first off, if thats you in your pfp, you sexy as hell and I wouldn't lose a pound (now that I looked closer, they seem to just be spoons...)

But in all seriousness, I am sorry you're feeling less than just because you're body is carrying around a few extra pounds, but you are not any less beautiful. If it is bothering you and making you uncomfortable, know that you can change your body gradually, in a healthy way, and in the mean time, know that you are not any less beautiful inherently. You have genuinely been a warm ray of positivity every time I have seen you post, and it has absolutely helped me personally. Just seeing a genuine, kind person here makes such a difference. Don't worry so much about being a burden, it sounds like your boyfriend really loves you and hears you and that he would never view you that way. You really seem like the type of person that makes this place bearable for people like me, just by existing. I am very excited for you to start college and have some new experiences.

Also, side note, I am sorry you're experiencing physical discomfort and pain right now, because you can't get your zaza (is that weed btw? I've never heard that but I guess I'm getting old lol). It is rough, and people tend to dismiss people like you because they just don't take weed seriously as a legitimate medication. But you'll get through it!

Thank you so so much. Between the replies I've gotten and my boyfriend my rain cloud has finally lightened up a little bit. I really really appreciate you :)

 

[sayire]

first:

extra pounds = bad!, it will not hurt for you to keep taking small measures to get rid of few extra pounds at a time over a long period. slow and steady will win the race. It will go a long way to reduce your joint pains. yeah health food is expensive but maybe you just need to take more showers and draw a bath etc and relax that way and not depend on food for comfort - if that happens to you. I am foodie and good food is a thing for me to go to.

ok now the rest :

your greatest gift is having a sense of humor and having the ability to make light of yourself. do not ever loose that. I am sure life ahead will throw a lot of punches and pull the hell down of you. just try extra hard to keep this core of you.

you surely come across as a caring person with an ability to have lots of empathy. I would say you are already very beautiful where it matters the most. i.e others things also matter and you need to work on them, but you already have the that thing that matters the most, attitude wise.

you have no money. well that part makes life really suck. to the point that you are not able to take care of your health. that is true. but I feel there are enough things that do not take money to take care of yourself. yeah you have joint pains, but maybe you can make it a habit to walk for an hour or two every day. maybe that will build a bit of energy every day for you to keep building on.

happy smoke, I have never done it. so I can't say anything about it.

you are a social person and just going through a low right now. college is not far and I feel reasonably sure once you are there you will start figuring things out. it is clear from your writings you have a sense of creativity and witt. it is a long journey sweetie, just strap on the seat belt and keep driving your car and enjoy the scenery. I hope your car never breaks down beyond repair, and if it does, well you know you are ahead in the search for how to find the bus.

you seem to have a good guy in your life. hold on and keep building good things. it will turn out ok.

my best wishes...

PS: I think this thread should be in recovery section.