"sorry"

[cath55555]

I cried in front of 3 of my friends on Friday... things aren't the best right now and one of them asked how I am and I just broke down. I couldn't stop apologising- I just kept going "I'm sorry" over and over. I feel so fucked. I'm waiting for a call back from the mental health team rn, it's nearly 1am, I'm in the UK and our mh services are shit. I'm not even really sure why I bothered reaching out to them. I just feel guilty and sad and disgusted all at once about myself.

I purged earlier (I'm bulimic, and in my case purging refers to vomiting) and my legs feel really weak too. I wish my ED would kill me so I don't keep having to attempt and do the dirty work without either SI kicking in or someone finding out... idk. this whole thing is a stupid ramble.

I want to CTB. I sometimes sit and wonder what my friends will do/say/think when I do. I really want to go.

I know my friends aren't on here, but if you are one and somehow you see this either before or after I'm gone:
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

 

[oneofakind]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm in the U.K. too, and can't sleep evidently. The mental health system here is shit, it's like a lottery depending on where you live. Anyway, hope you get whatever you need & I'm sending hugs

 

[avaruus]

I'm sorry for your pain. I hope you can find relief soon.

Addict with a pen... is that twenty one pilots reference btw?

 

[lita-lassi]

friends love and care about you and you dont have to apologize to friends for feeling fucked up im sorry your ed is so hard on you and that you feel the need to hurt yourself with it. what else in your life could you shift that feeling of control over to?

 

[jussrav]

I cried in front of 3 of my friends on Friday... things aren't the best right now and one of them asked how I am and I just broke down. I couldn't stop apologising- I just kept going "I'm sorry" over and over. I feel so fucked. I'm waiting for a call back from the mental health team rn, it's nearly 1am, I'm in the UK and our mh services are shit. I'm not even really sure why I bothered reaching out to them. I just feel guilty and sad and disgusted all at once about myself.

I purged earlier (I'm bulimic, and in my case purging refers to vomiting) and my legs feel really weak too. I wish my ED would kill me so I don't keep having to attempt and do the dirty work without either SI kicking in or someone finding out... idk. this whole thing is a stupid ramble.

I want to CTB. I sometimes sit and wonder what my friends will do/say/think when I do. I really want to go.

I know my friends aren't on here, but if you are one and somehow you see this either before or after I'm gone:
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

I feel the same my psych team are so rubbish they stopped all my antidepressants firc6 weeks and sleeping pills I went crazy and atleast my doctor is trying to help me with some sleeping pills. Its rubbish please hold on I really want to go aswell I've suffered enough all the best xxx

 

[cath55555]

I'm sorry for your pain. I hope you can find relief soon.

Addict with a pen... is that twenty one pilots reference btw?

thank you.

yes, it is- they're my favourite band :)

friends love and care about you and you dont have to apologize to friends for feeling fucked up im sorry your ed is so hard on you and that you feel the need to hurt yourself with it. what else in your life could you shift that feeling of control over to?

thank you I'm not really sure tbh, it feels like so much is spiralling atm, I'm almost clinging to my ED just because it's the one thing I feel I'm "good at"

I feel the same my psych team are so rubbish they stopped all my antidepressants firc6 weeks and sleeping pills I went crazy and atleast my doctor is trying to help me with some sleeping pills. Its rubbish please hold on I really want to go aswell I've suffered enough all the best xxx

it's awful isn't it? honestly after I made this post they called me back at 5.30am, just over 6 hours after I called them, like jfc making someone in crisis wait 6 hours is terrible :/ I hope that you're managing to stay as well as you can, best wishes to you as well

 

[rustynon]

I purged earlier (I'm bulimic, and in my case purging refers to vomiting) and my legs feel really weak too. I wish my ED would kill me so I don't keep having to attempt and do the dirty work without either SI kicking in or someone finding out... idk. this whole thing is a stupid ramble.

Yes. I'm just the same. With my karma it'll be a stomach rupture that finishes me off.
I know whether I kill me or the bulimia kills me it will hurt. So I'm letting my ED choose when.

 

[jussrav]

thank you.

yes, it is- they're my favourite band :)

thank you I'm not really sure tbh, it feels like so much is spiralling atm, I'm almost clinging to my ED just because it's the one thing I feel I'm "good at"

it's awful isn't it? honestly after I made this post they called me back at 5.30am, just over 6 hours after I called them, like jfc making someone in crisis wait 6 hours is terrible :/ I hope that you're managing to stay as well as you can, best wishes to you as well

Hi I am not feeling well at all. Just spiralling out of control. To think this is my life now just makes me,miserable. Hope u are doing oi

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

I cried in front of 3 of my friends on Friday... things aren't the best right now and one of them asked how I am and I just broke down. I couldn't stop apologising- I just kept going "I'm sorry" over and over. I feel so fucked. I'm waiting for a call back from the mental health team rn, it's nearly 1am, I'm in the UK and our mh services are shit. I'm not even really sure why I bothered reaching out to them. I just feel guilty and sad and disgusted all at once about myself.

I purged earlier (I'm bulimic, and in my case purging refers to vomiting) and my legs feel really weak too. I wish my ED would kill me so I don't keep having to attempt and do the dirty work without either SI kicking in or someone finding out... idk. this whole thing is a stupid ramble.

I want to CTB. I sometimes sit and wonder what my friends will do/say/think when I do. I really want to go.

I know my friends aren't on here, but if you are one and somehow you see this either before or after I'm gone:
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

I'm also in the UK unfortunately, and yes the so-called mental health system is broken. I've now given up on all of the Doctors and therapists because even if you do manage to actually get an appointment when you really need one, the vast majority of them don't really care about patients and are only in it for the money. Most of them also lack the people skills and empathy thet are needed to work in the mental health profession. It's also rare to get the help that you really need because the Government wont put enough money into the system. Broken country , broken system.
So sorry you are going through this.