Venting Sorry if you think me crazy and for how mixed up this vent is.

[Some place nice]

I don't want to exist but, I didn't want to Ctb. I haven't thought of it since high school but now some of my mental issues has gotten worse and not ever finding the love I wish so much for has me at my wits end. I don't have a precise date yet bc I want to go on my trip next week and I don't want my cat to grief me before we put her down.

She is a nice cat but she had a traumatic experience when she got pregnant. Now she is getting bullied by my uncles cat. She attacks the other cats and is slowly turning on us when she isn't locked in a room or if we try to let her out. Her full title is Patchy the Pirate. She had a little spot on her eye that looked just like a patch. She got her name from Sponge Bob ofc.

Speaking about my issues that have gotten worse, I have psychosis nos (not specified), depression nos, and homicidal ideation. All three of them have gotten worse so all I can think is harm to people and Ctb. Y'all might think me crazy, and you'll be right. But I'm just lost in this shroud of not wanting to exist.
Sorry if this vent doesn't make a whole lotta since. I have just had a lot on my mind rn and needed to get it off somewhere.

 

[letmejoindeath]

I don't want to exist but, I didn't want to Ctb. I haven't thought of it since high school but now some of my mental issues has gotten worse and not ever finding the love I wish so much for has me at my wits end. I don't have a precise date yet bc I want to go on my trip next week and I don't want my cat to grief me before we put her down.

She is a nice cat but she had a traumatic experience when she got pregnant. Now she is getting bullied by my uncles cat. She attacks the other cats and is slowly turning on us when she isn't locked in a room or if we try to let her out. Her full title is Patchy the Pirate. She had a little spot on her eye that looked just like a patch. She got her name from Sponge Bob ofc.

Speaking about my issues that have gotten worse, I have psychosis nos (not specified), depression nos, and homicidal ideation. All three of them have gotten worse so all I can think is harm to people and Ctb. Y'all might think me crazy, and you'll be right. But I'm just lost in this shroud of not wanting to exist.
Sorry if this vent doesn't make a whole lotta since. I have just had a lot on my mind rn and needed to get it off somewhere.

Just don't hurt anyone else, why involve someone else when none of it will matter to you anyways. You'll be gone.

Just because our lives are bad doesn't mean other people deserve harm.

 

[Some place nice]

Just don't hurt anyone else, why involve someone else when none of it will matter to you anyways. You'll be gone.

Just because our lives are bad doesn't mean other people deserve harm.

Ik but the urges to do harm got worse. I am strong enough to not harm anyone but that doesn't stop me from wanting to.

 

[letmejoindeath]

I can understand why you want to ctb then. That sucks, im sorry you feel that way. For me I harm people I care about and I don't want to or try to.

Some of us are broken, broken things are thrown away if they can't be fixed.

 

[Some place nice]

I can understand why you want to ctb then. That sucks, im sorry you feel that way. For me I harm people I care about and I don't want to or try to.

Some of us are broken, broken things are thrown away if they can't be fixed.

I cant understand how you harm people you care for but, I also do the something to my only friend. I have no attachments to my family bc all they do is hurt me and tell me "that's how our family is." I have been broken time and time again and they just looked the other way. They gave me these issues and just tossed me aside.

 

[letmejoindeath]

I cant understand how you harm people you care for but, I also do the something to my only friend. I have no attachments to my family bc all they do is hurt me and tell me "that's how our family is." I have been broken time and time again and they just looked the other way. They gave me these issues and just tossed me aside.

I have said things I don't mean and people don't trust me anymore or want to forgive me. Im very understanding of this and hate myself for it. I have been doing pretty well lately but life just isn't worth it without my wife and daughter. Even with them I'm just surviving and can't provide them the security they deserve. The only answer is to ctb

 

[venomousSSërpent74]

I have said things I don't mean and people don't trust me anymore or want to forgive me. Im very understanding of this and hate myself for it. I have been doing pretty well lately but life just isn't worth it with my wife and daughter. Even with them I'm just surviving and can't provide them the security they deserve. The only answer is to ctb

i'm sorry you feel that way but you'll be at peace I feel the same way honestly but it's not my time yet.

I don't want to exist but, I didn't want to Ctb. I haven't thought of it since high school but now some of my mental issues has gotten worse and not ever finding the love I wish so much for has me at my wits end. I don't have a precise date yet bc I want to go on my trip next week and I don't want my cat to grief me before we put her down.

She is a nice cat but she had a traumatic experience when she got pregnant. Now she is getting bullied by my uncles cat. She attacks the other cats and is slowly turning on us when she isn't locked in a room or if we try to let her out. Her full title is Patchy the Pirate. She had a little spot on her eye that looked just like a patch. She got her name from Sponge Bob ofc.

Speaking about my issues that have gotten worse, I have psychosis nos (not specified), depression nos, and homicidal ideation. All three of them have gotten worse so all I can think is harm to people and Ctb. Y'all might think me crazy, and you'll be right. But I'm just lost in this shroud of not wanting to exist.
Sorry if this vent doesn't make a whole lotta since. I have just had a lot on my mind rn and needed to get it off somewhere.

i wish I could hug you i'm sorry but you'll be at peace farewell.

 

[GreenMarsh]

I don't want to exist but, I didn't want to Ctb. I haven't thought of it since high school but now some of my mental issues has gotten worse and not ever finding the love I wish so much for has me at my wits end. I don't have a precise date yet bc I want to go on my trip next week and I don't want my cat to grief me before we put her down.

She is a nice cat but she had a traumatic experience when she got pregnant. Now she is getting bullied by my uncles cat. She attacks the other cats and is slowly turning on us when she isn't locked in a room or if we try to let her out. Her full title is Patchy the Pirate. She had a little spot on her eye that looked just like a patch. She got her name from Sponge Bob ofc.

Speaking about my issues that have gotten worse, I have psychosis nos (not specified), depression nos, and homicidal ideation. All three of them have gotten worse so all I can think is harm to people and Ctb. Y'all might think me crazy, and you'll be right. But I'm just lost in this shroud of not wanting to exist.
Sorry if this vent doesn't make a whole lotta since. I have just had a lot on my mind rn and needed to get it off somewhere.

Thank you for expressing your feelings to the best of your ability OP,

Here's what I think from my own personal experience with CTB; I'd like to believe most of us in this forum are dead-set on the fact we want to CTB, and a lot of the certainty that comes with embracing death is the idea that you can die without anything you'd regret so much that you wish you had lived longer. That is to say, I, as well as many users have to to terms with the pain they'll bring about because of their deaths, and the legacy they'll inevitably leave behind.

You have a cat you love, and I strongly believe you should cherish that to your most honest and hearty extent, unapologetically so. Likewise, I encourage you to come to terms with some of your own pain, and not be afraid to ask yourself if you're suicidal because of your many conditions, or if such conditions are a symptom of your inability to CTB. There is a meaningful difference.

Whatever the case might be, I'd like to believe this forum is a place for expressing your grievances in ways other places could never allow you to, so at the very least, I encourage you to keep posting, and support you in your endeavor to try and express yourself as honestly as you can. Best of luck, may you find your answer.

 

[Some place nice]

I have said things I don't mean and people don't trust me anymore or want to forgive me. Im very understanding of this and hate myself for it. I have been doing pretty well lately but life just isn't worth it with my wife and daughter. Even with them I'm just surviving and can't provide them the security they deserve. The only answer is to ctb

It all ends eventually. Why not on your own terms.