dazednconfused
could i be an angel?
- Oct 8, 2024
- 30
hello. i'm new here. i realized the only two people i feel like opening up to are tiring of me especially now that ive seriously laid out my plans, theyve given up on me.
i do not blame them.
i gave up on myself too.
right now it is 3:45 AM and my two little brothers are listening to jazz music lightly in their room next to mine. i still share a room with my sister and havent moved out, i still go to community college here. never got my license so i take the bus.
in two more days i get on birth control.
i'm afraid of needles, ironically, so i might just close my eyes. the changes to my hormones, i hope, will be akin to a final push.
i love my family, i think, sometimes, and i dont want to hurt anyone but the pain i experience is so intense, and it hurts more that its over nothing. but its all i remember. i, at the ages of 10-12, would walk with my mom and i remember telling her day after day, 'why do i feel like theres a black hole in my tummy?' sucking everything up, a hollowness that is unexplained.
i told my boyfriend, now ex (?), that id be an angel to watch over him. i dont think i am an angel. but i hope if there has to be a reincarnation, i could be one.
i'm sorry for everything i might have done to deserve this. i hope there is some form of a god or afterlife in some ways as i read from NDERF but, if not thats okay too.
i bought from DMC, the SN, and have someone to give me Xanax (would this work as a benzo of choice? how much do i need in compared to the oxazepam?) i may ask that in a different post... i had wanted to go for the inert gas route but its too obvious, and im very weak and cant drive, plus i cant imagine getting by with my anxiety, trying to ask for it and masking my intentions. this should be easier, but im also very uncomfortable with vomiting, as i did much of that on my first, very silly 'non-method', attempt.
im trying to be brave so i can do this finally. i have to be patient for my impulsiveness to kick in once i am hurt yet again. i know i am not doing good enough. i am lazy and a coward.. sorry for not having much humor or personality in my posts thus far... maybe if i feel a little better i can be more myself.
i always shared too much and talked too much online, but its my only peace. thank you if you even read this... haha. maybe i can attach one of the last songs i think i'll make soon. if its anonymous enough and unreleased but ill think on it.
i might make another post discussing my plans. thank you again!
i do not blame them.
i gave up on myself too.
right now it is 3:45 AM and my two little brothers are listening to jazz music lightly in their room next to mine. i still share a room with my sister and havent moved out, i still go to community college here. never got my license so i take the bus.
in two more days i get on birth control.
i'm afraid of needles, ironically, so i might just close my eyes. the changes to my hormones, i hope, will be akin to a final push.
i love my family, i think, sometimes, and i dont want to hurt anyone but the pain i experience is so intense, and it hurts more that its over nothing. but its all i remember. i, at the ages of 10-12, would walk with my mom and i remember telling her day after day, 'why do i feel like theres a black hole in my tummy?' sucking everything up, a hollowness that is unexplained.
i told my boyfriend, now ex (?), that id be an angel to watch over him. i dont think i am an angel. but i hope if there has to be a reincarnation, i could be one.
i'm sorry for everything i might have done to deserve this. i hope there is some form of a god or afterlife in some ways as i read from NDERF but, if not thats okay too.
i bought from DMC, the SN, and have someone to give me Xanax (would this work as a benzo of choice? how much do i need in compared to the oxazepam?) i may ask that in a different post... i had wanted to go for the inert gas route but its too obvious, and im very weak and cant drive, plus i cant imagine getting by with my anxiety, trying to ask for it and masking my intentions. this should be easier, but im also very uncomfortable with vomiting, as i did much of that on my first, very silly 'non-method', attempt.
im trying to be brave so i can do this finally. i have to be patient for my impulsiveness to kick in once i am hurt yet again. i know i am not doing good enough. i am lazy and a coward.. sorry for not having much humor or personality in my posts thus far... maybe if i feel a little better i can be more myself.
i always shared too much and talked too much online, but its my only peace. thank you if you even read this... haha. maybe i can attach one of the last songs i think i'll make soon. if its anonymous enough and unreleased but ill think on it.
i might make another post discussing my plans. thank you again!
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