Story Sometimes my husband says things to me like 'You are crazy' or 'You are bipolar'

[IfyouareamanWinston]

So my husband and I do not live together currently as he is in another country and we are awaiting a visa decision. This adds stress to our relationship although I made peace with it as I do not feel I will even live long enough to see that process fulfilled. So usually he is the one that struggles with the distance.
For context I have never been evaluated by anyone or diagnosed with any mental illness. When he says stuff like that I usually get annoyed and pissed off as I think I see myself much more objectively then he sees me.

When we are fighting or I am having a particularly bad day mentally he will say things to me like 'You are crazy' or 'You are bipolar' or "You are acting manic' etc. I actually think its him that is overly emotional most of the time. I rarely yell or get really upset, I usually just tell him I need space and to leave me alone for a bit, then he will send me shitty messages and call until I am forced to talk with him. I will then get really upset because he is pushing me and that when he will say things like 'you are crazy'. I have to be pushed to the point of almost breaking to really feel anything most of the time.

The thing is I doubt myself sometimes and then I wonder is he gaslighting me or am I actually a crazy person? I know no one here can say whether that's the case or no I'm just venting a little I guess. Usually then after I show some emotions that will cause him to do a 180 and apologies and say that he was being shitty and beg me to forgive me. I think its strange that its hard to know your own reality in the context of how other perceive you.

 

[Pluto]

There's the possibility he is psychologically projecting. He likely is insecure about his own mental health.

 

[chocolatebar]

Be careful with that. Doubting someone's mental capacities is a common, but dishonest strategy to make someone's voice go unheard and the arguments, ignored.

 

[IfyouareamanWinston]

There's the possibility he is psychologically projecting. He likely is insecure about his own mental health.

I think that is a plausible theory just based on some other things about him and other things he has said in the past. He is not able to be candidly honest with himself so he cant recognize or acknowledge things about himself.

 

[Pluto]

This would be worth a read if you have time.

Signs You're Married to a Narcissist

Being married to a narcissist or otherwise involved with one can damage your own mental health. To help ward it off, look for these signs of narcissism in a relationship.

www.verywellmind.com

 

[Celerity]

Without knowing you personally and having only read what you posted here, this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. My first instinct says that he is invalidating your perspective and may move on to gaslighting in a cycle of abuse if he has not already. And then let's say hypothetically that he is completely correct and you are "crazy", how long will such a relationship last? It's easy for me to say break up or take a pause because I'm just an armchair quarterback here, but I don't get the sense that this relationship will make it through the process of assimilating to a foreign country.

 

[SarRy]

Distance might be playing a bit of a problem. Some people might become anxious being away from their partner and lash out in weird ways. Maybe he just wants to interact with you and even if its negative it makes him feel your metaphorical presence. That might not be good to do and he might not even know what he's doing, but that might be it. He might be lashing out because you want time for yourself and he fears that means you are losing interest.

As for your mental health, you could always go and get evaluated. Being numb or emotionally dead doesn't sound too swell. If you have doubts, then bringing them to a professional might help. People often call people crazy without really meaning it.

 

[IfyouareamanWinston]

Without knowing you personally and having only read what you posted here, this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. My first instinct says that he is invalidating your perspective and may move on to gaslighting in a cycle of abuse if he has not already. And then let's say hypothetically that he is completely correct and you are "crazy", how long will such a relationship last? It's easy for me to say break up or take a pause because I'm just an armchair quarterback here, but I don't get the sense that this relationship will make it through the process of assimilating to a foreign country.

I think I am just in a place where I just do not think I will live long enough for it to mater. I also have tried to be honest with him and he wants to 'stick by me' so I am just letting it play out. Not really an active player in my life atm. If I recover then I will have to deal with some of these issues.

This would be worth a read if you have time.

Signs You're Married to a Narcissist

Being married to a narcissist or otherwise involved with one can damage your own mental health. To help ward it off, look for these signs of narcissism in a relationship.

www.verywellmind.com

Thank you for the resource. I think part of the issues is that I usually take the blame for stuff or feel that it is all my responsibility because of my cptsd and that's who I am. Maybe he is a narc feeding off me being fucked up or not. Who can say XD

 

[noaccount]

This would be worth a read if you have time.

Signs You're Married to a Narcissist

Being married to a narcissist or otherwise involved with one can damage your own mental health. To help ward it off, look for these signs of narcissism in a relationship.

www.verywellmind.com

Hey, we CANNOT fight the discrimination that this person is facing from their husband (for being "allegedly bipolar") by turning around and discriminating against ANOTHER group of psychiatrically-labeled people.
(What these 17 things ACTUALLY ARE are signs you may be married to SOMEONE WHO MISTREATS YOU.)

Winston I'm sorry that is happening and whether or not a doctor would ever call you bipolar or not, it's insidious and dehumanizing to treat anyone's emotions, ways-of-thinking, or need for boundaries, as "symptoms" that can be ignored or taken less seriously than other people's.

 

[Pluto]

(What these 17 things ACTUALLY ARE are signs you may be married to SOMEONE WHO MISTREATS YOU.)

It is impossible to know for certain what is happening with the limited information we have. I only speculate in the hope that there is something important that has been overlooked.

Firstly, there is a history of trauma. If it involves interpersonal abuse (bad parents, etc.), this could lead to normalising mistreatment in adult relationships, without noticing something is wrong. It also could mean shaky boundaries about what is real or not, which can be exploited by a narcissistic partner who will use guilt, fear, etc. to assert domination.

Secondly, the OP being suicidal could be a result of cumulative harm by this abuse, until death is seen as the only way out.

Thirdly, the alleged gaslighting would represent a classic narcissistic tactic.

This is still not enough to warrant an armchair diagnosis of someone who isn't here to defend themselves, which is why I suggested looking into it. I feel passionate about protecting innocent people from brutalisers as I have been through the worst of it myself.

If we are arguing that narcissism - which we all have to some degree - is a woeful illness in its pathological form, often caused by trauma and deserving sympathy, etc., this is a difficult grey area that isn't worth going into here. Some people with NPD make efforts to get support for their condition, while others enjoy the exploits of their superpower and leave a trail of tormented and dead people in their wake. I only feel sympathy for the former group.

 

[IfyouareamanWinston]

I think he is not a narcissist however he has some issues with empathizing with other people or failing to understand how his words/actions might be hurtful. Then he immediately becomes defensive about what he did/said and he will apologies only after cooling off or me basically blocking/ignoring or ending things. In the end whatever is wrong it is similar to narcissistic abuse in some ways. I have my own issues of course so at what point is it two people with issues vs abuse. That's kind of my point in why I cant say for sure.

 

[makethepainstop]

So my husband and I do not live together currently as he is in another country and we are awaiting a visa decision. This adds stress to our relationship although I made peace with it as I do not feel I will even live long enough to see that process fulfilled. So usually he is the one that struggles with the distance.
For context I have never been evaluated by anyone or diagnosed with any mental illness. When he says stuff like that I usually get annoyed and pissed off as I think I see myself much more objectively then he sees me.

When we are fighting or I am having a particularly bad day mentally he will say things to me like 'You are crazy' or 'You are bipolar' or "You are acting manic' etc. I actually think its him that is overly emotional most of the time. I rarely yell or get really upset, I usually just tell him I need space and to leave me alone for a bit, then he will send me shitty messages and call until I am forced to talk with him. I will then get really upset because he is pushing me and that when he will say things like 'you are crazy'. I have to be pushed to the point of almost breaking to really feel anything most of the time.

The thing is I doubt myself sometimes and then I wonder is he gaslighting me or am I actually a crazy person? I know no one here can say whether that's the case or no I'm just venting a little I guess. Usually then after I show some emotions that will cause him to do a 180 and apologies and say that he was being shitty and beg me to forgive me. I think its strange that its hard to know your own reality in the context of how other perceive you.

Sounds to me like he is a control freak, no wonder you need time away from him.

 

[IfyouareamanWinston]

Wow a woman with a husband on a suicide forum


doesn't get anymore attention seeking than this shit


if you have a husband whom is willing to even touch you. you shouldn't even be here as you are accepted by humanity


big cringe

.

 

[noaccount]

These things can simply be called "abuse," there's no need to throw another group of people with psychiatric labels under the bus.

(If I was abused by someone with depression is it depressed abuse? Or what if I was abused by someone with ptsd - "traumatized abuse"? Abused by a partner who was bi - wouldn't say "bisexual abuse.")

 

[FatalSystemError591]

Semantic bickering aside, what he's doing is gaslighting you. If you are anything like me (and you can read a lot of what I went through on this forum, you'll probably relate) if you cut him out of your life you can finally start to heal and eventually will get to a spot where you won't feel as suicidal anymore. What he's doing is abusive and your situation is probably the safest you can be in right now, you're not even in the same country. While you can, get out, and get yourself to therapy to process his abuse and heal.