Kobusu
Writer
- Oct 18, 2021
- 260
I'm not sure if it's the medication or what, but lately it's been feeling like things may get better, or that they might be better in general. Afterwards, though, the comedown is hard. It's really hard, and I find myself back at where I was BEFORE I got thrown into the hospital. It hurts more this time, though, because there's that slight glimmer of hope for a moment. Like a little taste of hope or happiness or some peace and fucking quiet just to have it ripped from your hands at the last moment. I apologize for the rant, it's just hard. It's really hard and I'm constantly reminded of why I decided to try and ctb in the first place. This time though it's not a numbness. It's a frustration, because it felt like I was so close to maybe having my days be bearable in some fucking sense of the world. Just to have it dashed in front of me. I really really just want to be dead but I can't do it again, not for a while. There's too many people relying on me. I only make it through the nights by thinking about how great it'll feel to finally paint the walls when the day comes. Anyways, sorry for the rant. I hope you all are well.