Sometimes I wish i didnt i have the capability to love

[FireFox]

There is a guy I am in love with and he has qualities that I really want in a man. Sometimes I wish I didn't have the capability to love and appreciate qualities in people. He is a retail worker at the CBD store in his 30s. The way he rejected me was so painful and cruel.

He is such cool guy with an extraordinary life and he cares for those around him. He spent his childhood and teens living in different countries due to his parents work, he went college in America before coming to the UK and he has been through a lot. He developed cancer in the brain in his 20s and now cancer free. He has an enormous tumour on head which the doctors couldn't remove. We the had most interesting conversations about politics, travel and yeah CBD . The store at times had no customers thats how we talked and got to know each other. One day when he was work which was CBD store I asked him for his number and asked him to go on a walk with me after his work finished. He agreed and we had such a great time. Summer with him was so much fun.

The way he rejected me was just so disrespectful and cruel which is the most painful part. This happened in September weeks before I was due to start university. On Thursday I asked him to go with me to have coffee on Sunday and told him I liked him. He agrees to go with me and 1 day before we were scheduled to have coffee he decides to reject me. He messaged me a half a page long reply on why he is rejecting me and telling me why I am not good enough for him. It's was painful to read. He 2 long reasons why he doesn't want me.

Reason 1 - He says I am not who I think he is and telling me how is not a bad person. He even calls himself a stranger and how I don't know him.

Reason 2 He didn't want to be with me because I am Catholic, he is militant atheist. I already told him I will never force my beliefs on him and respect his right to be anti religion but for him he can never be with a woman who goes to chruch. I liked him and embraced him for he is entirely but he can't accept 1 part of me.

The text message was so long I had to read twice because I just woke up from bed and I couldn't believe what I was reading. He knew I liked him and agreed to go for a coffee then decides I am not good enough for him and rejected me 1 day before we were scheduled to go for a coffee.

The woman who ends up getting up with him she is going to be he luckiest woman in the world and I feel like the unluckiest woman in the world not being picked by him. Worst of all he doesn't acknowledge his actions as a rejection the lack of self awareness and denial he had about it towards me was the worst i experienced this when i caught up with him in November. I really thought I has a chance with him. This same man even complained how women don't take an interest in him and said how he wanted a relationship more than anything.

He was everything I wanted in a guy. I talk and bond with other men but they are not him. I feel like I will never meet anyone fun and exciting like him. The guys at university all have girlfriends whether it's long distance or partner working in the UK. The loneliness makes me miss him especially in the evenings because we used talk a lot.

I wish I didn't have the capability to love. I know i will get over him but this pain is just too much. The more men I talk too and try to bond with other men the conservation never flows its makes me miss the guy so much especially evenings

 

[raskol1980]

I'm reminded of a quote from 'The Human Stain' by Philip Roth: 'I did no more Ethan find a friend and all the worlds malice came rushing in.'

We try to isolate ourselves from the world to protect ourselves. But the loneliness, the need for compassion, companionship can undermine in 1 second what has taken years to build up. God I don't half talk shit sometimes!

 

[excinephile]

Be careful what you wish for, life without emotions is absolute hell and you can loose them via psydrugs.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Tbh, I feel like you kind of dodged a bullet. Based on some of your other posts about him, it seems like he had a few red flags waving around him.

I think part of the issue is that you are so hung up on him that it's preventing you from being able to form connections with other men. You keep on comparing them to him but they aren't him and that's fine. It's not uncommon for it to take a while for conversations to start flowing more naturally. Hell, sometimes it still takes a while for the conversations between me and my bf to get flowing and I've known him for around 2-years now. I know that it's hard but you need to try and move on.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

We try to isolate ourselves from the world to protect ourselves. But the loneliness, the need for compassion, companionship can undermine in 1 second what has taken years to build up.

Can confirm, now strongly attached to someone who doesn't have the time of day for me and is in any case completely wrong for me and I for him

 

[failureofahuman]

Not being able to feel love for other people is absolute hell. You will end up having to force friendships and relationships while simultaneously feeling like a piece of shit for not really loving
/caring about them. And you'll still feel lonely because that sense of connection isn't really being met - even if people love you, it doesn't "get through" to you because you can't understand why someone would feel that way about you.