Usually I don't think that but on certain occassions. I spend so much time on thinking about suicide. Especially when it distracts me of being productivity or increases my desperation it can be counterproductive. I get depressed when I take a bath recently. Sometimes depressive thoughts can decrease manic symptoms but I pay a huge price for it. I have so many worries and sorrows about the future. It would be sometimes way easier being ignorant or agnostic as my parents and just to hope for the best. Sometimes I perceive this as naive but I think with their strategy they have a better life quality than me. When I reflect about it I recognize how deeply entrenched these mechanisms are in my brain.
I kind of envy people who can say: Well we will find ways to solve the problems no matter what. It reminds me of the attitude of my dad. However there is a part of me that think he just did not realize the predicament this family is in. On the other hand I cannot predict the future. There are so many variables and worrying without any break also won't solve my issues.
I think in therapy I learned that it is important to allow oneself breaks of such ruminating. Gladly I managed to find medication to make it easier to fall asleep. I can remember how painful it was to ruminate for hours before I could fall in sleep.
I have a high level of anxiety. I try to live more in the present time sometimes. It is really hard for me. Though I think the right balance is important. I am still very fixated on my issues. Though allowing me to reward myself with gifts increased my life quality for now. Simulating poverty was stupid and I am glad I stopped that. I want to enjoy my hobbies as long as I can. However I stll think a lot before I spend money on something. I don't want to become wasteful.
So the message of this thread is probably that it is important for recovery to be good to oneself. It is hard to stop suicidal thoughts or ruminating completely but thinking about it forever and for every given second can be extremely exhaustive. As I mentioned earlier I think many people manage to live with suicidal thoughts without committing suicide. Probably the majority of people does that. One can find methods to distract oneself. At the same time I completely understand that a valve is a necessity when it becomes impossible to bear the pain alone. I am glad I have some coping skils to deal with that.
I still don't think my life will have an happy end. But what should I do? One can only try as good as one can. I try that it does not drive me insane this evening. And I manage to live from one day to the next. I cannot imagine that this could continue for another decade. But noone knows the future. I try to relax and chill now. Listening to some Lil Peep songs which calm me and thinking about some rewards that I will allow myself if I reach some future goals.
Hugs and a lot of love!
I kind of envy people who can say: Well we will find ways to solve the problems no matter what. It reminds me of the attitude of my dad. However there is a part of me that think he just did not realize the predicament this family is in. On the other hand I cannot predict the future. There are so many variables and worrying without any break also won't solve my issues.
I think in therapy I learned that it is important to allow oneself breaks of such ruminating. Gladly I managed to find medication to make it easier to fall asleep. I can remember how painful it was to ruminate for hours before I could fall in sleep.
I have a high level of anxiety. I try to live more in the present time sometimes. It is really hard for me. Though I think the right balance is important. I am still very fixated on my issues. Though allowing me to reward myself with gifts increased my life quality for now. Simulating poverty was stupid and I am glad I stopped that. I want to enjoy my hobbies as long as I can. However I stll think a lot before I spend money on something. I don't want to become wasteful.
So the message of this thread is probably that it is important for recovery to be good to oneself. It is hard to stop suicidal thoughts or ruminating completely but thinking about it forever and for every given second can be extremely exhaustive. As I mentioned earlier I think many people manage to live with suicidal thoughts without committing suicide. Probably the majority of people does that. One can find methods to distract oneself. At the same time I completely understand that a valve is a necessity when it becomes impossible to bear the pain alone. I am glad I have some coping skils to deal with that.
I still don't think my life will have an happy end. But what should I do? One can only try as good as one can. I try that it does not drive me insane this evening. And I manage to live from one day to the next. I cannot imagine that this could continue for another decade. But noone knows the future. I try to relax and chill now. Listening to some Lil Peep songs which calm me and thinking about some rewards that I will allow myself if I reach some future goals.
Hugs and a lot of love!
