A
Anonymous1997ES
Member
- Jul 30, 2021
- 82
The main reason I hate myself... Is the person I could have become had I not changed... Or the person that could still be hiding inside of my mind...
Back in the past, I used to be a very self-centered person, and I could've turned into a narcissist had the worst happened... I wanted to be popular and famous, I thought that I had more potential... And for that I made a mistake (won't mention it directly), that not only turned me into my current self, but still, twelve years later, just remembering it sends me into full blown panic (since I could've become a laughingstock at worst).
I brought that upon myself, I gave people a reason to bully me, because I wanted to be acknowledged and recognized, and I even think I helped people in elementary school as a way for them not to hurt me (but I somewhat changed in between my teens and early adulthood). Only when I developed self-awareness back when I was 15-16 I realized how messed up I was...
I didn't know how to connect with people, many possible friendships tended to fade away, and I tended to annoy others so much, that I ended up either ghosted, or they snapped at me for my way of being... In a nutshell, I bring out the worst of others sometimes. Back in my early college days... I used to think I was better for not drinking, doing drugs or smoking at all, I used to think those who took selfies of themselves smiling or sharing their happiness were selfish and narcissistic, when in reality... I could've been the one with those traits, as I don't know how to understand self-love at all...
I had, and I still have, many of these defects: codependency, paranoid thoughts of betrayal and thinking others hate me and so on, inability to make nor keep most friendships, pissing people off with my way of being, being condescending (in the sense that I didn't say what I really thought about), making promises without being sure I can fulfill them, talking far too much, being jealous (like thinking I will be replaced/abandoned by other people arriving in some friend's lives and so on)...
Would a person who's truly "good" or "genuine" be able to create so much hatred inside of others? Would someone "good" have in between 25-30 people as either enemies or them disliking you? Would a "good" person fail so miserably in connecting with others? Would someone "good" have their own ideals born as a self-defense mechanism that only changed later on?
Plus... As funny as this sounds, when I told people I might be "different", now I can admit it was a desperate way to finally be accepted and understood, yet I only caused people to think I was some kind of r-word, to be treated with kids gloves, to just be tolerated every once a while, always being told how "kind and cute" I am, only to evenually get avoided, hated and ghosted... In the end, I'm someone who only has self-pity for himself, never learns from his mistakes, and always is looking for other people's support... Honestly, I've been tempted to think everyone else is bad and I'm good, but logically it doesn't makes sense, because, as I said (forgive me if I'm wrong), good people aren't hated by so many others, and I'm sure they aren't like me either...
I think there's a big chance all this time I've been someone manipulative, selfish and so focused in his own pain that I didn't realize I was leaving behind some people who cared until I almost lost them... It's a miracle that I still have good friendships left... Other people have suffered far more than me, they didn't create their own suffering unlike me, yet I still complain about a hell I created with my own decisions... After all, if I've been hated by people, in some cases by not doing anything bad to them (though in some situations I was the one who made the mistake/misunderstanding)... Then what am I?
Back in the past, I used to be a very self-centered person, and I could've turned into a narcissist had the worst happened... I wanted to be popular and famous, I thought that I had more potential... And for that I made a mistake (won't mention it directly), that not only turned me into my current self, but still, twelve years later, just remembering it sends me into full blown panic (since I could've become a laughingstock at worst).
I brought that upon myself, I gave people a reason to bully me, because I wanted to be acknowledged and recognized, and I even think I helped people in elementary school as a way for them not to hurt me (but I somewhat changed in between my teens and early adulthood). Only when I developed self-awareness back when I was 15-16 I realized how messed up I was...
I didn't know how to connect with people, many possible friendships tended to fade away, and I tended to annoy others so much, that I ended up either ghosted, or they snapped at me for my way of being... In a nutshell, I bring out the worst of others sometimes. Back in my early college days... I used to think I was better for not drinking, doing drugs or smoking at all, I used to think those who took selfies of themselves smiling or sharing their happiness were selfish and narcissistic, when in reality... I could've been the one with those traits, as I don't know how to understand self-love at all...
I had, and I still have, many of these defects: codependency, paranoid thoughts of betrayal and thinking others hate me and so on, inability to make nor keep most friendships, pissing people off with my way of being, being condescending (in the sense that I didn't say what I really thought about), making promises without being sure I can fulfill them, talking far too much, being jealous (like thinking I will be replaced/abandoned by other people arriving in some friend's lives and so on)...
Would a person who's truly "good" or "genuine" be able to create so much hatred inside of others? Would someone "good" have in between 25-30 people as either enemies or them disliking you? Would a "good" person fail so miserably in connecting with others? Would someone "good" have their own ideals born as a self-defense mechanism that only changed later on?
Plus... As funny as this sounds, when I told people I might be "different", now I can admit it was a desperate way to finally be accepted and understood, yet I only caused people to think I was some kind of r-word, to be treated with kids gloves, to just be tolerated every once a while, always being told how "kind and cute" I am, only to evenually get avoided, hated and ghosted... In the end, I'm someone who only has self-pity for himself, never learns from his mistakes, and always is looking for other people's support... Honestly, I've been tempted to think everyone else is bad and I'm good, but logically it doesn't makes sense, because, as I said (forgive me if I'm wrong), good people aren't hated by so many others, and I'm sure they aren't like me either...
I think there's a big chance all this time I've been someone manipulative, selfish and so focused in his own pain that I didn't realize I was leaving behind some people who cared until I almost lost them... It's a miracle that I still have good friendships left... Other people have suffered far more than me, they didn't create their own suffering unlike me, yet I still complain about a hell I created with my own decisions... After all, if I've been hated by people, in some cases by not doing anything bad to them (though in some situations I was the one who made the mistake/misunderstanding)... Then what am I?
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