One person of my support system praised me for managing my life so well. The truth is many things are very mediocre however judging what a mental wreck it really is astonishing. I struggle with so much shit. My life quality is very low and I am still disciplined like a fucking monk. I have daily extreme anxiety. Struggle with manic symptoms, sometimes even psychotic symptoms, heavy OCD, sort of the imposter syndrome, depression etc. Holy shit. My life is so fucking fucked up. Most people would have killed themselves years ago. It makes me pretty angry I am really someone who tried really really a lot to recover. And I am still fighting every single day. Though when I try to talk with psychiatrists only about the possiblity of assisted suicide in case everything fails they still laugh me out of the room. They did not take me serious any second. I fucking tried so fucking much. I think roundabout 30 different medication, 3 psychotherapies, I think it were 7 clinic stays. It is a joke that someone as ill as me is restricted to access to assisted suicide. The shit costs over 10k, finding a psychiatrist who helps is extremely difficult. my dad blackmails me and threatened he would stop giving me money in case I applied for it.
The shit is cynical as fuck. It is hard to motivate me. I have very severe OCD. The pressure I am exposed to on a daily level is insane. I am exremely anxious to relapse and experiencing the insane longlasting pain again. I basically know that when fail I will underego an extreme living hell once again. The stakes are high and I am already a mental wreck. It is a miracle I could so far dodge hell breaks lose.
I try to motivate me. It is pretty hard. Sorry for the following political comparison. I probably feel like the Russian finanacial elite who somehow manages to keep the system alive while another person did this predicament to them. Lmao.
There are several ways to motivate me. I think about monks who go into abbeys and torture themselves voluntarily by disciplining themselves in order to reach new spiritual levels. I read in this forum and recognize well there are people here who have it even worse than me. So I have to fight for the ones who have it even worse than me. People who don't have any opportunity at all. The following is a little bit embarrassing an weird. Though I need motivation and I take whatever I can take. I have severe OCD concerning studying. And when I don't manage to be perfect I probably collapse because the anxiety and panic becomes so high that the house of cards crassh. I listen to Lil Peep songs and equate studying like an idiot with a rockstar lifestyle. Well sounds insane doesn't it but I am desperate and it helps a little bit. So why this comparison? Well I need addictive medication in order to cope with the insane pressure and stress. Many things look shiny at the outside but for the individual it often feels pretty shitty. Peep often threw up, he sometimes stated he would have prefered a normal job. another parallel is it is useful to impress people. I think some people in college are impressed by the facade they see. Eager as fuck, always motivated, witty and educated. It is all bullshit. I die a painful death every single day. My best friend at college expressed admiration for my grades. It is all made up, I spend insane time in studying. He called it making the best out of my situation. Well it is not (maybe it is I cannot change my OCD). But all the shit is torturing alive. I am always on the edge of collapsing. The pressure is agonizing as fuck. I think maybe 5% of the whole population could cope with that. It also needs 24/7 evaluation about my "well being" to initiate countermeasures.
Popped a benzo two hours ago. Further I will take a sleeping pill. This is what I am doing (still trying to dodge addiction though). This is my fucked up life.
The shit is cynical as fuck. It is hard to motivate me. I have very severe OCD. The pressure I am exposed to on a daily level is insane. I am exremely anxious to relapse and experiencing the insane longlasting pain again. I basically know that when fail I will underego an extreme living hell once again. The stakes are high and I am already a mental wreck. It is a miracle I could so far dodge hell breaks lose.
I try to motivate me. It is pretty hard. Sorry for the following political comparison. I probably feel like the Russian finanacial elite who somehow manages to keep the system alive while another person did this predicament to them. Lmao.
There are several ways to motivate me. I think about monks who go into abbeys and torture themselves voluntarily by disciplining themselves in order to reach new spiritual levels. I read in this forum and recognize well there are people here who have it even worse than me. So I have to fight for the ones who have it even worse than me. People who don't have any opportunity at all. The following is a little bit embarrassing an weird. Though I need motivation and I take whatever I can take. I have severe OCD concerning studying. And when I don't manage to be perfect I probably collapse because the anxiety and panic becomes so high that the house of cards crassh. I listen to Lil Peep songs and equate studying like an idiot with a rockstar lifestyle. Well sounds insane doesn't it but I am desperate and it helps a little bit. So why this comparison? Well I need addictive medication in order to cope with the insane pressure and stress. Many things look shiny at the outside but for the individual it often feels pretty shitty. Peep often threw up, he sometimes stated he would have prefered a normal job. another parallel is it is useful to impress people. I think some people in college are impressed by the facade they see. Eager as fuck, always motivated, witty and educated. It is all bullshit. I die a painful death every single day. My best friend at college expressed admiration for my grades. It is all made up, I spend insane time in studying. He called it making the best out of my situation. Well it is not (maybe it is I cannot change my OCD). But all the shit is torturing alive. I am always on the edge of collapsing. The pressure is agonizing as fuck. I think maybe 5% of the whole population could cope with that. It also needs 24/7 evaluation about my "well being" to initiate countermeasures.
Popped a benzo two hours ago. Further I will take a sleeping pill. This is what I am doing (still trying to dodge addiction though). This is my fucked up life.
