For a while I have felt like running away. I remember a while ago, maybe a couple years ago, I looked through old diaries, and found many of my writings that discussed running away. Either when I turned 13, 15, 16, 18, etc. It sometimes makes me so astonished that I felt this way for so many years. When I turned 18, it was quite a terrible day. The weeks leading up to it were filled with suicidal thoughts. Wondering if I should gift myself on my birthday the one thing I have always wanted.
But I wanted a birthday party. I remember the last birthday party I had that I really liked. I was turning 7. My mother at the time decorated everything. And I had on this white dress. I was very happy, and so many people came. I wanted to invite some of my family memebers for my 18th birthday. My mother said we would have a party. But this whole time she knew she wouldn't actually do it. She wouldn't actually help set up a party at all. On my birthday, she cancelled everything, and instead went out to hang with my brother. My brother SA me as a kid. She chose my birthday, to hang out with him. Out of all days.
I went over to my cousins who lived in the neighborhood right next to mine. She suprised me with a birthday cake, and her husband put a candle on to lit it, and sung happy birthday to me. I sat at that dinner table looking over at all of the food as they said a prayer. I felt very empty. And sad. I always imagined my 18th birthday to be grand. Not something fancy, but something big. I wanted to have a hotel room for myself, where I could enjoy the whole room to myself. Order as much takeout as possible, and sleep as much as I could. Away from my family, away from people. It would just be me, and the room. I would turn off my phone and be seperated from everything there was to know.
I thought about running as soon as I turned 18. But looking at it from a realistic perspective, it wasn't doable. And I never wanted to die so badly till that day. I felt thrown away, used, and stomped on. I mean, why on my birthday? Why of all days, you chose that day? You could've hung out with him any day of the week. But you chose my birthday. I never really felt happy on my birthday when I was in my early teens. But after turning 18, it really hit me. I don't have a family. I have nothing. I only have my sister and I feel very bad thinking about CTB when she is over there smiling at me telling me how amazing our lives will be when we move out soon. We are super close to escaping this hell hole.
But I wanted a birthday party. I remember the last birthday party I had that I really liked. I was turning 7. My mother at the time decorated everything. And I had on this white dress. I was very happy, and so many people came. I wanted to invite some of my family memebers for my 18th birthday. My mother said we would have a party. But this whole time she knew she wouldn't actually do it. She wouldn't actually help set up a party at all. On my birthday, she cancelled everything, and instead went out to hang with my brother. My brother SA me as a kid. She chose my birthday, to hang out with him. Out of all days.
I went over to my cousins who lived in the neighborhood right next to mine. She suprised me with a birthday cake, and her husband put a candle on to lit it, and sung happy birthday to me. I sat at that dinner table looking over at all of the food as they said a prayer. I felt very empty. And sad. I always imagined my 18th birthday to be grand. Not something fancy, but something big. I wanted to have a hotel room for myself, where I could enjoy the whole room to myself. Order as much takeout as possible, and sleep as much as I could. Away from my family, away from people. It would just be me, and the room. I would turn off my phone and be seperated from everything there was to know.
I thought about running as soon as I turned 18. But looking at it from a realistic perspective, it wasn't doable. And I never wanted to die so badly till that day. I felt thrown away, used, and stomped on. I mean, why on my birthday? Why of all days, you chose that day? You could've hung out with him any day of the week. But you chose my birthday. I never really felt happy on my birthday when I was in my early teens. But after turning 18, it really hit me. I don't have a family. I have nothing. I only have my sister and I feel very bad thinking about CTB when she is over there smiling at me telling me how amazing our lives will be when we move out soon. We are super close to escaping this hell hole.
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