Sometimes I feel better, and lose interest in coming here, and I feel bad for that

[Cage]

It makes me feel fake and dishonest, like my suicidal thoughts aren't real but just an impulse that goes in and out. It almost feels like an obligation to be here, that I need to constantly be seeing how bad everyone else has it to reinforce my own desire to CTB as well as keep up to date on how harsh and vile the world is. And so when I have moments of not feeling suicidal and take a brief break from this place, I end up feeling guilty for it. Does anyone else feel this way? Sometimes I don't know what to think of it.

 

[zeek]

whatever way u feel suicidal, its valid, theres no baseline or correct way of being suicidal, and its different for everyone.
it might be in waves for some, or a constant feeling for others
either way. if ur not already, seek help, and if u ever need someone to talk to im here
never feel guilty for how YOU feel, because in the end, its YOUR mind, and if you go the the grave, you're only buried with urself.

 

[Done_Surviving]

Honestly, I get what you're saying, I have been feeling the same for a couple of days now. There are days when I feel kinda hopeful and energized and think I will be able to get better eventually, and then there are days when I read over and over again the best methods to ctb, debating whether or not my closet's hanging bars are strong enough to support a partial hanging. In my opinion, I don't think that makes us hypocrites, I think it just means that, at least subconsciously we are trying to transition from being totally rock bottom to somewhere somewhat more stable, but our minds have been in the gutter for so long, that they don't know how to leave it just yet.
I get what you say about feeling obligated to be here. I don't want to sound like a hypocrite, or mean, or an old lady, or whatever; but when you're in an echo chamber you're hardly going to hear a different song. You can see the whole "echo chamber effects" everywhere, like with incels and facebook moms, they only hear what they want to hear and brainwash themselves into believing what they want. Don't get me wrong, I love this forum, it has helped me open up about my depression in ways I never could, and it has been a blessing to find people who could understand what I have been going through my mind better than any therapist could. But it is okay to take a break from it if it is messing with you, you're not betraying anyone. Everyone here has their own issues, and we are all here to support each other, but at the end of the day it's your life, and your feelings and you don't owe anyone the time of the day.

 

[BRAINWORMS]

It makes me feel fake and dishonest, like my suicidal thoughts aren't real but just an impulse that goes in and out. It almost feels like an obligation to be here, that I need to constantly be seeing how bad everyone else has it to reinforce my own desire to CTB as well as keep up to date on how harsh and vile the world is. And so when I have moments of not feeling suicidal and take a brief break from this place, I end up feeling guilty for it. Does anyone else feel this way? Sometimes I don't know what to think of it.

Same. I disappear for months and then get triggered and feel like everything good that happened was an illusion or distraction, then it fades, then it comes back. I'm happy this site is here as a landing space for when things are dark though. Maybe one day I'll finally decide, but until then, we're able to take what we need as we need it. Mutual support here doesn't feel like an obligation, it feels sincere and natural, whether or not we feel deserving of it.

 

[moondazed]

It makes me feel fake and dishonest, like my suicidal thoughts aren't real but just an impulse that goes in and out. It almost feels like an obligation to be here, that I need to constantly be seeing how bad everyone else has it to reinforce my own desire to CTB as well as keep up to date on how harsh and vile the world is. And so when I have moments of not feeling suicidal and take a brief break from this place, I end up feeling guilty for it. Does anyone else feel this way? Sometimes I don't know what to think of it.

If you were to feel better one day, and never come back here, everything you've felt and said previously is still valid and real. You experienced it, so it is real to you.

To commit to CTB should be a very deep and introspective process, because at the end of the day you cannot take that action back. It's the most permanent decision you'll ever make.

Regardless of what anyone else here says or thinks, it's your choice and your choice alone.

 

[Scattered-Soul]

I understand where you're coming from. Honestly I'd encourage anyone who's able to get even a little better to hold onto that and to try and build upon it, you don't have to be miserable and/or suicidal. At least not constantly. And you aren't fake at all, in fact for most people who experience suicidal thoughts they come and go. In the end of the day there isn't a right way to be suicidal or to experience emotions in that regard. Those are just experiences you're going through but you don't have to be stuck in the same mindset forever.

People are allowed to go back and forth. People are allowed to attempt CTB and fail and then go on and live a wonderful life afterwards. They're also allowed to feel suicidal again and come back. Not to mention that life isn't always sunshine and rainbows for anybody out there.

Obviously you can't fully control these feelings but in my opinion you should take care of yourself first and foremost. Come here if you want to, it can be regularly, it can be super rarely but you don't have an obligation to anybody and you don't have to force yourself back into suicidality. I hope what I'm trying to say makes sense.

 

[jinx <3]

I love this site, and strangely enough, I am the least suicidal I ever can be when I log off for the night. I always feel better when I see how positive and kind some of you all are in the face of so much pain. Trust me when I say you are valid as hell. Don't ever feel guilty for feeling good. We are all very happy for you whenever you feel good enough to not need this place for a while, but it's also okay to always need it.
That's what's great about SaSu.
Anyway, best wishes <3.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

It's perfectly normal to have a break, and there's honestly nothing to feel bad about.
I'm back on here with a new account because I thought I was beginning to feel better.
This of course was an illusion due to bipolar tricking my brain.
In the past, I have seen users go silent for months, and then suddenly reappear.

 

[whywere]

You are human and humans are social beings, so you are perfectly normal.

Now, I have had 2 attempts, and at times I get very bad suicidal thoughts, as I have 24/7 chronic pain and I just had spinal cord surgery so that I can still walk.

But seeing a sunrise or sunset and also having all the loving spirits on here, helps to chase away those thoughts.

Sending you lots of hugs and beautiful bright blue skies, my good friend.

Walter

 

[AshClouds]

Does anyone else feel this way? Sometimes I don't know what to think of it.

I go through periods where I don't log in here, mostly because I don't feel compelled to - lack of interest. Theres no reason to feel bad about it. Lately for whatever reason, I felt the need to post a lot on here.

 

[Kundalini Guy]

I have basically done a full recovery but still use the site

 

[Duality]

This is normal, and I feel the same way at times. Some days I feel better and I don't come on to this forum.

Your feelings are not fake, and you are not dishonest. You are not obliged to come on here, and you don't have to feel suicidal every single moment of your life as justification for justification's sake. You are allowed to have other feelings too.

Never feel bad about feeling better. And ignore anyone that says you have to constantly be feeling suicidal or you're just faking it, that's total nonsense.