Venting Sometimes I don’t even want to kill myself I just want to be caught in the act of doing it.

[frogboi]

I opened up to my doctor about everything going through my head. The suicidal thoughts, self harm, voices, etc etc and I got put on a bunch of different medications. Nothing would work and eventually it's like they stopped caring.

I opened up to my therapist about it all but I think she was just unable to help. All we ever talked about was how my week was and it became unbearable to pretend I was getting better.

I told my mom that I scratch at my arms until they bleed because everything is just too much for me and I can't handle it. I wasn't allowed to lock my door for 24 hours.

My girlfriend told me I need to open up more (obviously not as easy as it seems by now) and I eventually trusted her. She was the only person who understood my autism so I thought I could open up to her. I didn't even tell her I was suicidal and I didn't self harm almost our whole relationship and yesterday she broke up with me saying she wanted someone that could have a future and that won't kill theirself. I work hard to have a future where I am better every day. Every second I am fucking breathing I am winning a battle with myself and the woman I thought loved me just flat out said I could not have a future.

I deleted all my stuff off of social media because everything I see just hurts and one of my best friends who knows about my suicidal tendencies texts me saying "man if u don't quit dat no pfp shit" with a crying emoji at the end (the one you put when something is kind of funny.) Not even an are you okay or anything he basically just calls me cringy. I didn't respond, as far as he knows I could be dead right now.

I wish I could just be found passed out and bleeding somewhere just so everybody can finally take me seriously and understand that there is really something wrong with me. so I can finally feel loved. It's a struggle to get help when it always ends the same way. I have to resort to talking to strangers for comfort and to feel like people are listening to me.

 

[lookingforsanctuary]

A suicide attempt is certainly one way to make people realise you're serious. But it's so risky, a failed attempt can leave you so much worse off. Best to make sure you definitely want to die before you attempt ctb.

 

[frogboi]

A suicide attempt is certainly one way to make people realise you're serious. But it's so risky, a failed attempt can leave you so much worse off. Best to make sure you definitely want to die before you attempt ctb.

I'm probably not going to do something like that it's just so frustrating to be so thoroughly ignored. Sometimes it feels like it would just make people listen to me.

 

[lookingforsanctuary]

Yes I understand what you're saying. It's horrible that people can feel pushed to such extremes to be taken seriously.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's just the reality that other people could never really care, most humans are too self centred for that, it's true that you cannot rely on other people in this cruel world, we are certainly all alone as humans. Failing a suicide attempt would only make existing much worse and just lead to even more suffering.

 

[cgrtt.brns]

im so sorry you had to go through that. i understand why she might feel that way but that was such a horrible reason and way to end a relationship, im so sorry. i completely understand what you mean about not being taken seriously. i sometimes daydream about being caught trying to ctb and how id finally be taken seriously, its so shit that people dont seem to notice or care until you're already feeling broken beyond repair. sending you hugs if thats ok with you <3

 

[humaneyes__]

I empathize with the feeling that - short of an attempt to ctb - nobody is going to care.

In my case, I have been struggling recently with the realization that nobody is going to care when I do successfully ctb. I can think of two people who may in fact be relieved when I am dead.

It is devastating to be so profoundly disconnected from - and undesirable to - your society. Hence the need for compassionate self-determined exits.