I just feel really down right now.....
Pardon me because english is not my first language
I have suffered BPD and suicidal for a long time . I have a really low self esteem because of all the mental abuse by my mother since i was a kid.
On top of that, I got scammed last year and lost everything i had. And then last year in April / May i got diagnosed with endometrial cancer. It still in early stages so it treatable. I got hysterectomy and on chemotherapy until November last year. Since the diagnose and the surgery i feel really down. I lived in south east asia where having a child is a really important thing and it's your duty. But now I can't have a child biologically and i feel like a broken woman. It make me thinking that i will become unloveable.l, and nobody want me anymore. On top of that i live with my mother who make me feel like having a cancer is a really taboo subject and i have to feel ashamed if i tell someone about it. Everytime i told someone like my close friend about it and if my mother know it, she will yell at me and told me that it's shameful. It made me feel really down about it.
During chemo , it was hard , i thinking about to CBT many times. I always scared if my cancer will relapsed, how i hate myself , and how I don't see any future for me. I'm already searched about everything and decided to go with N if i want to CBT.
But i never have the courage and everytime i think it's more an impulsive thought.
Today i just received my PET SCAN result and it's not really good. They found a cyst and thought it may be a tumor. They will run more test about it. At that time i resolved that if it's a cancer, i will end it all. I don't want to spend the rest of my life dreading about cancer.
Pardon me because english is not my first language
I have suffered BPD and suicidal for a long time . I have a really low self esteem because of all the mental abuse by my mother since i was a kid.
On top of that, I got scammed last year and lost everything i had. And then last year in April / May i got diagnosed with endometrial cancer. It still in early stages so it treatable. I got hysterectomy and on chemotherapy until November last year. Since the diagnose and the surgery i feel really down. I lived in south east asia where having a child is a really important thing and it's your duty. But now I can't have a child biologically and i feel like a broken woman. It make me thinking that i will become unloveable.l, and nobody want me anymore. On top of that i live with my mother who make me feel like having a cancer is a really taboo subject and i have to feel ashamed if i tell someone about it. Everytime i told someone like my close friend about it and if my mother know it, she will yell at me and told me that it's shameful. It made me feel really down about it.
During chemo , it was hard , i thinking about to CBT many times. I always scared if my cancer will relapsed, how i hate myself , and how I don't see any future for me. I'm already searched about everything and decided to go with N if i want to CBT.
But i never have the courage and everytime i think it's more an impulsive thought.
Today i just received my PET SCAN result and it's not really good. They found a cyst and thought it may be a tumor. They will run more test about it. At that time i resolved that if it's a cancer, i will end it all. I don't want to spend the rest of my life dreading about cancer.
