just wanted to share this with someone
Yesterday I was laying in bed, and I happened to be high, and at the peak of the high(when it starts kicking in and you smoke for the first time in the day) so I started choking myself, not pressing the airway but the arteries, don't know why I did this, I guess I wanted again that effect of getting numb, so i got this effect, but as I was high it was different, I always feel things a lot when I'm high, and yesterday I felt horrible.
I felt as if my core, the most inner part of me was advancing towards something little that felt totally different than the normal sensation of living, inside it felt paralyzing, I felt really cold, I felt sudden coldness from inside out, I could feel the heat inside of me immediately going away, as well as my anxiety (which I always have in me at different degrees), all of this happened over a fraction of a second, then I immediately let go of my throat, and I felt really scared, scared to the point of panic and I couldn't bear it, I think I never had my heart beating that fast, it was like instinct me realized what was going on, I started to panic, I thought I had fucked myself up and now I was gonna be permanently in that state of horrible fear, I was like this for let's say 15 minutes while my heartbeat was slowly returning to normal.
The most weird is, after it happened a sensation of grimness like the grimness of a cemetery took me over, that sensation death gives you when you look at it as an outsider, then it really clicked me what my family is going to feel(which I haven't really felt until that moment)
It must have been just the effects of the blood not getting to the brain, and as i was high I felt everything more intensely, but it was horrible, it changed my perspective, until that moment I would think about ctbing so simply and imagine it as just being asleep, but that felt like watching death in the eye(I thought that in the moment, I tried to describe to myself everything I was feeling) and I really don't wanna feel something similar again, of course my plan is still up and I'm still gonna ctb, but now I see dying is not as simple as I thought, and death is not to be underestimated
Yesterday I was laying in bed, and I happened to be high, and at the peak of the high(when it starts kicking in and you smoke for the first time in the day) so I started choking myself, not pressing the airway but the arteries, don't know why I did this, I guess I wanted again that effect of getting numb, so i got this effect, but as I was high it was different, I always feel things a lot when I'm high, and yesterday I felt horrible.
I felt as if my core, the most inner part of me was advancing towards something little that felt totally different than the normal sensation of living, inside it felt paralyzing, I felt really cold, I felt sudden coldness from inside out, I could feel the heat inside of me immediately going away, as well as my anxiety (which I always have in me at different degrees), all of this happened over a fraction of a second, then I immediately let go of my throat, and I felt really scared, scared to the point of panic and I couldn't bear it, I think I never had my heart beating that fast, it was like instinct me realized what was going on, I started to panic, I thought I had fucked myself up and now I was gonna be permanently in that state of horrible fear, I was like this for let's say 15 minutes while my heartbeat was slowly returning to normal.
The most weird is, after it happened a sensation of grimness like the grimness of a cemetery took me over, that sensation death gives you when you look at it as an outsider, then it really clicked me what my family is going to feel(which I haven't really felt until that moment)
It must have been just the effects of the blood not getting to the brain, and as i was high I felt everything more intensely, but it was horrible, it changed my perspective, until that moment I would think about ctbing so simply and imagine it as just being asleep, but that felt like watching death in the eye(I thought that in the moment, I tried to describe to myself everything I was feeling) and I really don't wanna feel something similar again, of course my plan is still up and I'm still gonna ctb, but now I see dying is not as simple as I thought, and death is not to be underestimated
