Something to say

[Noone]

I feel like I should mention despite all this I want to repeat that I don't have a real plan and I am not going to take my life. I could never do that to my loved ones despite the pain I'm in. This board really only exists for me as a kind of a escape, a role play where I am literally face to face with the idea of ending it all and you know what? It actually helps me. Am I the only one who has this mentality?

 

[Chinaski]

Quite the opposite. Ideally I'd like to live, and previously had good reason to, l only joined this board for info when it became apparent that that previous life had gone and the future is not something l can face, and l must now push myself closer to death. I wish there were other options, but there aren't.

 

[mattwitt]

I can think of a few people on here that I don't think will ever kill themselves. They only come here for attention and or it's therapeutic for them.

 

[Ben]

I feel like I should mention despite all this I want to repeat that I don't have a real plan and I am not going to take my life. I could never do that to my loved ones despite the pain I'm in. This board really only exists for me as a kind of a escape, a role play where I am literally face to face with the idea of ending it all and you know what? It actually helps me. Am I the only one who has this mentality?

I'm glad to hear this place helps you. It's what it's here for after all, to help people.

 

[GeorgeEastman]

I'm just glad there's a place to freely admit my worship of death without everybody bitching at me.

In the real world, it's all people who have a zest for life. I just think at the very least, we should all celebrate the fact that we will die instead of being scared of it and trying like hell to delay it. I'd like to hasten it.

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

I feel like I should mention despite all this I want to repeat that I don't have a real plan and I am not going to take my life. I could never do that to my loved ones despite the pain I'm in. This board really only exists for me as a kind of a escape, a role play where I am literally face to face with the idea of ending it all and you know what? It actually helps me. Am I the only one who has this mentality?

(Venting diatribe response as per usual from me ....

Pretty similair .

I've been negotiating the freedom from those ties .

Well . I can do it now .... why not ?

In real life I've been avoiding 'living' in the accepted sense ... and being here has let me self evaluate amongst others without the usual TABOO noise precluding discussion .

It's important to me to live according to some expectations , and if those are not there then it may not be worth it.

A lot of those are directed at myself , and the realization that I have been 'living' in a world I built inside my mind and my emotional world that was according to some shitty blue prints of formative experience .

Destruction of the bullshit and creation of something I regard as integrity .

There is a very real sense in that shooting the shit on here is easier than planning traction in the real world ...

( edit to add : FOR ME ... plenty of folk don't know where to start discussing the internal world ... it's easier to bulldoze the real world and not even notice the internal , 'cos 'conditioning ... ?)

...but it feels like that may be changing .

I don't think I will ever invalidate suicide or rule it out as an option , but my attitude is evolving ... and that is change , and I guess thats ok .

The internal OCD mantras of self destruction have become infrequent rather than a constant ....

A friend ( an arch trickster from my past ... a loveable devil character , de-legitimizingly (?) said to me
very recently : "I've thought in the past that you probably think you are depressed more than you actually are ."

This was so infuriating , but I just let it go as a hair splitting analysis because I failed to see the difference .

Is there one ? Maybe he was right ... maybe I have talked myself into my depression in the same way I am trying to talk myself out of it ... ???

Who knows .

Thanks to everyone who reads this and has accepted my 'trying to find out' here .

 

[weedoge]

(Venting diatribe response as per usual from me ....

Pretty similair .

I've been negotiating the freedom from those ties .

Well . I can do it now .... why not ?

In real life I've been avoiding 'living' in the accepted sense ... and being here has let me self evaluate amongst others without the usual TABOO noise precluding discussion .

It's important to me to live according to some expectations , and if those are not there then it may not be worth it.

A lot of those are directed at myself , and the realization that I have been 'living' in a world I built inside my mind and my emotional world that was according to some shitty blue prints of formative experience .

Destruction of the bullshit and creation of something I regard as integrity .

There is a very real sense in that shooting the shit on here is easier than planning traction in the real world ... but it feels like that may be changing .

I don't think I will ever invalidate suicide or rule it out as an option , but my attitude is evolving ... and that is change , and I guess thats ok .

The internal OCD mantras of self destruction have become infrequent rather than a constant ....

A friend ( an arch trickster from my past ... a loveable devil character , de-legitimizingly (?) said to me
very recently : "I've thought in the past that you probably think you are depressed more than you actually are ."

This was so infuriating , but I just let it go as a hair splitting analysis because I failed to see the difference .

Is there one ? Maybe he was right ... maybe I have talked myself into my depression in the same way I am trying to talk myself out of it ... ???

Who knows .

Thanks to everyone who reads this and has accepted my 'trying to find out' here .

I used to tell myself I was probably less depressed than I thought. And I was probably right. Unfortunately that's jkt the only thing in the world that matters. I have other mental problems, probably some personality disorder and then also looking at the state of my life and body physically..

I'm suicidally not depressed honestly but I hate my guts. Maybe you relate I'm not sure.

 

[weedoge]

I can think of a few people on here that I don't think will ever kill themselves. They only come here for attention and or it's therapeutic for them.

Maybe so but who gives a fuck either way. Let them get on with it as long as they're not hurting anyone else.

I feel like I should mention despite all this I want to repeat that I don't have a real plan and I am not going to take my life. I could never do that to my loved ones despite the pain I'm in. This board really only exists for me as a kind of a escape, a role play where I am literally face to face with the idea of ending it all and you know what? It actually helps me. Am I the only one who has this mentality?

I think there are more people than I forst realised that aren't actively planning their deaths but I don't really see any issue for anyone being here if its all on topic, every little bit of reprieve people can get from this site is worthwhile.

 

[Miss clefable]

I can think of a few people on here that I don't think will ever kill themselves. They only come here for attention and or it's therapeutic for them.

Oh I'm sorry is there a rule I overlooked before joining this site

 

[weedoge]

Oh I'm sorry is there a rule I overlooked before joining this site

*soothe* Miss, he's not wrong even if it could be worded better. Remember it doesn't matter what somebody else thinks about your intentions, it's your choice only and in the end it will affect you the most.

 

[Dani Paradox]

I feel you. I do plan on ctb very, very soon, but this board gives me strength and courage to keep going.

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

I used to tell myself I was probably less depressed than I thought. And I was probably right. Unfortunately that's jkt the only thing in the world that matters. I have other mental problems, probably some personality disorder and then also looking at the state of my life and body physically..

I'm suicidally not depressed honestly but I hate my guts. Maybe you relate I'm not sure.

I put a lot of energy into hating myself.

You are catching me at an interesting turning point in life .

Suicidal trajectory due to stuff in my mind / emotions you probably relate to ... and over the last few months
it has shifted a bit .



I am of the opinion that all the personality disorder stuff is ok as far as it goes ... and all the concepts of mental problems ... all ok .... but 'i think they can marginalize us and we feel labled and side lined .

i think researching wide and far is helpful.

Our awareness of 'not right-ness' in ourselves is our mission .
Our unasked for bloody bilbo baggins fuckin ring thing .
Nazguls in the head
Sauron breathing down our neck ....

No-one has the 'whole truth ' on whats going on in our 'souls' , mind/ emotions .... it's almost as if our troubles are an invitation to focus on modeling that world for ourselves and then for others to share if we find something useful.

It may be helpful to start to read about classic psychology ( books about books are good ... historical reviews ...)

My fave and recent ( four years ago ) my guru ( ha ha ) Ernest /beckers 'Denial of Death ' ...it amazed me in its revealing of players in the past who I had never heard of , and their negative conclusions that I feel have been hushed up by the 'feel good' psych-candy crowd,
( edit to add .... it was an audio book ... and it became a kind of 'friend' in a strange way ... tmi , sorry )

One thing is that recognising and voicing the very worst attitude you can possibly have towards yourself is that you are now lumbered with a 'virtue' of honesty and integrity . Sucks , right ?

Sorry for being a smart arse .

I have no answers man , I'm just searching ... I think thats all anyone can do ... plus maybe ease up on the self hate 'cos its a bitch beating up on yourself.

 

[Dani Paradox]

Personality disorders are total bullshit. I am proudly a narcissistic sociopath. I have nearly every single disorder. For real.

 

[Miss clefable]

Personality disorders are total bullshit. I am proudly a narcissistic sociopath. I have nearly every single disorder. For real.

You sociopath don't me laugh

 

[Dani Paradox]

You sociopath don't me laugh

xD I technically am though

 

[Miss clefable]

xD I technically am though

How

 

[Dani Paradox]

How

I have the symptoms

 

[weedoge]

I put a lot of energy into hating myself.

You are catching me at an interesting turning point in life .

Suicidal trajectory due to stuff in my mind / emotions you probably relate to ... and over the last few months
it has shifted a bit .



I am of the opinion that all the personality disorder stuff is ok as far as it goes ... and all the concepts of mental problems ... all ok .... but 'i think they can marginalize us and we feel labled and side lined .

i think researching wide and far is helpful.

Our awareness of 'not right-ness' in ourselves is our mission .
Our unasked for bloody bilbo baggins fuckin ring thing .
Nazguls in the head
Sauron breathing down our neck ....

No-one has the 'whole truth ' on whats going on in our 'souls' , mind/ emotions .... it's almost as if our troubles are an invitation to focus on modeling that world for ourselves and then for others to share if we find something useful.

It may be helpful to start to read about classic psychology ( books about books are good ... historical reviews ...)

My fave and recent ( four years ago ) my guru ( ha ha ) Ernest /beckers 'Denial of Death ' ...it amazed me in its revealing of players in the past who I had never heard of , and their negative conclusions that I feel have been hushed up by the 'feel good' psych-candy crowd,


One thing is that recognising and voicing the very worst attitude you can possibly have towards yourself is that you are now lumbered with a 'virtue' of honesty and integrity . Sucks , right ?

Sorry for being a smart arse .

I have no answers man , I'm just searching ... I think thats all anyone can do ... plus maybe ease up on the self hate 'cos its a bitch beating up on yourself.

Unfortunately I don't plan to be here long enough to read such material and psychology kind of scares me nowadays but for sure I'm skeptical about medical practices after my experiences.

 

[weedoge]

Personality disorders are total bullshit. I am proudly a narcissistic sociopath. I have nearly every single disorder. For real.

Regardless of your opinion on quackery its a good label to understand the way I am in relation to society and humans as a whole.

 

[Miss clefable]

I have the symptoms

You have ever only shown me empathy and not just me

 

[weedoge]

so you're a narcissistic sociopath too?? You don't say

Nah just speaking on the labels of personality disorders and other mental disorders in general. Oh and thanks lol I've made mistakes but I've never actually attacked you so please don't.

 

[Dani Paradox]

You have ever only shown me empathy

I'm a paradox. I have more empathy than I know what to do with. Personality disorders are weird though. At other times I seemingly have no empathy at all and think nothing of it. Like, I am a very vulgar person a lot of the time, and if my behavior ever upsets anyone, I don't give a flying fuck...…..that's a lack of empathy...….

 

[Miss clefable]

I'm a paradox. I have more empathy than I know what to do with. Personality disorders are weird though. At other times I seemingly have no empathy at all and think nothing of it. Like, I am a very vulgar person a lot of the time, and if my behavior ever upsets anyone, I don't give a flying fuck...…..that's a lack of empathy...….

Bpd or mpd

 

[Dani Paradox]

Bpd or mpd

I definitely have BPD, without a doubt. I did hav mpd for years.... Girl mode and guy mode was a dissociative identity.... it was induced, though, and it went away.....

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

Unfortunately I don't plan to be here long enough to read such material and psychology kind of scares me nowadays but for sure I'm skeptical about medical practices after my experiences.

the first psych book i flicked through freaked me the fuck out .
i felt like a pinned specimen on a display .


(edit to add ... pedantically , the E Becker book I always spray about ...
was an audio book too ... I have read a bit but I'm an audio book advocate now )

skepticism is good
thats where I'm coming from .

we are all in the dark about a lot of stuff / everything.

 

[mattwitt]

Oh I'm sorry is there a rule I overlooked before joining this site

Just answering Noone's question