popcornheart
ππππππ πππππ ππππππππ
- Dec 22, 2021
- 16
Hey there, everyone.
As you can see, I've been around on the forms for a few years. I haven't really had much to say...this phenomenon persists for my offline life, as well. It didn't used to be this way, I used to be quite opinionated. It's uncomfortable to feel so hollow. I'm not sure if it is merely a response to medication, or, more likely, a result of finding very little joy in life.
I was here last year, pretty convinced that I was ready to CTB. Through a fortunate set of circumstances, I found a better job and eventually started to feel a bit better late 2023. Things weren't perfect, but I had some stability and felt a bit more like I belonged.
Well, I had another mental health episode (they occur like clockwork at the same time every year). My diagnosis is Bipolar I, and I have some reservations about that but for the sake of attempting brevity, I won't go into why I disagree. It doesn't really matter what it is called, I suppose, the fact is that around every April I experience psychosis and it lasts for about two months. I break my phone, throw out my wallet contents, and make an absolute mess of my house.
This most recent episode has been the worst so far. Not that it was much different than others, but because I was alone this time and I went unchecked for a while. I made a fool of myself in front of my neighbors and two of the last friends I really have. I don't have a way of contacting one of them, but the other friend has already stated that they need to pull back on their support.
I have some funds available to me soon, so, theoretically I'll be able to get my utilities back online at home and cover some expenses for a while...but trying to find a new job is exhausting. I'm also not sure how challenging it will be to get insurance on my car again. I was gone for about three months this time (intermittently, I was hospitalized three times) and lost nearly everything.
I don't have a reliable way to get my medication right now. I live in the USA in a state that plainly does not care about disabled individuals, especially those with mental health issues. I hate being on the medication, but I suppose there is really no other choice in trying to combat my yearly episode. I know that I could not have another instance of this happening.
CTB-ing is quite a common action amongst people with my diagnosis and I completely understand why. I can't just keep starting over every year. At this point, it truly feels like I have no other option.
For the last few weeks I have been staying with an old friend's family but all I have available to me to do is lay down and watch TV. I know I'm fortunate to even have that, but it's been three weeks of just laying. Intermittently sleeping and just waiting for the next day. I feel like I'm still in the hospital, but with even less food available to me.
Each time I am hospitalized, I feel like I lose more of my cognition. I was never exceptionally bright, but I did excel in school (college especially, but I'll never get my degree now; too many attempted credits to qualify for federal aid). Now, I feel like I know nothing. I know how screwed I am, that's for sure. I'm quite acquainted with bureaucracy and understand it is next to impossible to rectify my trajectory. If it weren't for the fact I had inherited a house, I would most definitely be on the street right now.
Speaking to that, inert gas seems a bit too complicated for me. I'm also insecure about being able to even source the gas to begin with...there is a supplier near me but I know that I wouldn't be able to convince them that I know what I'm talking about. As I discovered last year, I think CO is the most promising method for me. I'm not entirely sure how large my bathroom is, but I can likely get it to work. I'll be sure to order a meter.
I'm not entirely sure why I'm making this post. I guess I just wanted to get it all out somewhere. If you read this, thank you. If you want to chat, my PMs are open. You're free to comment here, as well, of course. It would be nice to have someone to chat with occasionally, as long as it's understood that I'm sort of a wet blanket these days.
I have to wait at least another week before I go home. I know a lot of other members have the opposite problem, but it's amusing/sad to me to know that once I go home, and if I CTB, it will probably be months, maybe even a year, before someone finds me. I should be thankful for that, but it also makes me a bit sad.
Thanks again for your time. I hope each and every one of you finds the peace you are seeking.
As you can see, I've been around on the forms for a few years. I haven't really had much to say...this phenomenon persists for my offline life, as well. It didn't used to be this way, I used to be quite opinionated. It's uncomfortable to feel so hollow. I'm not sure if it is merely a response to medication, or, more likely, a result of finding very little joy in life.
I was here last year, pretty convinced that I was ready to CTB. Through a fortunate set of circumstances, I found a better job and eventually started to feel a bit better late 2023. Things weren't perfect, but I had some stability and felt a bit more like I belonged.
Well, I had another mental health episode (they occur like clockwork at the same time every year). My diagnosis is Bipolar I, and I have some reservations about that but for the sake of attempting brevity, I won't go into why I disagree. It doesn't really matter what it is called, I suppose, the fact is that around every April I experience psychosis and it lasts for about two months. I break my phone, throw out my wallet contents, and make an absolute mess of my house.
This most recent episode has been the worst so far. Not that it was much different than others, but because I was alone this time and I went unchecked for a while. I made a fool of myself in front of my neighbors and two of the last friends I really have. I don't have a way of contacting one of them, but the other friend has already stated that they need to pull back on their support.
I have some funds available to me soon, so, theoretically I'll be able to get my utilities back online at home and cover some expenses for a while...but trying to find a new job is exhausting. I'm also not sure how challenging it will be to get insurance on my car again. I was gone for about three months this time (intermittently, I was hospitalized three times) and lost nearly everything.
I don't have a reliable way to get my medication right now. I live in the USA in a state that plainly does not care about disabled individuals, especially those with mental health issues. I hate being on the medication, but I suppose there is really no other choice in trying to combat my yearly episode. I know that I could not have another instance of this happening.
CTB-ing is quite a common action amongst people with my diagnosis and I completely understand why. I can't just keep starting over every year. At this point, it truly feels like I have no other option.
For the last few weeks I have been staying with an old friend's family but all I have available to me to do is lay down and watch TV. I know I'm fortunate to even have that, but it's been three weeks of just laying. Intermittently sleeping and just waiting for the next day. I feel like I'm still in the hospital, but with even less food available to me.
Each time I am hospitalized, I feel like I lose more of my cognition. I was never exceptionally bright, but I did excel in school (college especially, but I'll never get my degree now; too many attempted credits to qualify for federal aid). Now, I feel like I know nothing. I know how screwed I am, that's for sure. I'm quite acquainted with bureaucracy and understand it is next to impossible to rectify my trajectory. If it weren't for the fact I had inherited a house, I would most definitely be on the street right now.
Speaking to that, inert gas seems a bit too complicated for me. I'm also insecure about being able to even source the gas to begin with...there is a supplier near me but I know that I wouldn't be able to convince them that I know what I'm talking about. As I discovered last year, I think CO is the most promising method for me. I'm not entirely sure how large my bathroom is, but I can likely get it to work. I'll be sure to order a meter.
I'm not entirely sure why I'm making this post. I guess I just wanted to get it all out somewhere. If you read this, thank you. If you want to chat, my PMs are open. You're free to comment here, as well, of course. It would be nice to have someone to chat with occasionally, as long as it's understood that I'm sort of a wet blanket these days.
I have to wait at least another week before I go home. I know a lot of other members have the opposite problem, but it's amusing/sad to me to know that once I go home, and if I CTB, it will probably be months, maybe even a year, before someone finds me. I should be thankful for that, but it also makes me a bit sad.
Thanks again for your time. I hope each and every one of you finds the peace you are seeking.
