Something i figured out

[Kyrok]

I don't deserve to kill myself. Continuing to live is the punishment I deserve for not having killed myself decades ago.

The one way to redeem myself, to atone for my failure, is to make my life matter.

The problem is, I fucked that up too... multiple times.

So, what is left that I can do? How can I atone?

I must die in a way that kills my history too.

Suicide is not enough. It is a blip. What it is to kill myself, to kill my whole self? I must kill me ... all of me... not just the blip.

How do I do that?

 

[JazzyWolfWhistle]

You can't do that. You have to accept yourself and the little bit of good you can do now.

 

[Tyuiop]

Are you religious?
If so, why do you want to atone for not killing yourself?
I also sometimes think that my life is a punishment and I must endure that... But not for not killing myself, but for being unfaithful a large part of my life.

 

[RememberWhatUCameFor]

too melodramatic for my taste

 

[bigj75]

You have to understand there is a random element to life where you have no control over so being so hard on yourself is irrational.

 

[JazzyWolfWhistle]

But I feel irrational feelings too, so who am I to tell you how to feel. Lately I'm been obsessed with grenades, which I know I can't get, and fireworks. I want to die in bed by an exploding bomb but that probably won't happen I still want it bad though.

 

[bigj75]

But I feel irrational feelings too, so who am I to tell you how to feel. Lately I'm been obsessed with grenades, which I know I can't get, and fireworks. I want to die in bed by an exploding bomb but that probably won't happen I still want it bad though.

op can think how he wants to. All I'm saying is from my experience that harsh mindset he has on himself is not beneficial in my opinion. He sounds like he wants to torture himself first. Which from a rational perspective doesn't seem good. I'm not gonna support self mutilation. That's not what this forum is for.

 

[letmeseethedeath]

But I feel irrational feelings too, so who am I to tell you how to feel. Lately I'm been obsessed with grenades, which I know I can't get, and fireworks. I want to die in bed by an exploding bomb but that probably won't happen I still want it bad though.

that's my same thoughts. how i wish i could get a grenade. doing like a kamikaze, unfortunately that's only a dream

 

[JazzyWolfWhistle]

But we keep dreaming it don't we.

 

[Kyrok]

Are you religious?
If so, why do you want to atone for not killing yourself?
I also sometimes think that my life is a punishment and I must endure that... But not for not killing myself, but for being unfaithful a large part of my life.

I failed myself. I had many opportunities to end up in a better place, but screwed each one up: mostly by unmanaged anger. I screwed up my education, my most important relationships, my career, my reputation by losing control.

Most recently, about 9 months ago, I got angry in a very public way -- if I didn't, some remarkable doors would have opened. 99% of the time I work freaking hard and impress everyone around me. But I lash out when someone tries to belittle me and go way too far. The most recent will dog me until I'm dead.

 

[Jodes]

But I lash out when someone tries to belittle me and go way too far. The most recent will dog me until I'm dead.

I wish I'd stood up for myself. I just dissapear like that into my dark little hole, leaving EVERYONE like wtf where did he go until I'm pretty much long forgotten, I now actually realise I'm grateful for that

 

[Kyrok]

You have to understand there is a random element to life where you have no control over so being so hard on yourself is irrational.

Yes, but I blunder opportunities way too often. 9 months ago, I was on the cusp of a huge opportunity, but ruined my reputation getting angry at someone in public. It will be years before it is forgotten.

 

[Kyrok]

op can think how he wants to. All I'm saying is from my experience that harsh mindset he has on himself is not beneficial in my opinion. He sounds like he wants to torture himself first. Which from a rational perspective doesn't seem good. I'm not gonna support self mutilation. That's not what this forum is for.

I don't "want" to torture myself. But i can barely focus on anything else but the mistakes I've made. They just constantly intrude in my thoughts... to a point I often can't focus on even a tv show or conversation.

 

[bigj75]

I don't "want" to torture myself. But i can barely focus on anything else but the mistakes I've made. They just constantly intrude in my thoughts... to a point I often can't focus on even a tv show or conversation.

I feel the exact same way. It's such a huge distraction during my every day life. I want to ctb so I can make it stop.

 

[Kyrok]

I wish I'd stood up for myself. I just dissapear like that into my dark little hole, leaving EVERYONE like wtf where did he go until I'm pretty much long forgotten

Well, standing up for myself I do very well... too well. I end up alienating people because I challenge them very bluntly... even in business meetings or even more public ways.

Now and then when I let someone's bullshit slide, I'm furious with myself. But adversarial conversations can be exhausting.

 

[Jodes]

I don't "want" to torture myself. But i can barely focus on anything else but the mistakes I've made. They just constantly intrude in my thoughts... to a point I often can't focus on even a tv show or conversation.

My psych calls it reminiscing. Sounds positive

 

[JazzyWolfWhistle]

Kyrok, have you considered anger management courses? Maybe you could work find work in your field in a non public position, work a behind the scene job?

 

[Jodes]

My psych calls it reminiscing. Sounds positive

There are meds for it but takes time and money, and doesnt mean you can't do anything positive in the mean time. Am I arguing with myself? Lol

You *don't* "deserve" it

 

[Kyrok]

Kyrok, have you considered anger management courses? Maybe you could work find work in your field in a non public position, work a behind the scene job?

Even in a non-public position, I regularly snapped in meetings.
I suppose my reputation isn't too terrible given recruitment offers I get, but the offers I really want, those probably will never happen given the enemies I've made.

As for anger management, it seems too late. Tried therapy many times... always boring, cliche, morons.

 

[JazzyWolfWhistle]

Well, okay, don't take this the wrong way, but maybe you could try to follow the advice they give you in anger management even if you think it's stupid. With time it might start working for you and then you'd see anger management in a new light.

 

[wildisthewind]

Oh, Kyrok, reading this makes me feel for you. I too have emotional regulation issues, which tend to focus themselves around whichever woman I am involved with, and cost me both my marriage and subsequent relationship, which are what I'm grieving now when I consider ctb. I am told to not be excessively hard on myself, which I find almost impossible. I guess I should be passing along that sentiment to you. Stay strong, whatever that may be for you.

 

[Kyrok]

Oh, Kyrok, reading this makes me feel for you. I too have emotional regulation issues, which tend to focus themselves around whichever woman I am involved with, and cost me both my marriage and subsequent relationship, which are what I'm grieving now when I consider ctb. I am told to not be excessively hard on myself, which I find almost impossible. I guess I should be passing along that sentiment to you. Stay strong, whatever that may be for you.

Post-relationship guilt can be pretty extreme - I've gone through that.

I'm 8 months out to my contract deadline and just can't get any writing done. Burned out. Spent the day doing nothing other than a couple emails. I used to write 3000-4000 words most days.