Something hard to admit

[leandra]

recently my mom passed and a couple of months before that my gf broke up with me.
I don't know how to say this because each time i shared this with someone i was unable to get the understanding i was hoping for, especially in a family centered society. But with all honesty the pain of losing my gf was much more than that of losing my mom. Of course i did love my mom more than anything in this world. She was my role model, she made me the person i am today. But man my gf filled that void of loneliness that has always been there. She made me feel whole momentarily.
I am unable to get passed the break up, which i thought something i would never say. I mean people who take their own lives over loss of their partner certainly seemed like mad to me, but here i am in their shoes

 

[gothbird]

Grief doesn't come with a ranking system, no matter how much society pretends it does. People expect us to be wrecked over our parents and stoic over breakups—but loss doesn't follow rules. It follows impact. And it sounds like she was your tether in a way no one else was.

When someone fills the emptiness we've carried for years—even briefly—it creates a kind of illusion of being whole. And when that's taken away, the hole feels twice as big as it did before. You're not just mourning the relationship; you're mourning who you got to be when you were with her. Safe. Chosen. Not alone.

It doesn't mean you didn't love your mum. It doesn't make you shallow or ungrateful. It just means this particular loss hit where you were already cracked.

And yeah, people who end their lives over lost love aren't mad. They're devastated. Abandoned. Disoriented. That kind of grief scrambles your nervous system. It tells you nothing good will ever come again. And if you're already someone who's carried loneliness like a second skin? It can feel fatal.

You're allowed to feel what you feel. Just don't let anyone shame you for where the pain lands hardest.

 

[AnonymousL]

Hi Leandra

I just wanna say .. I'm sorry for your loss. The loss of your mother and the loss of your girlfriend.

I guess some people might find it strange.

But there's so much people find strange that are openly discussed here without judgement.

I hope you can fill that void again.

 

[BlueButterfly111]

I understand that, it makes sense, I get it. My boyfriend passed away almost 9 months ago and just like you said that your girlfriend filled that void of loneliness that you always had, my boyfriend did the same thing for me.

I don't have a close relationship with my mom anymore like you did, but she was the only person I had as a child. I don't think I would be grieving so much for her if she passed like I have with him, as messed up as that might sound. It makes sense though, because when you're in a relationship with someone, you're very close with that person in an intimate and personal way. So losing them and grieving over them is one of the hardest things.

Someone once said that losing your partner is one of the hardest losses because you are so close with that person, and I agree with that statement. I really relate to what you said thank you for sharing, you shouldn't feel bad it's understandable and I understand you. I also relate to what you said about how you used to think people taking their lives over relationships seemed mad. I never understood that until I met him and now I've lost him.

I'm so sorry for both of your losses by the way that is so tragic.

 

[ForsakenEcho]

Hey, first of all, I'm really sorry about your mom and your girlfriend.

From what I've been through, breakups can feel a lot like grief too.

And grief's never easy, it's not something you can just control or pick how to feel. Everyone goes through it in their own way.

I really hope you're able to get through this period, and just know that if you ever feel like talking, people here will always welcome you with open arms and no judgment.

 

[Michi_Violeta]

I've been there too, no judgement here and you're definitely not alone. I tried to explain it to my mother the other day so it would never cross her mind that I don't care about her: it's like the difference between getting money from your parents and earning your own paycheck.

One's an unconditional love that's always been there (for those of us lucky to have had good parents) all the time and will be there regardless of merit: I could've dropped out of highschool and done nothing with my life and my mother would still love me. The other is a type of love that feels like a reward, something that wasn't there and somehow you became worthy of it: it required effort, luck, someone to develop feelings for you.

And losing it...it can really destroy you. Particularly in certain circumstances, with certain history of trauma, and specially when you're going through what you're going.

It may not change reality, but please, be a bit kinder to yourself: don't judge the way you're feeling. You're not alone. And whether you decide to live or die you'll do it with a bit more dignity when you don't judge how you feel.

Grief doesn't come with a ranking system, no matter how much society pretends it does. People expect us to be wrecked over our parents and stoic over breakups—but loss doesn't follow rules. It follows impact. And it sounds like she was your tether in a way no one else was.

When someone fills the emptiness we've carried for years—even briefly—it creates a kind of illusion of being whole. And when that's taken away, the hole feels twice as big as it did before. You're not just mourning the relationship; you're mourning who you got to be when you were with her. Safe. Chosen. Not alone.

It doesn't mean you didn't love your mum. It doesn't make you shallow or ungrateful. It just means this particular loss hit where you were already cracked.

And yeah, people who end their lives over lost love aren't mad. They're devastated. Abandoned. Disoriented. That kind of grief scrambles your nervous system. It tells you nothing good will ever come again. And if you're already someone who's carried loneliness like a second skin? It can feel fatal.

You're allowed to feel what you feel. Just don't let anyone shame you for where the pain lands hardest.

I love your posts You just described my own thoughts and feelings better than I could've done it myself.