Venting Somehow improve life or continue self-sabotaging?

[Galatic_caty]

So... yeah. I am trying to ruin my life since i can't bring myself to cbt. Last time i almost managed to do it i had to throw all my documents and phone, but than later i thought to myself "Hey, i still have chance! Why not live for a while?" and got back home. I told my friends and family about it, they helped me to recover everything... but i didn't recover myself. I still have suicidal thoughts, my family is almost broke, friends... they're fine, but i can't stand them for some reason. I can't see bright future for myself, since im everywhere a failure... im just a broken person...
Today i have thrown away my plant which i grew several moths and deleted projects on which i was working and... i didn't feel anything. I just sat beside computer and continued playing games...
Maybe i should rather improve my life? I heard that people during recovering process from depression are at most risk of cbt. I will either be able to enjoy life or either finally find enough energy to overcome fear of... everything basically darkness, pain, being spotted during cbt, being hospitalized...
Of course if i will manage to find enough energy to improve my life in the first place...
What do you think about it?

 

[donsie]

So... yeah. I am trying to ruin my life since i can't bring myself to cbt. Last time i almost managed to do it i had to throw all my documents and phone, but than later i thought to myself "Hey, i still have chance! Why not live for a while?" and got back home. I told my friends and family about it, they helped me to recover everything... but i didn't recover myself. I still have suicidal thoughts, my family is almost broke, friends... they're fine, but i can't stand them for some reason. I can't see bright future for myself, since im everywhere a failure... im just a broken person...
Today i have thrown away my plant which i grew several moths and deleted projects on which i was working and... i didn't feel anything. I just sat beside computer and continued playing games...
Maybe i should rather improve my life? I heard that people during recovering process from depression are at most risk of cbt. I will either be able to enjoy life or either finally find enough energy to overcome fear of... everything basically darkness, pain, being spotted during cbt, being hospitalized...
Of course if i will manage to find enough energy to improve my life in the first place...
What do you think about it?

But what will you do when you ruin your life? I've currently been self sabotaging for some time now, I'm at the point where the sabotage will start really changing the quality of my life physically , yet there is still this part of me that knows I can shift and change things…. But I don't want to. This cycle of life is torture. We should be able to choose our bus times!

 

[Mirrory Me]

Why did you do that? Sometimes in my anger I have tried to destroy something I love so that I could hurt myself.

 

[ScubaCTB]

So... yeah. I am trying to ruin my life since i can't bring myself to cbt. Last time i almost managed to do it i had to throw all my documents and phone, but than later i thought to myself "Hey, i still have chance! Why not live for a while?" and got back home. I told my friends and family about it, they helped me to recover everything... but i didn't recover myself. I still have suicidal thoughts, my family is almost broke, friends... they're fine, but i can't stand them for some reason. I can't see bright future for myself, since im everywhere a failure... im just a broken person...
Today i have thrown away my plant which i grew several moths and deleted projects on which i was working and... i didn't feel anything. I just sat beside computer and continued playing games...
Maybe i should rather improve my life? I heard that people during recovering process from depression are at most risk of cbt. I will either be able to enjoy life or either finally find enough energy to overcome fear of... everything basically darkness, pain, being spotted during cbt, being hospitalized...
Of course if i will manage to find enough energy to improve my life in the first place...
What do you think about it?

The more important question is...what makes you happy? I should have CTB in the 1990s. Now in my 40s, lots of unnecessary torture and pain that I'll take with me when I CTB in a few weeks. I reconnected with a long lost girlfriend when I was on the verge of CTB in 2019. She motivated me to get my shapely, youthful body back within a couple months, expand my business, make more money in two years that I had in any other two years of my life, etc. I need love like that...want love like that to exist in this world. It was so perfect. Turns out she was married despite us traveling the world, practically living together, and just loving each other for about 26 months. I'm too old and too hurt to heal from that.

Is there anything you want in this world that is actually attainable? You should write down a list of "what makes me happy," then another list of "why I want to CTB." If the first list outweighs the second list, then figure it out. You sound young. But I also know and respect the fact that this world is f****d and the future is not bright. But if you're young, that's enough to at least try, again, if the first list outweighs the second list.