Some thoughts upon an ethically (self-)acceptable death

[ctrl_alt_delete]

Once, long long ago, I was seven years old. There I sat, staring at the rain, from the back of my mother's. [adoptive mother's] pale silver sports car, parked close to the central intersection of the highways in the miserably cold and bleak northern e(E)uropean city that I suppose I am required to identify with solely predicated upon an accident of birth in a universe as big and diverse and interesting as this one.

Yes, well; so it goes.

So I recall stopping watching the rain falling into streams and collecting together as they flow without meaning or purpose down the back passenger window of a very cheap and ridiculous car that conspired, like all my 'family' to appear far more powerful and impressive than it actually was. It was, though, and still remains, one of my favourite pastimes, watching the rain fall and collect upon glass. It reminds me of determinism, in that although I cannot hope to predict the arrival and movements of individual droplets of water, nevertheless the influences of the constants that we have as yet discovered and quantified, the 'rain' will act in the way that it was always going to behave, given these specific circumstances.

So it goes.

Anyway.

Anyway, I turned to the other occupant of the driving machine, my cousin Michaela, who had just turned eight. She was studiously looking out of the other window in that awful silence that children can build for one another when there is no way to start to begin to describe just how horrible life can be and you hope that at least this other person might understand but at the same time you hope that they just laugh at you and tell you that they don't understand what you're talking about because then, well, that's all good - they don't know - yes - they are still a child just like you were a few days ago. That would have been okay I guess. I don't know, maybe I am projecting. That has a very high probability of possibility.

Anyway.

What definitely happened was I looked at Michaela, and I felt like we really saw each other, and in that one moment I asked her the most important question I have ever asked anyone, ever.

I'd like to say she asked me something, but actually she just looked at me with that look, with those eyes.

So I had no choice but to ask the question.

"Does it get any better when you're eight?" (She'd had her birthday a few days earlier)

"It's..."

""

"...just the same."

And she turned away to look at the rain pouring down her window; as did I, from mine.

I think something died inside me at that moment. My first attempt occurred just after turning 12.

* * *

 

[Made4TV]

Beautifully written.

 

[ctrl_alt_delete]

Beautifully written.

Thank you. I was just trying to work out how to delete it.

 

[Made4TV]

You could report it to a mod but personally I hope you leave it.

 

[onegoodreason]

Oh, please leave it up, ctr_alt_delete! I agree with Made4TV that your post is beautifully written. That is exactly the sort of thing I meant when I suggested starting a thread of your own in these last days/weeks/months of yours. I'd like to do the same, but will hold off a little longer till I'm not quite so new here. I've got lots to share, if anyone's interested, of course, but it would be good just for me to get it all out and down somewhere. Like what you're doing. Please, more!!

 

[ctrl_alt_delete]

Oh, please leave it up, ctr_alt_delete! I agree with Made4TV that your post is beautifully written. That is exactly the sort of thing I meant when I suggested starting a thread of your own in these last days/weeks/months of yours. I'd like to do the same, but will hold off a little longer till I'm not quite so new here. I've got lots to share, if anyone's interested, of course, but it would be good just for me to get it all out and down somewhere. Like what you're doing. Please, more!!

Okay, okay, I am not completely insusceptible to flattery! But I will demand stories in return...

 

[onegoodreason]

Excellent, and no problem-o! You want stories, OMG, where do I start?!?!?!? ;-) No the question is more, when can I start? Will have to play that one by ear. I keep running out of time during the course of the day/evening, it seems. Will do my best for you, though.

 

[JJ-NOHOPE]

Very beautifully written.
I was just sitting here crying in my blood stained sheets (from self harm), thinking "does it ever get any better?"
Even though I know the answer.

Have my N, but I suppose I am inherently a coward. My one constant, defining trait.

 

[onegoodreason]

ctr_alt_delete, I got your last posting to this thread, at least it looked like that's where it came from, of more of your story, but I'm not seeing it here. I received it yesterday. It was about how your mum would lock you in the cellar. I hope you didn't delete it for some reason. It was a very moving piece, well written and, I feel, needs to be shared with others. I'm sure more than a few here can relate to your experience. I'm going to keep it for now in case you want to put it back up, I could do that for you.

Goodness, my Friend, you lived through an excruciating nightmare in your childhood. I can't imagine the terror and pain you experienced. I don't understand how a parent can hurt their child so, so badly in so many ways. Ignorance of what they're doing is one thing, but purposely causing harm, that I just don't get. I do kind of understand lashing out in a fit of rage, that happened in our house. I think my oldest sister got the worst of it from some of the stories she's told me (I don't really remember any of that, too young), but I got some, too. The spankings, sometimes with a hairbrush, no belts that I can remember, a slap in the face that sent me flying across the room once by my dad when I was a teenager, the repetitive slapping on me once by my mom that seemed to come out of nowhere. They just got crazed sometimes and we were handy targets. But it wasn't an every day thing by any means. Did your mum often do those things to you and your siblings? Whoa. Dearheart, I'm so sorry for the suffering you endured, truly. No one, no child deserves that kind of abuse, even if it wasn't all your mum's fault. Something made her angry and she lashed out at you and your siblings. Is that how it happened? That I get. What is your understanding about that period, if I may ask? You're not laying all the blame at your mum's feet, so what was it? I just want to understand.

How are you doing these days? Are you getting through okay? Or are you up and down as you go through these experiences from the past bit by bit? I hope you're okay, but understand if not. May I suggest just taking a day or part of a day and just relax, zone out, don't think about much. Listen to your favorite music, read something you've been putting off, make some fragrant tea or other beverage and just chill. Don't go to the dark places, go to the Light, either in your head, or out your door, and savor it, drink it in, let it fill you up and then you can sip on it from time to time as you need to. Just a thought that might help. :-)

Be well, Dearheart! :-) Peace.

 

[ctrl_alt_delete]

ctr_alt_delete, I got your last posting to this thread, at least it looked like that's where it came from, of more of your story, but I'm not seeing it here. I received it yesterday. It was about how your mum would lock you in the cellar. I hope you didn't delete it for some reason. It was a very moving piece, well written and, I feel, needs to be shared with others. I'm sure more than a few here can relate to your experience. I'm going to keep it for now in case you want to put it back up, I could do that for you.

Goodness, my Friend, you lived through an excruciating nightmare in your childhood. I can't imagine the terror and pain you experienced. I don't understand how a parent can hurt their child so, so badly in so many ways. Ignorance of what they're doing is one thing, but purposely causing harm, that I just don't get. I do kind of understand lashing out in a fit of rage, that happened in our house. I think my oldest sister got the worst of it from some of the stories she's told me (I don't really remember any of that, too young), but I got some, too. The spankings, sometimes with a hairbrush, no belts that I can remember, a slap in the face that sent me flying across the room once by my dad when I was a teenager, the repetitive slapping on me once by my mom that seemed to come out of nowhere. They just got crazed sometimes and we were handy targets. But it wasn't an every day thing by any means. Did your mum often do those things to you and your siblings? Whoa. Dearheart, I'm so sorry for the suffering you endured, truly. No one, no child deserves that kind of abuse, even if it wasn't all your mum's fault. Something made her angry and she lashed out at you and your siblings. Is that how it happened? That I get. What is your understanding about that period, if I may ask? You're not laying all the blame at your mum's feet, so what was it? I just want to understand.

How are you doing these days? Are you getting through okay? Or are you up and down as you go through these experiences from the past bit by bit? I hope you're okay, but understand if not. May I suggest just taking a day or part of a day and just relax, zone out, don't think about much. Listen to your favorite music, read something you've been putting off, make some fragrant tea or other beverage and just chill. Don't go to the dark places, go to the Light, either in your head, or out your door, and savor it, drink it in, let it fill you up and then you can sip on it from time to time as you need to. Just a thought that might help. :-)

Be well, Dearheart! :-) Peace.

Hi @onegoodreason you sweetlove, I'm good, and I hope you are well too. My emotional state is one of sad-calm and detachment. I want to use this thread to describe my journey to where I am today, but, at the same time, I don't want to turn it into an "omg look how i've suffered look at me poor little me" pity-fest; which is why I took it down: one of the most horrifying discoveries of my life was how little I have suffered compared to so many millions upon millions of others. And no, I don't blame my mother at all, as I will get to, I hope. She is far more the victim than we were, and now that I understand this, I find that I love her and forgive her... unconditionally. It was a horrible segment of our lives and it's only purpose in being described here was to provide context to what comes later. If you still have the piece I would like to put it back up for the sake of a complete record. Thank you for your lovely heartfelt advice - I am taking all the time I can for myself, to get my heart and mind in the right place, so I can leave without bitterness, sourness, anger, hate or regret. Please accept my wishes for all good things for you!



P.S. I love your avatar! Where is it from?

 

[onegoodreason]

Here it is, Dearheart! More later.
*******************
(one)

I am screaming. My mother is screaming. My sister and brother are screaming. I scream. You scream. We all scream for ice cream. She is kicking my sister in the stomach, she is punching my brother in the face, she is, she is, she is dragging me by my hair, physically dragging me, down the long cold central corridor of this damp weird old house in the damp, weird, old north, and I am screaming , no mummy no mummy no mummy no mummy and I can't see my brother and sister any more and I don't care about them anyway I just don't want to go to the place, please mummy I'm sorry please not there please, but we're here, yes, here we are, at the door, the actual door and the key is turning and it's so fucking dark and the cold and dark swoop out of the cold dark place and grab me whole and fill my mouth and throat with silence and pull me into the cold black damp black cold black dark stone cellar and the door locks and I can't I just can't.

And I cling to the tiny sliver of light that comes under the cellar door because if I don't the thing in the cellar, the dark, is going to consume me, just like it did when I was seven. And I cling to this mast made of the reflection of light on the brass retaining rod that holds the last edge of the house carpet in place, just on the other side of the door, in the universe next door.

And I cling to it for a long time. There is a light switch just above me. Not once do I ever dare even reach for it, or move from were the dark has placed me on this step, in such a place as this.

* * *

The years between 7 and 12 were the worst of our lives. Even trying to go back there, to bring this back, and put this down has been indescribably horrible. And, as I will come to explain, it wasn't my mum's fault at all really.

 

[onegoodreason]

Hi @onegoodreason you sweetlove, I'm good, and I hope you are well too. My emotional state is one of sad-calm and detachment. I want to use this thread to describe my journey to where I am today, but, at the same time, I don't want to turn it into an "omg look how i've suffered look at me poor little me" pity-fest; which is why I took it down: one of the most horrifying discoveries of my life was how little I have suffered compared to so many millions upon millions of others. And no, I don't blame my mother at all, as I will get to, I hope. She is far more the victim than we were, and now that I understand this, I find that I love her and forgive her... unconditionally. It was a horrible segment of our lives and it's only purpose in being described here was to provide context to what comes later. If you still have the piece I would like to put it back up for the sake of a complete record. Thank you for your lovely heartfelt advice - I am taking all the time I can for myself, to get my heart and mind in the right place, so I can leave without bitterness, sourness, anger, hate or regret. Please accept my wishes for all good things for you!



P.S. I love your avatar! Where is it from?

Hi Dearheart, I'm so glad that you're taking time for yourself as you are. I admire that you are doing that. I will try to do that as well. I think it would be best to leave here without hatred and anger, especially. Don't want to be an angry ghost when all I want is to look after my baby with Love through his transition. Not quite sure how I'm going to do that, though, living here with husband who hates me but is keeping me around to be a chauffeur after we sell the house and move to Missouri (that's what he's thinking, anyway - you and I know better ;-)). Can you say more about the process you are going through to release all those emotions? Are you meditating, journaling (more than what you're writing here), organizing photos and/or memorabilia, that sort of thing? Are you seeing any sort of therapist to work it out? Would you think that would be helpful in any way at this point?

Sweet, I can't help but feel for you and what you went through. Sympathy, empathy and the strong desire to just give you a Big Hug and hold you for comfort. I don't really go to "oh poor you", so no worries there. OK? :-) I'm very much looking forward to more of your story, however. Whenever you feel you can is good. I can only imagine how difficult it is to write it out, I can pretty much feel it when I read your words, how you write them. e.g., "I scream. You scream. We all scream for ice cream." Yeah, that gets me in the gut. And your description of the "cold dark..." Gives me the shivers. You have a talent, you know, with the written word, a way of conveying a feeling, a mood that is extraordinary. Not many people can do what you can. Did you ever try writing a book of any sort? I'll bet it would have been something, if you had. :-)

I'm glad you were able to forgive you mom so completely! That's really something, believe me. Realizing it wasn't her fault is a huge deal, you know. That's not easy to come to. Because of you, I'm starting to see some of my mom's behaviors in a new light as well. Perhaps I can come to the same place you have before I go. I still have anger towards her for all the crap she put me through (very different from yours, though). And though I told my dad I forgave him, too, for molesting me, I'm still not sure I've completely let it go - I think so, but possibly not. How do we know for sure if we have, can you say? What does it feel like? I think I'm pretty much well shut down these days, a survival tactic, so I don't feel too much anymore, kind of indifferent to most things now. Just the anger and sadness hang about. Ah well...(sigh)

lol My avatar I think I found on a free avatar website I think over a year ago now, I can't remember for sure anymore. It was for another suicide forum, can't remember which one. I liked it because it reflects the sadness and melancholy I feel while still having beauty. She's an elf, too, which I Love.

I'm thinking of posting a pic of myself on the photo thread in Off Topic. I have a print of the doll I made of myself in the 90s, a self-portrait sculpture and I'll take a photo of that on my phone and then go through the figuring out process of uploading it to my computer (ugh, roll eyes), and then post it. It's pretty close to what I look like, not perfectly exact, but close enough. I'm just a little leery of publishing an actual photo of myself, but this I think would do nicely. It probably doesn't matter that much if I post a real photo, but for now, the doll will work. Will think on it some more. Would you put your photo up, do you think? I know I'd Love to put your face to your words. I keep seeing your avatar when I think of you, but that's not you, of course. What is that actress's name, I can't get it to come into my brain, but as soon as I see it, I'll remember.

Well, I think that's all for tonight, Dearheart. Be well and I look forward to hearing from you again soon. Peace! :-D

 

[onegoodreason]

Hi @onegoodreason you sweetlove, I'm good, and I hope you are well too. My emotional state is one of sad-calm and detachment. I want to use this thread to describe my journey to where I am today, but, at the same time, I don't want to turn it into an "omg look how i've suffered look at me poor little me" pity-fest; which is why I took it down: one of the most horrifying discoveries of my life was how little I have suffered compared to so many millions upon millions of others. And no, I don't blame my mother at all, as I will get to, I hope. She is far more the victim than we were, and now that I understand this, I find that I love her and forgive her... unconditionally. It was a horrible segment of our lives and it's only purpose in being described here was to provide context to what comes later. If you still have the piece I would like to put it back up for the sake of a complete record. Thank you for your lovely heartfelt advice - I am taking all the time I can for myself, to get my heart and mind in the right place, so I can leave without bitterness, sourness, anger, hate or regret. Please accept my wishes for all good things for you!



P.S. I love your avatar! Where is it from?

One other thing, Dearheart. We really can't, in fairness to ourselves and others, compare our experiences and weigh them against others' experiences. You know what I mean. Yes? To say that so many millions of others have suffered far more than you takes away from your own pain, makes it less somehow, and that's just not true. What you went through, what each of us has gone through to get where we are now is just as valid, significant and impactful in its own right. I know you know this, being the intelligent woman you are! :-) So, though you don't want to feel "oh poor me", or others to feel it for you, it really is okay to feel it, just maybe don't wallow in it for too long. Yes? OK, 'nuff said!

Much Love to you, Dearheart! :-D Peace.

 

[ctrl_alt_delete]

One other thing, Dearheart. We really can't, in fairness to ourselves and others, compare our experiences and weigh them against others' experiences. You know what I mean. Yes? To say that so many millions of others have suffered far more than you takes away from your own pain, makes it less somehow, and that's just not true. What you went through, what each of us has gone through to get where we are now is just as valid, significant and impactful in its own right. I know you know this, being the intelligent woman you are! :-) So, though you don't want to feel "oh poor me", or others to feel it for you, it really is okay to feel it, just maybe don't wallow in it for too long. Yes? OK, 'nuff said!

Much Love to you, Dearheart! :-D Peace.

Thank you for your beautiful thoughts and words, Sweetlove! You have truly touched me. I will respond more completely in a bit. For now, this is how your words have made me feel...

 

[onegoodreason]

<3 <3 <3!!!

Who is that sweet little furbaby??!?!? How adorable! Glad I was able to bring you a smile and warm-fuzzies!

 

[ctrl_alt_delete]

<3 <3 <3!!!

Who is that sweet little furbaby??!?!? How adorable! Glad I was able to bring you a smile and warm-fuzzies!

Just an image of beauty I found on the internet to reflect how I felt, but was as yet unable to put into words. My words write themselves, you see. All I do is go back and correct the spelling!

 

[color_me_gone]

OMG, ctrl_alt_delete, your writing is INCREDIBLE!
Very gripping and so descriptive, I felt like I was living the scene!
I concur with everything Phyllis said, I could not put into better words.
I am so glad Phyllis saved the second part. It was so good.

While my problems didn't occur at home, I can still relate to the pain.
But really, like Phyllis, I would like for you to continue. I so much hope you will.
Hugs to you! Jerry

 

[ctrl_alt_delete]

OMG, ctrl_alt_delete, your writing is INCREDIBLE!
Very gripping and so descriptive, I felt like I was living the scene!
I concur with everything Phyllis said, I could not put into better words.
I am so glad Phyllis saved the second part. It was so good.

While my problems didn't occur at home, I can still relate to the pain.
But really, like Phyllis, I would like for you to continue. I so much hope you will.
Hugs to you! Jerry

Thank you.

Blushes deeply.

I will try to get the whole thing finished before I go.

 

[color_me_gone]

I will try to get the whole thing finished before I go.

Thank you, you really should write professionally, but I know how that ctb thing goes.
But if you should ever change your mind, I would give writing serious consideration!

 

[onegoodreason]

Just an image of beauty I found on the internet to reflect how I felt, but was as yet unable to put into words. My words write themselves, you see. All I do is go back and correct the spelling!

So your writing is like stream of consciousness style. Yes? I find that amazing and fascinating! There have been times when the words just flow for me, too, and my best writing is done that way, I think. But most of the time, I'm very analyzing as I write, to find just the right word to express what I'm trying to say, what I feel. It's getting a little trickier these days as I get older and I have to search my mind for the word I want - very frustrating, that. Happens when I'm talking, too, sometimes. Eeks! or Oh! See what I mean?

Dearheart, I'm just glad you're going to write more because I really look forward to reading and taking in your words! Whenever you're ready...! Jerry is a sweetheart, too! Yes? Positive and encouraging through it all. Here's to you, Jerry!

And that precious kitty! Whoever he/she is, was just Lovely! Thank you for sharing the warm-fuzzies with us in that pic! ^-^ Love it! :-D

 

[ctrl_alt_delete]

So your writing is like stream of consciousness style.

Jerry is a sweetheart, too! Yes?

Thank you both for your wonderful words of encouragement. You are both such sweethearts.

I found reading Virginia Woolf and Angela Carter really helped me let go of formal and analytical writing processes. Just, let the impressions flow through you. If you can't find the right word you can always make one up. They're all made-up words after all...

 

[color_me_gone]

Jerry is a sweetheart

Awww shucks, blush!
The writing is fantastic! Sad to see it does not have more commenters, they are really missing something here.
We we can at least help by visiting, commenting, and bumping this thread to the top of the heap occasionally.
And yes, I do try to maintain a positive attitude, it help others and me as well.
Hugs to all!!

 

[onegoodreason]

Thank you both for your wonderful words of encouragement. You are both such sweethearts.

I found reading Virginia Woolf and Angela Carter really helped me let go of formal and analytical writing processes. Just, let the impressions flow through you. If you can't find the right word you can always make one up. They're all made-up words after all...

Yes!! Making up words! I have done that! Lunner (lunch/dinner) or lupper (lunch/supper), shehe or heshe (obvious), herim (her/him) or himmer (him/her), frell, I can't remember some of the others right now!? Duh!! The pronouns were for reflecting how we are all One but differentiating the sex a little depending on which is more physically dominant. And no, I didn't make up "frell" - that is from the science fiction series "Farscape" (Love that show!) (freck/hell) I would guess is the combo. I agree, all words are made up, by someone at some point and new words are added to the dictionary every year. I should look to see if frell is in there yet! ;-) Just checked - nope, not yet.

Amazingly, I've never read Virginia Woolf, and I don't know Angela Carter. Could you recommend something specific that would be good representations of what you refer to above? That would be very helpful! I did see "The Hours" movie with Nicole Kidman playing Virginia Woolf, and as of now, I only remember bits of it - need to see it again. But that was more about her life more than her writing, if I remember it right.

And you are most welcome, Dearheart! Your writing deserves the encouragement and support! It is just wonderful as far as style and impact go, the story it tells, is so sad, though. But I agree with Jerry Sweet, to get the thread up on the board so others will be encouraged to read it as well. I wondered how we could do that, because I feel quite strongly that many here need to read it and could relate to your words. You up for some notoriety, Dearheart? If not, we'll lay low on this, but I really think others should read it.

Peace! :-D

 

[ctrl_alt_delete]

"The Bloody Chamber & Other Stories" is Angela Carter's most famous short story collection.
"Monday or Tuesday" is a great short story introduction to Virginia Woolf.

My favourite long reads by both are:
"Nights at the Circus" by Angela Carter
"Orlando" by Virginia Woolf

As far as notoriety is concerned, I don't really mind or care. It's going to sound really narcissistic for me to say that I know that I have some writing talent. I won the English and History prizes four years running at my prep school, and I just sort of always knew that I would write. However, I have also known that I would auto-euthanise. I have never had the desire to get anything published because I have no intention of sharing my talent. Similarly, after my first suicide attempt at age 12, following several horrible years after getting raped at 7, I stopped making any effort at school. I refuse to 'make anything' of my life.

The withdrawal of my labour, that is to say, the exercise of such talents as I may have, for the possible benefit of the species to which I belong, has been a lifelong decision, just like the one to never speak to my parents again once I had run away from home at 17. I threw away all of my diaries, journals, notes and poems three years ago, and entirely without regret.

I am only willing to share my words with people here, and I think I'd rather they stumble upon them, like some odd glade in a wood that they can never find again, than dress my words in costumes and force them to dance on the village green to the general delight.

I hope I haven't sounded rude or off-putting, I have no wish to be hurtful.

Time for a cigarette. Loving-kindness, wisdom and integrity to you dear Sweetlove. <3 <3 <3

 

[onegoodreason]

"The Bloody Chamber & Other Stories" is Angela Carter's most famous short story collection.
"Monday or Tuesday" is a great short story introduction to Virginia Woolf.

My favourite long reads by both are:
"Nights at the Circus" by Angela Carter
"Orlando" by Virginia Woolf

As far as notoriety is concerned, I don't really mind or care. It's going to sound really narcissistic for me to say that I know that I have some writing talent. I won the English and History prizes four years running at my prep school, and I just sort of always knew that I would write. However, I have also known that I would auto-euthanise. I have never had the desire to get anything published because I have no intention of sharing my talent. Similarly, after my first suicide attempt at age 12, following several horrible years after getting raped at 7, I stopped making any effort at school. I refuse to 'make anything' of my life.

The withdrawal of my labour, that is to say, the exercise of such talents as I may have, for the possible benefit of the species to which I belong, has been a lifelong decision, just like the one to never speak to my parents again once I had run away from home at 17. I threw away all of my diaries, journals, notes and poems three years ago, and entirely without regret.

I am only willing to share my words with people here, and I think I'd rather they stumble upon them, like some odd glade in a wood that they can never find again, than dress my words in costumes and force them to dance on the village green to the general delight.

I hope I haven't sounded rude or off-putting, I have no wish to be hurtful.

Time for a cigarette. Loving-kindness, wisdom and integrity to you dear Sweetlove. <3 <3 <3

Thank you so much for the reading suggestions, Dearheart! I do appreciate that and will endeavor to find all of those soon.

It's not narcissistic to acknowledge your own talents, I believe. You call it as you see it. I have talent in various artistic mediums, just not good enough to do much with, is the problem I've had with them. However, when I discovered sculpting, I felt I'd found my best talent. And I'm proud to say so, too! So you can say you are aware of your writing talent and be totally cool with it, Dearheart! I think it's terrific! :-D And that you chose not to do anything with it is fine, too.

Oy, darling, what you've been through, I can't even express how that makes me feel, other than enraged!?

Don't worry about being rude or off-putting. You say whatever you need to say, I understand. I just wish it wasn't so because your writing is just so, so good! I will, of course, abide by your decision and not push anyone to your writings, let them stumble upon them, as you said. But, oh, I have to say that throwing away all your writings is painful to me, knowing now what it is. I get that you're totally okay with it, but oh my, what was lost in that purge!? It saddens me even more for you, Sweet. Having journals, notebooks of poems, etc. of my own from sooo many years ago now, that at this moment in time, I still couldn't bring myself to toss them away. I had thought back when I wrote that stuff that I might use it in some future story(ies), but well, hey, that never happened, now did it?! (roll eyes) Maybe it would be easier now to let them all go. Will think on that a bit. Course getting to most of it would be a trick as they're all packed up in boxes in the garage and nearly impossible to get to. Husband will have a field day with those if he ever cares to read any of it. Yeah, right!?!?

OK, I'm done for now, making waaay too many typos, tired!? Goodnight, all. Peace! :-D

 

[JustAboutDone]

Thank you, you really should write professionally, but I know how that ctb thing goes.
But if you should ever change your mind, I would give writing serious consideration!

Seconded. @ctrl_alt_delete your writing totally moves me; it's beautiful, honest and compelling. Sending you so much love

 

[lost_soul83]

Oh, please leave it up, ctr_alt_delete! I agree with Made4TV that your post is beautifully written. That is exactly the sort of thing I meant when I suggested starting a thread of your own in these last days/weeks/months of yours. I'd like to do the same, but will hold off a little longer till I'm not quite so new here. I've got lots to share, if anyone's interested, of course, but it would be good just for me to get it all out and down somewhere. Like what you're doing. Please, more!!

Agreed. Maybe if more of us shared what brought us to feel like ctb is the only way out, maybe it wouldn't change our minds but at least we wouldn't feel so alone.

 

[ctrl_alt_delete]

(two)

I haven't cried in months. Thinking about it, I'm not sure if I cried at all throughout the whole of 2018. It's not that I feel dead inside - quite the opposite - I feel permanently just about on the verge of tears, and yet, no matter the awfulness and horror of the saddest stories, or the feelz of the loveliest, the tears refuse to come.

Sometimes i wish there were sound-proof cubicles, like lavatories, but sound-proof where a person could just go and have a bit of a scream. I feel like a dam with rising waters behind it. I've heard the engineers' reports - if a sufficient mass of water builds up, then unfortunately this particular dam, which was so poorly built by unknown sub-contractors with zero oversight, will break... and the thought fills me with a wonderful sense of relief, because, these days, I identify with the river, not the dam.

 

[onegoodreason]

You had mentioned you were feeling a sad-calm. Perhaps that is why the tears won't come even as you feel them building behind your "dam". If the dam breaks, oh my Dear, let it, and let the waters come rushing forth with all the force and power they can muster. Let it loose, don't worry about anything else, no point to that. Let it all go till there's nothing left but relief from the pressure. One good monster cleansing before you set yourself free. I think that's a tremendously wonderful thing! Wishing you all the very best in every moment, Dearheart! :-D

I get the screaming thing, too. I've let loose a few times in the house, when husband is out, of course. Scream at the top of my lungs, the kitties get a bit tense when I do that. I just get so angry sometimes. I've wondered if the neighbors can hear, but so what? No one has ever asked if is all is well, so it doesn't matter. With no sound-proof cubicle handy, get the proverbial pillow, take a nice big deep breath and scream into that. That's all I got. Peace.

 

[ctrl_alt_delete]

You had mentioned you were feeling a sad-calm. Perhaps that is why the tears won't come even as you feel them building behind your "dam". If the dam breaks, oh my Dear, let it, and let the waters come rushing forth with all the force and power they can muster. Let it loose, don't worry about anything else, no point to that. Let it all go till there's nothing left but relief from the pressure. One good monster cleansing before you set yourself free. I think that's a tremendously wonderful thing! Wishing you all the very best in every moment, Dearheart! :-D

I get the screaming thing, too. I've let loose a few times in the house, when husband is out, of course. Scream at the top of my lungs, the kitties get a bit tense when I do that. I just get so angry sometimes. I've wondered if the neighbors can hear, but so what? No one has ever asked if is all is well, so it doesn't matter. With no sound-proof cubicle handy, get the proverbial pillow, take a nice big deep breath and scream into that. That's all I got. Peace.

Bless your lovely reply <3 x