Some things I've been noticing about myself near (hopefully) the end of my life...

[lighthousekeeper]

I'm planning on CTB by hanging in the next couple weeks, I've failed at it before but I don't have any other options and it really needs be done soon. Nearing CTB I've noticed parts of myself:
-I've minded number meanings & "angel numbers" since I became aware of them, I tend to mind coincidence in general, & more & more of them are leaning towards supporting my decision. Most people look for a sign that they shouldn't do it, i look for signs in general & they all support CTB. My life feels like the end of Mulholland Drive, all light is transparent enough that it ends up emphasizing the darkness.
-I seem to be grieving myself? I know now that my death is inevitable, after my first failed attempt I knew for certain that that was it, I was dead, and from then on I lived a kind of half-life, I think about death all the time, I constant try to make myself more comfortable with death. Though for a couple years now I've been attempting to familiarize myself with the image of death, seeing crime scenes, pictures of funerals, etc, seeing death still produces a visceral fright & sadness, which I'm not sure is possible to remedy. Death is a strong position in the human world and I have to accept such a position & its inevitability.

 

[littlecorporal]

Death is as much a part of life as birth is really. How comfortable can we be with death? We have it's inevitability ticking away in our minds in some corner we do not visit very often but it sounds as though you are visiting it and staying there a lot of times now. We have a lot of images of death fed to us in ways that dress it up. It is a lonely thing, something stark and uncompromising which we enter into not knowing this darkness.