Some things about me and some venting

[Kimlett]

Hi everyone. I'll just like to introduce myself and tell some things about me. I'm almost 30, I have major depressive disorder, I am fat and I currently don't have a job. I do have a loving family, some friends and a partner. And I've been in a very dark depressive episode during the last 2 years. I really do want to stop living, I hate life, I think it's not worth it, but I can't ctb because I can't stand the idea of hurting my family. However it makes me sick to think that I have to keep living for at least 40 years or more.

I don't want to work, the idea of coming back to work makes me feel goosebumps. I hate my fat body but I can't lose weight because I'm addicted to food. I don't have energy these days to do anything, I just want to stay in bed. I'm so tired. I am going to therapy and my therapist is nice but it seems impossible to get out of this darkness, it's relapse after relapse. I've tried some medications (ssri and snri) with a psichiatrist but they did nothing. Only benzos help me calm down when I'm having a breakdown.

If I make a mental effort i can see for an instant that my life is ok, but it doesn't last and these huge waves of deep sadness just keep coming. Everything is so sad, empty and dissapointing. Everything hurts. It's a new year and I just don't want to live one more year, not even one day. But I have to, and I would like to make my life more bearable somehow. Thanks for reading.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

I'm sorry life has been unkind to you, it really requires an herculean effort to keep on living when we are going through relapse after relapse. That's not easy to deal with.

Does your psychologist or your psychiatrist know that you're having ctb thoughts?
It's very good that you're being seen by them, especially if you feel the therapist is nice, that is very important in therapy, to have that connection.

I don't know how you can get out of that darkness but your situation makes me think that maybe you're lacking a purpose in life. A reason to get out of bed every day, a long term goal. Being out of a job, not liking how we look and feel, can be a very isolating experience. A job gives purpose to the week days, to the weekend, is full of small little goals to fulfill that can make you feel productive.

Is your mental state the reason why you don't have a job?
You don't need to go have a job right now, it may not be the right time, I just thought I should share some thoughts around having a job. I'm also not working currently.

 

[Labyrinth]

Yes

 

[Kimlett]

I'm sorry life has been unkind to you, it really requires an herculean effort to keep on living when we are going through relapse after relapse. That's not easy to deal with.

Does your psychologist or your psychiatrist know that you're having ctb thoughts?
It's very good that you're being seen by them, especially if you feel the therapist is nice, that is very important in therapy, to have that connection.

I don't know how you can get out of that darkness but your situation makes me think that maybe you're lacking a purpose in life. A reason to get out of bed every day, a long term goal. Being out of a job, not liking how we look and feel, can be a very isolating experience. A job gives purpose to the week days, to the weekend, is full of small little goals to fulfill that can make you feel productive.

Is your mental state the reason why you don't have a job?
You don't need to go have a job right now, it may not be the right time, I just thought I should share some thoughts around having a job. I'm also not working currently.

Thanks for your words. Yes, my psychologist knows I'm suicidal and we talk about it. She recommends me to spend time with my loved ones and I try to do that often.

And yes, I absolutely have no purpose in life. I've tried to find meaning somewhere lots of times. I have some artistic interests (drawing, playing instrument) but they feel like chores and I don't enjoy them. I still enjoy videogames, music, comics and movies but most times they feel like distractions to ease the pain.

I struggled with having a job since the first one. Staying in an office makes me go insane. I quit some jobs because of that. I lost my last job for different reasons unrelated to me but honestly it was a relief. I think I need to try different jobs (not office) but anyway I don't feel able to wake up early and spend the whole day somewhere, I just want to sleep.