NickStanfield
Member
- Nov 12, 2019
- 46
Life has never been easy or kind to me. I was born to a mother who has more than her fair share of psychiatric issues and I'm pretty sure she's passed them onto me, both genetically as well as through "nurture". She a brilliant woman who has lived a very small life and that made her angry and bitter with her circumstances. I think she felt she was made for bigger things and being a mom and housewife to the typical 2 kids in the burbs never worked for her. She's very bi-polar, alcoholic and very violent. Dad stayed away from home as much as possible and I helped take care of my sister who was 5 years younger than me. I was beaten constantly as a kid – my mother violently and for any sort of transgression, and my father at the urging of my mother for more defined mistakes. I've been beaten with just about everything you can imagine for any minor transgression you can imagine, or for nothing at all. I was bullied a lot as a kid and developed some pretty potent martial arts skills to handle my bullies but it wasn't until years later that I realized my biggest bully was my mother.
At 18, I moved out. I was a straight A student in high school with extremely high SAT scores and was promised that my college would be paid for. As soon as I left home, that promise fell through and I ended up on my own having to cover all of my own expenses. I finished 3 years of an IT degree and got good jobs in the IT industry but my mother always treated me like shit. She was opposed to every relationship I ever had (she's very racist and when I as a white boy, started dating an Italian/Cuban girl she lost her mind). I eventually married a woman 6 years older than me and 5 years later had a daughter. Within a month of getting married, we essentially hit the "dead bedroom" status and with the exception of her getting pregnant, our marriage was a friendship at best and a business partnership most of the time. I loved my daughter like crazy and was incredibly involved in her life but my wife did nothing in the relationship. She was depressed and wouldn't do anything about it other that to lay on the couch and do nothing. And this went on for 25 years.
I've been a very social person and a very sexual person and while I did find comfort in others during those years, I was always discrete and kept my family as number one and never had issues in any way until I met a wonderful lady who lit up my life. Prior to her, I had grown comfortable with the idea of staying in a loveless marriage but in 2012, I hit my breaking point and ended my marriage and moved in with my now-wife. The divorce was horrible – it cost me over $150k and I lost everything but my personal effects. Because of the state that I was in and the number of years I was married, I got robbed on alimony - $6000/month for 4 years and then $4800/month for 4 more year. This all happened when I was making a lot of money, so while it was robbery it seemed worth it.
Then the health issues hit. I started having heart problems – a stent due to a blocked artery and all sorts of bizarre arrhythmias that kept me from doing much more than sitting still. Finally after two years, I found a cardiologist that was able to diagnose me has having hypertrophic cardiomyopathy – an enlarged heart from years of high blood pressure. A year later and another stent – coronary artery disease doesn't leave you alone. The next year, I had a breathing failure – my lungs filled with fluid and I suffered heart failure. They put me in a coma for two weeks and thankfully I recovered without much damage. Later that year, I had a heart attack on Christmas day, just several weeks after surgery to rebuild my right ankle and Achilles tendon. Six months later, I had severe diverticulitis and had to have full open abdominal surgery to remove 14 inches of colon and separate my colon from my bladder. I can tell my arteries are clogging up again because of my breathing and my energy levels, so it's only a matter of time…
The medical bills are Insane. The coma for the breathing issue was over $500,000 and even with insurance, it's tens and tens of thousands of dollars…. And that's just for that incident. My medicines are over $800 month alone.
Because of the medical stuff, I wasn't able to pay my alimony for a while and my ex-wife took me to court. That cost me every last penny I had in retirement savings. Shortly after that, I was laid off (they wouldn't say medical but it was medical) and I went 9 months without a job. We had to pay for insurance out of pocket (wife is a contractor), so we got down to less than no money, covering bills with credit cards and personal loans. And again over that 9 months, I didn't pay my wretch of an ex-wife and she's back, taking me to court for contempt and demanding back payment of $70,000 which I just don't have. And won't have. I have a decent job but it's a lot less than what it was when we divorced and I can't pay an attorney to fight any of this.
My daughter who's 26 has written me off and will not even speak to me because I divorced her mother. I tried with everything I have to make that relationship work and be excellent because of my own childhood and that's just a failure. My health is shit. After the diverticulitis surgery, I have a massive incisional hernia that makes me look like a hunchback but from the front. Clothes don't fit and I look like a freak.
I can't solve this issue with my ex-wife, I don't even have the money to fight it. I've gotten to the point where I have constant panic attacks – the anxiety is crippling. I can't sleep without drugs, because I wake up panicking about these things. My brain is toast and I spend a huge amount of time either off in a fantasy land where I can control things and make sense of that world (I'm a writer, so it's easy to get lost in that world) or planning my CTB…
I'm just waiting on some more chloroquine. I have 50 grams but it's not medical grade, so I've ordered another 23 grams of prescription quality. I've got the anti-emetics, the benzos (Atavan) and the sleeping drugs (Ambien) and I'm going to add a huge dose of Clonidine as well. If I do this correctly and at the right time, there's a good chance that this will look like a heart attack, which is a best case scenario, although toxicology might give it away. In the long run, it doesn't matter. I'm just done and need some peace.
I'm open to discussion on any and all of this.
At 18, I moved out. I was a straight A student in high school with extremely high SAT scores and was promised that my college would be paid for. As soon as I left home, that promise fell through and I ended up on my own having to cover all of my own expenses. I finished 3 years of an IT degree and got good jobs in the IT industry but my mother always treated me like shit. She was opposed to every relationship I ever had (she's very racist and when I as a white boy, started dating an Italian/Cuban girl she lost her mind). I eventually married a woman 6 years older than me and 5 years later had a daughter. Within a month of getting married, we essentially hit the "dead bedroom" status and with the exception of her getting pregnant, our marriage was a friendship at best and a business partnership most of the time. I loved my daughter like crazy and was incredibly involved in her life but my wife did nothing in the relationship. She was depressed and wouldn't do anything about it other that to lay on the couch and do nothing. And this went on for 25 years.
I've been a very social person and a very sexual person and while I did find comfort in others during those years, I was always discrete and kept my family as number one and never had issues in any way until I met a wonderful lady who lit up my life. Prior to her, I had grown comfortable with the idea of staying in a loveless marriage but in 2012, I hit my breaking point and ended my marriage and moved in with my now-wife. The divorce was horrible – it cost me over $150k and I lost everything but my personal effects. Because of the state that I was in and the number of years I was married, I got robbed on alimony - $6000/month for 4 years and then $4800/month for 4 more year. This all happened when I was making a lot of money, so while it was robbery it seemed worth it.
Then the health issues hit. I started having heart problems – a stent due to a blocked artery and all sorts of bizarre arrhythmias that kept me from doing much more than sitting still. Finally after two years, I found a cardiologist that was able to diagnose me has having hypertrophic cardiomyopathy – an enlarged heart from years of high blood pressure. A year later and another stent – coronary artery disease doesn't leave you alone. The next year, I had a breathing failure – my lungs filled with fluid and I suffered heart failure. They put me in a coma for two weeks and thankfully I recovered without much damage. Later that year, I had a heart attack on Christmas day, just several weeks after surgery to rebuild my right ankle and Achilles tendon. Six months later, I had severe diverticulitis and had to have full open abdominal surgery to remove 14 inches of colon and separate my colon from my bladder. I can tell my arteries are clogging up again because of my breathing and my energy levels, so it's only a matter of time…
The medical bills are Insane. The coma for the breathing issue was over $500,000 and even with insurance, it's tens and tens of thousands of dollars…. And that's just for that incident. My medicines are over $800 month alone.
Because of the medical stuff, I wasn't able to pay my alimony for a while and my ex-wife took me to court. That cost me every last penny I had in retirement savings. Shortly after that, I was laid off (they wouldn't say medical but it was medical) and I went 9 months without a job. We had to pay for insurance out of pocket (wife is a contractor), so we got down to less than no money, covering bills with credit cards and personal loans. And again over that 9 months, I didn't pay my wretch of an ex-wife and she's back, taking me to court for contempt and demanding back payment of $70,000 which I just don't have. And won't have. I have a decent job but it's a lot less than what it was when we divorced and I can't pay an attorney to fight any of this.
My daughter who's 26 has written me off and will not even speak to me because I divorced her mother. I tried with everything I have to make that relationship work and be excellent because of my own childhood and that's just a failure. My health is shit. After the diverticulitis surgery, I have a massive incisional hernia that makes me look like a hunchback but from the front. Clothes don't fit and I look like a freak.
I can't solve this issue with my ex-wife, I don't even have the money to fight it. I've gotten to the point where I have constant panic attacks – the anxiety is crippling. I can't sleep without drugs, because I wake up panicking about these things. My brain is toast and I spend a huge amount of time either off in a fantasy land where I can control things and make sense of that world (I'm a writer, so it's easy to get lost in that world) or planning my CTB…
I'm just waiting on some more chloroquine. I have 50 grams but it's not medical grade, so I've ordered another 23 grams of prescription quality. I've got the anti-emetics, the benzos (Atavan) and the sleeping drugs (Ambien) and I'm going to add a huge dose of Clonidine as well. If I do this correctly and at the right time, there's a good chance that this will look like a heart attack, which is a best case scenario, although toxicology might give it away. In the long run, it doesn't matter. I'm just done and need some peace.
I'm open to discussion on any and all of this.
