ctb tomorrow, but it has been planned for quite awhile. i have maintained normalcy in the sense that i haven't quit my job or blew all my money. i haven't told anyone point blank what my plans are, but honestly, i haven't been subtle either.
for example, recently in a group call with some friends, someone posed the question "how long do you think you're going to live?" typically im an active participant in all conversations, especially the thought provoking ones, but i stayed silent. no one noticed, no one asked for my answer.
more brazenly, i posted a picture of my ex on a private snapchat story with the caption "i think he'll consume those entire 7 minutes." in reference to the final 7 minutes of brain activity after death. no replies. no questions.
maybe people are just used to my mental illness and chalk up the odd behavior to that. i can't expect everyone to by hyper aware of even the smallest change in someone else's behavior- i know that is something i developed to survive while i was living through trauma as a child. but fuck, i feel like it's so common to hear or see the phrase "check on your friends."
it's not like anything anyone would've said could change my mind. i'm not looking or expecting to be saved, this was going to be my decision regardless, but they don't know that. i'm not blaming anyone for what's about to happen. it's just reinforcement of the idea that people don't go out of their way for me in the same way i do for them. it sucks, it's always sucked.
just needed to get that off my chest. i plan on posting again tomorrow before the attempt once im at the hotel.
for example, recently in a group call with some friends, someone posed the question "how long do you think you're going to live?" typically im an active participant in all conversations, especially the thought provoking ones, but i stayed silent. no one noticed, no one asked for my answer.
more brazenly, i posted a picture of my ex on a private snapchat story with the caption "i think he'll consume those entire 7 minutes." in reference to the final 7 minutes of brain activity after death. no replies. no questions.
maybe people are just used to my mental illness and chalk up the odd behavior to that. i can't expect everyone to by hyper aware of even the smallest change in someone else's behavior- i know that is something i developed to survive while i was living through trauma as a child. but fuck, i feel like it's so common to hear or see the phrase "check on your friends."
it's not like anything anyone would've said could change my mind. i'm not looking or expecting to be saved, this was going to be my decision regardless, but they don't know that. i'm not blaming anyone for what's about to happen. it's just reinforcement of the idea that people don't go out of their way for me in the same way i do for them. it sucks, it's always sucked.
just needed to get that off my chest. i plan on posting again tomorrow before the attempt once im at the hotel.
