DesperateChallenge
Member
- Oct 25, 2018
- 46
Hey guys... Army veteran here who has been living with PTSD, severe anxiety, depression, and severe suicidal thoughts for four years. I've had three failed attempts:
1) March 2016- 100 tramadol, 30 ambien, 30 lunesta, washed down with a bottle of rum... I was told it would have worked except my supervisor decided to check on my a second time that weekend and came to my apartment when I didn't answer, finding me unresponsive. A few days in the hospital plus 10 days in psych ward.
2) November 2016- half hearted attempt... tried to drink antifreeze but one sip and the taste was god awful. I want to vomit at the smell now. Then took 150 x 600mg Tylenol. Slept for two days and threw up a ton as expected. That time the intent to die wasn't solid.
3) 60+ Xanax and a bottle of rum. Someone called the cops because they couldn't find me and after searching they found me in the woods unresponsive. Don't remember anything for three or so days afterwards, spent two weeks in psych ward.
7 hospitalizations (3 days to two weeks) in the last three years, plus a month long residential PTSD treatment program, plus weekly therapy for the last year and here I am, still dealing with the same shit.
I've been intensely suicidal this week, cancelled my appointment yesterday, part of me hoping the therapist would ask why, but nope. Then went in and talked about how my SI was 8/10 earlier, at time of appt was 6/10, then this morning reported 8+/10 (I am required to check in daily). Nobody cares. I want help to make this all better, which at this point the only way is to die. I have peace with that, but don't have the guts to shoot myself due to extreme fear of failing again.
So, after reading the PPH, it seems like Sodium Azide would be a pretty sure way to go if it's done correctly... any thoughts? I've ordered 100g of it which should be here in a week.
I've also thought about injecting horse tranquilizers into my vein- acepromizine to be specific because it's what I have access to. I don't think I can get access to enough dormosedan to be a sure death because it's pretty highly controlled in the veterinary community. I have 20 mL of ace drawn up- 5 mg is enough to knock my 1800lb horse out pretty well... I'm 250. There are very few case studies on acepromazine lethality in humans. I've found one or two where someone has died from it (from the pill form, I believe), and one where a vet planned to inject 3mL to kill herself but then backed out. I FEEL like 20mL should do the job but there is so little information out there on successes or failures that it makes me a bit nervous. I've had this drawn up for months- all of the doctors freak out when I tell them that is my plan, but I still worry about failure
I've also thought about hanging, and went to buy rope last night but Lowe's was closed, so I continued my research and I think that option is still a good one.
Mostly looking for thoughts/concerns or any case studies on sodium azide or acepromazine that may make me more comfortable on success rate. Glad to have found this forum... the PPH was a great resource and I learned a lot after reading it this morning.
1) March 2016- 100 tramadol, 30 ambien, 30 lunesta, washed down with a bottle of rum... I was told it would have worked except my supervisor decided to check on my a second time that weekend and came to my apartment when I didn't answer, finding me unresponsive. A few days in the hospital plus 10 days in psych ward.
2) November 2016- half hearted attempt... tried to drink antifreeze but one sip and the taste was god awful. I want to vomit at the smell now. Then took 150 x 600mg Tylenol. Slept for two days and threw up a ton as expected. That time the intent to die wasn't solid.
3) 60+ Xanax and a bottle of rum. Someone called the cops because they couldn't find me and after searching they found me in the woods unresponsive. Don't remember anything for three or so days afterwards, spent two weeks in psych ward.
7 hospitalizations (3 days to two weeks) in the last three years, plus a month long residential PTSD treatment program, plus weekly therapy for the last year and here I am, still dealing with the same shit.
I've been intensely suicidal this week, cancelled my appointment yesterday, part of me hoping the therapist would ask why, but nope. Then went in and talked about how my SI was 8/10 earlier, at time of appt was 6/10, then this morning reported 8+/10 (I am required to check in daily). Nobody cares. I want help to make this all better, which at this point the only way is to die. I have peace with that, but don't have the guts to shoot myself due to extreme fear of failing again.
So, after reading the PPH, it seems like Sodium Azide would be a pretty sure way to go if it's done correctly... any thoughts? I've ordered 100g of it which should be here in a week.
I've also thought about injecting horse tranquilizers into my vein- acepromizine to be specific because it's what I have access to. I don't think I can get access to enough dormosedan to be a sure death because it's pretty highly controlled in the veterinary community. I have 20 mL of ace drawn up- 5 mg is enough to knock my 1800lb horse out pretty well... I'm 250. There are very few case studies on acepromazine lethality in humans. I've found one or two where someone has died from it (from the pill form, I believe), and one where a vet planned to inject 3mL to kill herself but then backed out. I FEEL like 20mL should do the job but there is so little information out there on successes or failures that it makes me a bit nervous. I've had this drawn up for months- all of the doctors freak out when I tell them that is my plan, but I still worry about failure
I've also thought about hanging, and went to buy rope last night but Lowe's was closed, so I continued my research and I think that option is still a good one.
Mostly looking for thoughts/concerns or any case studies on sodium azide or acepromazine that may make me more comfortable on success rate. Glad to have found this forum... the PPH was a great resource and I learned a lot after reading it this morning.
