Socially inept

[Still]

I am so incredibly socially awkward. I'm often either too shy or too vocal and can't stop talking, seem to struggle with a balance. However, always odd, always a weirdo. I've never seemed to really belong to any particular social group in my younger years, and have maintained my life since as a sort of outcast. I have tried to make friends, conversation, it feels harder as the years go on. I look at others in the world and I see them searching for answers I feel they will never find. I have given up on the search for "meaning". In turn, I often feel confused by others, and going through daily life I just feel odd. Regular conversation seems forced and obligatory. I know others that try/care, but I have pushed away a lot of my friends, family in the process to maintain this feeling of solitude. I just can't seem to maintain any worthwhile conversations. Friendship and dating has become a joke. My childhood and early teens consisted of constant trauma and now I am an on-edge adult with a very matter-of-fact attitude about life. I'm quite numb, often struggle to find emotion, or it suddenly hits me entirely all at once. I am, however, often incredibly paranoid/anxious, easily spooked by the world, and suffer from BPD and OCD. Tiny tiny little changes I easily pick up on and will dwell/obsess for days, weeks, months. I tend to self-sabotage opportunities that could help me. It's like I keep trying to stick my head out of the water and say "Hi, i'm here." but the water is heavy, like a weighted blanket. I know I should get out, but it's comfortable here. Maybe I'm comfortable being socially awkward. I'm my own best friend in the real world. I am thankful for this community, however. I feel a little less obliged to find the right words and a bit more thankful for the ability to express honestly.

Saturn

 

[Good4Nothing]

I can relate to all of that.
Thanks for sharing.

 

[WornOutLife]

I've never seemed to really belong to any particular social group in my younger years,

I can relate. I'm such a hybrid that I don't fit in specific groups and when I did, it was because I was pretending to be "normal".
For instance, I used to work at schools and my colleagues were like "Okay, what a beautiful day, nice whether huh?" "It seems it will rain today" "What will you have for dinner tonight?" and I was thinking things like "What the hell man? Do I really have to keep up with this boring and fake conversations? I just wanna work and get my money..." lol

Anyway, I kinda understand what you're going through.
Hope you can feel better soon.

Life is certainly hard.

Wish you the best!

 

[Still]

Thank you both

 

[L951788]

I can relate. I'm such a hybrid that I don't fit in specific groups and when I did, it was because I was pretending to be "normal".
For instance, I used to work at schools and my colleagues were like "Okay, what a beautiful day, nice whether huh?" "It seems it will rain today" "What will you have for dinner tonight?" and I was thinking things like "What the hell man? Do I really have to keep up with this boring and fake conversations? I just wanna work and get my money..." lol

Anyway, I kinda understand what you're going through.
Hope you can feel better soon.

Life is certainly hard.

Wish you the best!

Ha. That kinda reminds me of something someone once said on the internet. There is something called "Williams Syndrome" and a person with autism interacting with a "normal" person is essentially like a "normal" person interacting with someone with Williams Syndrome. Or at least that's how it feels.

I don't think I'm autistic but then again maybe I am because SOOOOOO many social interactions seem completely ridiculous and on the inside I'm like you...."really? You people are actually giving verbal energy to what you're doing right now?" I was always smarter than most people in school and it simply amazed me how certain people would act. It seemed like intentional LARPING but to them it was normal I guess?

I don't know. Maybe I am on the spectrum. And it would make sense that the population is getting more and more Williams Syndrome-y considering autistic people rarely if ever have kids. Plus the dumbing down of the general populace with social media and such. Idk. There are perks to how I am because I know I am smarter than most people but yeah the interactions are just ear-grating to me and honestly watching paint dry would be an equally valuable activity.

And I can "fake it" perfectly fine. Like my social skills are pretty dang good. But doing it over and over and over gets very tiresome.

Here's Williams Syndrome btw:

 

[Intotheflames]

This site is amazing. All my life I found myself weird and misunderstood but here we are sharing the same patterns.

I also am either too intense or too aloof, never the right amount of friendliness. I always think of me as a car that has malfunctioning pedals. On top of that there's a gap between how I am and what others see me. All my life there is just miscommunication between me and others. When I was being sincere to a girl, she thought I was being smooth, when they joked I thought deeply (because somehow to me it was philosophical), when they talked about serious stuff I laughed (because to me it was absurd) etc. Being around others often confused me. It's only when I was alone I knew how to be me. Also, like you, I am oblivious in nature, both emotionally and physically. I hardly notice there was undercurrent until it was too late.

I am where I am partly because of my self sabotage. There were chances that could turn my life around but for whatever reasons I let them pass by. You are right about one thing, in many ways I wouldn't be where I am had I not wanted it.

 

[Nodscene]

All I can say is I completely understand where everyone is coming from. In my case it's made for a very lonely life but it's hard making friends when you can't stand small talk and anything interesting is either too "heavy" a conversation or your looked at as too intense. It feels like a no win situation. Probably doesn't help that I've basically lost my sense of humour the longer my chronic pain has been affecting me.