Burning_soul
Member
- Feb 26, 2023
- 6
I used to be moderately social when I was young- I still felt distant to some degree with people due to how different my struggles are to most others but I still kept up appearances. I don't enjoy being around people and the ultimate benefit of creating relationships with others is null to me due to my plan to ultimately CTB and my thereby lack of value to health. My mother throughout my life has repeatedly criticized how quietly I speak and demeaned any friends I would bring home. She demeaned my ability to socialise and her voice is constantly in my head when I approach people. Even watching people have conversations with one another makes me super uncomfortable on how the other person could respond even if they're doing something good for the other person. When I do take interest in speaking to other people I get obsessed with the other person and they're all I can think of. In my lowest states I fantasise about the person even if I've never spoken to them. Then, after knowing them a while and developing something potentially, even if they don't change, I feel compelled to completely cut them off. It's torture to be around them any longer and I need to get away. After a while I regret this a little but ultimately go against coming back. I feel a baseline hatered to people and annoyance but at the same time I'm extremely lonely but I can't have both at the same time. I have a boyfriend and he's the best anyone could ask for and I've been with him for 3 years now and I know love isn't something that'll last in emotion forever and I don't plan on leaving him at all but no interactions draw my attention or imprint on me in the intense way it used to. It was painful how much I felt towards him and I know it's super immature to want to hold onto that, but I rarely feel anything raw nowadays no matter what I do. Sometimes I encounter other people that make me feel a fraction of what I initially felt with him and fantasize about them or follow them a bit until my thinking about them turns into hatred and scrutiny of that person like it always does and I feel horribly guilty for doing this but it's also one of the only things that makes me feel anymore. I definitely lack curiosity but why bother being curious. People are all the same in the end and what do I even get out of human interaction. No matter how close I try to get with other people they cannot understand my base desires and recognize me which makes everything feel so pointless. I've also experienced so much that has caused me to push away from people. I don't speak to anyone but him at this point no matter how much he encourages me to on a friendly or casual level. My therapist says I've built myself up to be bad at conversation rather than it being an intrinsic truth but I do try to speak to people and never know when I'm supposed to speak and end up getting laughed at or getting pushed to the back since I struggle finding the flow of conversation and ultimately enjoying the interaction because Im completely disconnected to who I am. Does anyone understand me?
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