Social anxiety and word vomit

[I wish I were a cat]

Just throwing some disjointed thoughts here as if journalling will help me feel any better

Social anxiety is a huge reason I want to ctb. I truly connect with animals more than I do with people and I can hardly hold a conversation in person in real life (over message I'm okay but in person I'm a completely different person). I'm so incredibly awkward I basically have no friends (2 friends). I've had social anxiety for so many years and went to therapy for it but it didn't help, and no amount of exposure therapy helps either. It's so much easier to just isolate than to force myself to hang out with people, only to get so damn drained and regret the fact that I even pushed myself in the first place.
Also so many jobs require dealing with people and I truly don't have the energy for it...and life is what? Like 80% job/being a slave to the fucking system. What a fucking life that is Seriously? Where's the freedom? Eugh.

All I know is life is constant suffering and it is a nice thought knowing I can ctb when I want to- in the sense of "thank fuck we aren't immortal" because what a hell that would be. Anyway, for now I live for my cat, family and boyfriend.

It's funny that people have mentioned that they wish they were pretty like me but tbh I'd rather be outgoing and ugly than "pretty" and socially fucked. Pretty also doesn't mean shit If you're basically alone in this world. I seriously feel like I'm an alien and I don't belong here. Side note why are people scared of aliens? They can take me away for all I care, would probably be better living with aliens than with humans on Earth.

Anyway this is just a vent tbh. I'm so done with this place and being trapped in this body. I want to be a free spirit LITERALLY. So exhausted. So done.

 

[Passersby]

This is exactly how it is for me too. It sucks. I've forced it for years and it doesn't get any easier. Nothing works to combat this. I have some new things that contribute to it that aren't fixable so it skyrockets the symptoms lot of times. How did you meet your boyfriend? That must have been almost impossible. I've always lived for my cats too. . I'm not scared of aliens but I can understand why some people might be. They see them as some sort of threat that could cause them harm. I hope they will abduct me and take me somewhere else. All I ever wanted was to be as free as possible. Is there anything that works for you with these symptoms?

 

[I wish I were a cat]

This is exactly how it is for me too. It sucks. I've forced it for years and it doesn't get any easier. Nothing works to combat this. I have some new things that contribute to it that aren't fixable so it skyrockets the symptoms lot of times. How did you meet your boyfriend? That must have been almost impossible. I've always lived for my cats too. . I'm not scared of aliens but I can understand why some people might be. They see them as some sort of threat that could cause them harm. I hope they will abduct me and take me somewhere else. All I ever wanted was to be as free as possible. Is there anything that works for you with these symptoms?

It's a horrible existence, isn't it?
I'm sorry you have similar feelings.
I met my boyfriend several years ago when my ex would drag me to parties. Even at parties I could only socialise because I got pretty wasted..so I'm thankful I met him because he is amazing. How many cats do you have?
Unfortunately I don't think I'll feel free until I'm on my deathbed about to die of old age..well that's if I don't ctb before then.
I've literally found nothing that truly helps my symptoms long-term. I'm too depressed and anxious and have just accepted that I will be for my entire life. Feel like a huge failure too. Have you found anything that helps?

 

[MentalStefan]

I understand your problems too well...
I also have a very instense social phobia which in conjunction with my autism and stupidity turned my life into hell. I went to therapies, visited many psychologists and psychiatrists, tried a plenty of exposure therapy but nothing worked. I often get a panic attack in social situations or even when I am around other people. These panic attacks significantly reduce my living comfort and make me want to ctb. I usually stay indoors and isolate myself from others. I basically have no friends (not counting some online friends). However I was able to get a boyfriend and omg he's so lovely and cute. I met him via internet of course but we also met personally.

Currently I also live for my boyfriend and for my cats! I generally love animals but cats will always have a special place in my heart!