So When Did It Start for You?

[Celerity]

First considered suicide at 12 after an argument with my abusive dad. I know it's been done before, but let's get some current numbers.

 

[Pen>Sword]

First considered suicide would be age of 9. That's when I had an argument with my younger brother over something stupid, and my mom sided with him. I admit, I was on the wrong side. I tried holding my breath for as long as I can to CTB. Those were the days.

For seriously considering suicide, it would be age of 21 or 24. I really want to die now, and it's not going any better for me. I have always been a fuck up in anything that I do.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

11. I even half heartedly attempted to by swallowing a bunch of aspirin. Didn't work, just got a stomach ache. Live, learn.

 

[WornOutLife]

12. I was just a silly and innocent boy who had realized that this world and most people sucked!

 

[rotten]

I think I was 12. My parents ended up with sudden financial troubles. This pissed my mom off since she thought she would live the rest of her days shopping and staying home. So she ended up taking her anger out on me. It started out minor at first, but eventually everyday I became a punching bag. I became sick due to stress, lost weight, and didn't participate in school. So one day I attempted to drown myself in the tub.

 

[GarageKarate07]

The one I voted for might win! Ps4trophies!! This thread will fill up really quick. LOL. I got bullied in school from 5th grade and so I dropped my grades hoping to get kicked out after telling my mother, the dumb fucking bitch, what was going on with the kids being mean to me AND other people. She didn't care about how bad it was but she was mad about my grades. Listen to your child dipshit! So after school every day I got yelled at by my step father and called worthless and faggot and your not my real son and I want you out of my house. Good job mom and dad! That's how fucking winners are made!! So I would get off the bus after school and climb this rock in my town and smoke cigarettes and give myself a reason not to jump. I was about 12 when I started smoking and stealing cigarettes. The rock was very tall and it would kill someone who jumped. I would have landed on the street in front of a group of houses and businesses and tourists. Then I would walk home and get called a faggot by my own parent in my own home until bedtime. This fucked me up for the rest of my life. No self confidence. No feeling of being safe. No trust in other people. The whole fucking deal. Insanity followed by sadness and depression and anxiety. Fucking thank you mom and dad!! Thank you for killing me at 12 years old! May God smile on you all your days for the love you showed one of his children! Please send a trophy to my parents!! Fucking cunts!! Now there have been times in my adult life when I was able to get over this by ignoring it but every little thing knocks me right back down. I'm always looking for the next time things get bad. Like I said fucked up for life. I'm 40 now. I am afraid of people, cars, the mailman, police sirens, taking a bath, brushing my teeth, doing the dishes, basic house chores, driving, walking, and so on. I have to force myself to do these things and it takes the life right out of me. Like I said fucked up for LIFE!! So when I/we see other people or children/kids (18-24ish) who are having a hard time. We see a child who is again FUCKED UP FOR LIFE!! No amount of pills or counseling will EVER take away those deeply rooted scars. Some of us get lucky and find a safe place later. It DOES happen but not often enough. We will all find a safe place as we go through life but it is hard in between those times. It fuckin sucks.

 

[Aeathelina]

10 after being rehoused to my aunts and miserable because I blamed myself for the foreclosure

 

[Vault of Memories]

13/14 and has never left since. For half my life I have been suicidal.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Very first time I sort of considered suicide was when I ran away from home at 13 because I feared my dad's wrath after getting a detention for the first time. I thought I could die of starvation or exposure but my SI kicked in less than a day in and I ended up letting myself get found by the police who were looking for me. I didn't really consider this a suicide attempt though since I barely lasted long enough anyway but I counted the 10-13 age range anyway.

My first real consideration of suicide was in around 2009/2010 when I was around 14/15 and I played Fire Emblem Shadow Dragon for the DS. This was my first Fire Emblem game and since I'm a dumb piece of shit I blitzed through the game allowing every character to permanently die except for Marth who can't die in order for the game to proceed. By the time I got to the end of the game and beat it literally every named character was dead and I had only generic units filling up my whole roster. When I beat the game though I didn't really care about the people I had let die until I got to the credits where they proceeded to go through every character's epilogue. Because I had let them all die though I only got that they "died in Chapter XX and were lost to the pages of history..." One by one, I saw this over and over and it slowly began to dawn on me just what a monster I was.

These feelings of guilt culminated in the final epilogue where Marth is discussing with a nonplayable character. She asks him why he's feeling so sad and he says something to the effect of "everyone's dead. The cost of war was too high a price to pay and this victory was hollow." I was especially sad when I realized I had killed Caeda, who was gonna be Marth's love interest, as soon as I had gotten her meaning Marth dies alone and unhappy because of me.

At that moment I wanted nothing more than to die. I felt like I deserved to be punished for my crimes against these fictional characters that weren't even as compelling as characters from other Fire Emblem games. Some time later, I thought of starting a new game but I realized I was still too brainless to beat it properly so I bought an Action Replay in order to cheat my way through and finish the game without letting anyone die (unfortunately there is one death that cannot be prevented but that's only because it's revealed later on that they weren't actually dead). It's why to this day I'm glad they added a casual mode in later FE games because even when characters I don't like permanently die I get too caught up in the guilt and wish for suicide.

Nowadays I don't care as much about other people though. I think if I were ever to let someone innocent die in real life I'd just add it to the other list of reasons I need to die...

 

[Toonloon]

I was like 3 or 4. Definitely before kindergarten. I remember just realizing everything is horrible and I need to not be born.
I kissed my brothers on the heads (they were like 6 or 5) and I said by to all my toys by kissing them and I just laid in the floor and held my breath. That didn't work I started putting small objects like pennies in my mouth and swallowing them hoping to choke on them to death. Cause my parents warned me about choking on them lol.
Didn't work just had to eat lots of prunes for few days until the pennies passed lol.

 

[bloomingdark]

16 at my worst but started when i was 14

 

[noaccount]

8 for me

 

[whywere]

For me it was around when I was 8 years old and my "dad", ya right! picked me up tossed me through the air and I landed on some sheet metal, bending the crap out of it and then he beat the hell out of me for bending the sheet metal. Ya that will do it! Walter

 

[Celerity]

12. I was just a silly and innocent boy who had realized that this world and most people sucked!

Same as me then. I'm in awe of these folks who took longer to figure out life sucks.

8 for me

That's so young. Do you know why?

I was like 3 or 4. Definitely before kindergarten. I remember just realizing everything is horrible and I need to not be born.
I kissed my brothers on the heads (they were like 6 or 5) and I said by to all my toys by kissing them and I just laid in the floor and held my breath. That didn't work I started putting small objects like pennies in my mouth and swallowing them hoping to choke on them to death. Cause my parents warned me about choking on them lol.
Didn't work just had to eat lots of prunes for few days until the pennies passed lol.

Jesus Fucking Christ. That's awful.

Very first time I sort of considered suicide was when I ran away from home at 13 because I feared my dad's wrath after getting a detention for the first time. I thought I could die of starvation or exposure but my SI kicked in less than a day in and I ended up letting myself get found by the police who were looking for me. I didn't really consider this a suicide attempt though since I barely lasted long enough anyway but I counted the 10-13 age range anyway.

My first real consideration of suicide was in around 2009/2010 when I was around 14/15 and I played Fire Emblem Shadow Dragon for the DS. This was my first Fire Emblem game and since I'm a dumb piece of shit I blitzed through the game allowing every character to permanently die except for Marth who can't die in order for the game to proceed. By the time I got to the end of the game and beat it literally every named character was dead and I had only generic units filling up my whole roster. When I beat the game though I didn't really care about the people I had let die until I got to the credits where they proceeded to go through every character's epilogue. Because I had let them all die though I only got that they "died in Chapter XX and were lost to the pages of history..." One by one, I saw this over and over and it slowly began to dawn on me just what a monster I was.

These feelings of guilt culminated in the final epilogue where Marth is discussing with a nonplayable character. She asks him why he's feeling so sad and he says something to the effect of "everyone's dead. The cost of war was too high a price to pay and this victory was hollow." I was especially sad when I realized I had killed Caeda, who was gonna be Marth's love interest, as soon as I had gotten her meaning Marth dies alone and unhappy because of me.

At that moment I wanted nothing more than to die. I felt like I deserved to be punished for my crimes against these fictional characters that weren't even as compelling as characters from other Fire Emblem games. Some time later, I thought of starting a new game but I realized I was still too brainless to beat it properly so I bought an Action Replay in order to cheat my way through and finish the game without letting anyone die (unfortunately there is one death that cannot be prevented but that's only because it's revealed later on that they weren't actually dead). It's why to this day I'm glad they added a casual mode in later FE games because even when characters I don't like permanently die I get too caught up in the guilt and wish for suicide.

Nowadays I don't care as much about other people though. I think if I were ever to let someone innocent die in real life I'd just add it to the other list of reasons I need to die...

That is so sad and wild. I guess we really get attached to make-believe at that age.

 

[MYStERY_Man]

12, 7th grade. It's really all on me.

Back in 5th grade I had a crush, built up way too high expectations and couldn't deal with the rejection. My sense of self-worth was shattered and I found refugee in an online game.

It wasn't too much of a problem until 7th grade, when I had another crush (love at first sight). This time I was frozen with anxiety. Each day I'd come home from school, be mad that I couldn't even say hi, promise that I'd do it the next day, which I never did. This cycle built up a lot of stress and self hatred. That's when the real isolation began. Eventually, suicide seemed like an option until I figured if I really hated myself, then I couldn't escape the pain, I had to suffer.

Looking back, it's silly. Like, how's that real trauma? Even in high school I thought it was kinda stupid, so after isolating myself for 2.5 years I tried socializing again, got some good friends, talked to the whole class and more, but... I was simply anhedonic. Neither the realization of the silliness nor accomplishing what I hoped for changed that, so the effort was all pain, no gain. Didn't bother in college, lost touch with everyone aside from one guy who was messaging me from time to time, but I ghosted him 10 months ago and I guess he's finally given up.

I still have the same kind of drive, which is how I pushed myself to start a job and I'm able to keep a study routine, but to maintain relationships on top of that, like I did in high school, seems like too much work now.

 

[Black Rose Bunny]

I was like 3 or 4. Definitely before kindergarten. I remember just realizing everything is horrible and I need to not be born.
I kissed my brothers on the heads (they were like 6 or 5) and I said by to all my toys by kissing them and I just laid in the floor and held my breath. That didn't work I started putting small objects like pennies in my mouth and swallowing them hoping to choke on them to death. Cause my parents warned me about choking on them lol.
Didn't work just had to eat lots of prunes for few days until the pennies passed lol.

I would hold my breath into my pillow and then tried to drown myself in the bath tub when that didn't work. I feel like this stuff feels normalized since when I say it it feels like I'm saying a cute childhood story but then I think about it a little