Venting So tired of pretending I'm ok

[makethepainstop]

I am so tired of pretending that everything is just so wonderful to the rest of the world. It feels like I have to put on my strong tough guy, I'm doing just peachy face every day. Does anyone else feel like this? It's almost like everyone in the whole damn world insists that I must pretend to be ok. Well here is my forbidden and unspoken truth, I am hurting badly. Ok world, Y'all got that I am not just totally fine and wonderful. Matter of fact world I am miserable and I can promise you that I am wretched as well. It is damn tiresome to keep my smiley face on. I am alone with no damn friends. Is anyone else in this same boat? NO boyfriend, no friends at all.
You can't tell a soul about how you feel for obvious reasons. I feel like I run a program, the yes I am perfectly fine I am doing great program. Each day it gets a little more difficult to keep the illusion running, til one day I believe I will terminate all programs I have running. Ever feel like you want to just start screaming and never stop? When one is so unwise as to discuss or divulge your feelings, you get the "Just go get some antidepressants, that will fix you right up." BS God why are so many of us cursed this way? Ok rant over thanks for letting me rant. Love.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I feel you. Went through a bout of sharing my pain and failure but it was embarrassing and pointless. Now I'm back to clamming up.

 

[universe]

It's a completely understandable feeling, I'm going through more or less the same thing right now. I'm sorry for you, continuing to pretend everyday and forcing yourself to live the day is really terrible. I think I've done that for most of my life. I was always depressed and hidden that I was bad, it became natural to me. I always tried to hold on, to keep pretending to reach my goal: the CTB. Nothing should be left to chance when making a decision that is unlikely to be understood. You can't imagine how quickly some people can get in the way of the projects you care about the most.

But since the CTB is looming, I know it's over and I'll soon be gone, it's even harder to pretend. My body is reaching its mental and physical limits. I understand your distress: being forced to repeat this choreography until you are free for eternity. We almost become an automaton, a computer.
People keep talking about the future, making plans for next year. I feel guilty because I know I won't be there anymore but I can't say anything. Recently, unable to bear it any longer, I told a friend that I was planning to give it a try soon. I talk about it often and he had no reaction. Nothing. He keeps talking to me about the future. I thought he was going to want us to take the opportunity to do things together but in fact nothing is happening. They all continue to act as if I was going to live. I want to scream at them that they have to stop, listen to me and really understand what it means. Let them stop being in denial.
Since then, I have understood that I was definitively and irretrievably alone. I'm going to have to pretend every day. Until the end, until the last day, life will piss me off.

I'm sorry that life has tried you so much, I talked a lot about myself in this post, I apologize. I send you all my prayers.