SunnyPotato
Member
- Aug 31, 2020
- 57
I feel like an asshole for wanting to ctb because people "love" me. I also keep failing at partial and night night, maybe due to being fat, idk. I can find the pulse with my hands with no trouble, then when I try to practice/attempt I just get exploding head syndrome and minutes pass without losing consciousness and eventually giving up. I have failed at every turn of my life. I have no job, no friends, no desire to leave the house (which I won't have for much longer anyway) just no hope in general. On paper it looks like I am supported, but I sure don't feel it. I don't want to hurt my partner and family, but they hurt me (emotionally) every chance they get. Maybe I'm not perceiving it the right way, but I don't see how I could be fabricating this shit for this long.
I broke down to my partner (who has caused my severely depressed/anxious ass to recently experience extreme trauma with police-US police, btw- and get us kicked out of our apartment) and he takes my pleading for help+comfort as emotional manipulation. He says he loves me- that's bullshit. He loves not being alone. I get that he needs support too with his horrible legal situation, but it's really hard to be supportive when I'm at the absolute end of my rope and he is MEAN to me all the time. He sighs and rolls his eyes whenever I speak, talks down to me, and just generally is being an asshole- something that would be forgivable as he's also in crises- if he weren't so insistent that I'm the sole one to blame and I'm inventing these behaviors of his. I'm literally ready to tape our conversations (not sure how, since his shit got my phone confiscated as evidence) to show him that he's gaslighting the shit out of me. I don't want to keep score or whatever, but I feel so dismissed and he subtly says shit about my credibility being worthless because I have mental illnesses. But so does he, and one of us is/has been actively trying to deal with it for MANY years, while the other comes up with every excuse to not seek help and is fully blind to how toxic he can be.
My family has been helping with his legal costs- so they now are holding that over my head constantly. They have given me plenty of superficial support but they don't even like me either. These people would be hurt if I were gone no doubt, but have no interest in making me feel like I actually ought to keep up with this endless uphill battle. I've wanted to ctb for years but it's quickly starting to feel a lot more urgent. I've tried all I can. I ask for help and get treated like a burden or just flat out ignored. I've tried to hospital route, been going to therapy for the better part of a decade, tried basically every medication/med cocktail, meditate daily, take my vitamins, try to exercise what little I can with my pain levels/exhaustion+fatigue. Nothing works. I've been living solely to save them from the pain of my loss for years, and I guess I could be grateful to "have people" or whatever but honestly I don't feel like I do, and now I just resent them for bringing me into this world and guilting me into staying. I feel completely alone, disliked, burdensome, etc. I feel like I'm not allowed to feel. I feel like I'm being pushed to the margins in every possible way and if I do feel like believing in signs from the universe, they are screaming at me to end it already, to stop trying to push my square peg self into this round world. I'd be long dead if I were born even 100 years ago with just my physical problems. I'm not designed for this.
I hate how bitter I've become. I just try to make myself as small and silent as possible and that's just a garbage way to live, particularly when I don't want to live at all. I don't know why I can't get it right when trying to ctb, perhaps I should try to acquire SN since I have antiemetics from previous illness but I don't have any money and am in so much debt, and unable to pay minimum payments on credit cards thus leaving them frozen. So I don't see how I could order it and also wouldn't be able to keep it secret- no chance of in person purchase either since I haven't been able to drive for years due to anxiety and my brain just stopping all the time. I'm supposed to look at an apartment today, but why even bother. My partner has put us into a situation where I can't imagine anyone ever renting to us, and I don't even care anymore. I just want it to end. I have all these unexplained health issues like chronic joint/musculoskeletal pain and weird pelvic pain, and really high blood pressure, and since asking for help with addressing these leads to nothing except feeling like more of a burden, I've given up and just hope one of those physical issues will kill me soon. But I don't think I can wait for. If I had the means I would find a way to get H and take my benzos because I just want to be at peace and without pain. but I don't have the means. I don't have anything.
Damn that was a long rant, sorry folks. Or thank you (see? I reframe all these thoughts like I learned in hospitals/therapy but it's pointless and I wish I could just stop.) My dad literally said to me the other day- "If I could do it all over, I don't think I'd have kids." Well dad, I really fucking wish you didn't.
I broke down to my partner (who has caused my severely depressed/anxious ass to recently experience extreme trauma with police-US police, btw- and get us kicked out of our apartment) and he takes my pleading for help+comfort as emotional manipulation. He says he loves me- that's bullshit. He loves not being alone. I get that he needs support too with his horrible legal situation, but it's really hard to be supportive when I'm at the absolute end of my rope and he is MEAN to me all the time. He sighs and rolls his eyes whenever I speak, talks down to me, and just generally is being an asshole- something that would be forgivable as he's also in crises- if he weren't so insistent that I'm the sole one to blame and I'm inventing these behaviors of his. I'm literally ready to tape our conversations (not sure how, since his shit got my phone confiscated as evidence) to show him that he's gaslighting the shit out of me. I don't want to keep score or whatever, but I feel so dismissed and he subtly says shit about my credibility being worthless because I have mental illnesses. But so does he, and one of us is/has been actively trying to deal with it for MANY years, while the other comes up with every excuse to not seek help and is fully blind to how toxic he can be.
My family has been helping with his legal costs- so they now are holding that over my head constantly. They have given me plenty of superficial support but they don't even like me either. These people would be hurt if I were gone no doubt, but have no interest in making me feel like I actually ought to keep up with this endless uphill battle. I've wanted to ctb for years but it's quickly starting to feel a lot more urgent. I've tried all I can. I ask for help and get treated like a burden or just flat out ignored. I've tried to hospital route, been going to therapy for the better part of a decade, tried basically every medication/med cocktail, meditate daily, take my vitamins, try to exercise what little I can with my pain levels/exhaustion+fatigue. Nothing works. I've been living solely to save them from the pain of my loss for years, and I guess I could be grateful to "have people" or whatever but honestly I don't feel like I do, and now I just resent them for bringing me into this world and guilting me into staying. I feel completely alone, disliked, burdensome, etc. I feel like I'm not allowed to feel. I feel like I'm being pushed to the margins in every possible way and if I do feel like believing in signs from the universe, they are screaming at me to end it already, to stop trying to push my square peg self into this round world. I'd be long dead if I were born even 100 years ago with just my physical problems. I'm not designed for this.
I hate how bitter I've become. I just try to make myself as small and silent as possible and that's just a garbage way to live, particularly when I don't want to live at all. I don't know why I can't get it right when trying to ctb, perhaps I should try to acquire SN since I have antiemetics from previous illness but I don't have any money and am in so much debt, and unable to pay minimum payments on credit cards thus leaving them frozen. So I don't see how I could order it and also wouldn't be able to keep it secret- no chance of in person purchase either since I haven't been able to drive for years due to anxiety and my brain just stopping all the time. I'm supposed to look at an apartment today, but why even bother. My partner has put us into a situation where I can't imagine anyone ever renting to us, and I don't even care anymore. I just want it to end. I have all these unexplained health issues like chronic joint/musculoskeletal pain and weird pelvic pain, and really high blood pressure, and since asking for help with addressing these leads to nothing except feeling like more of a burden, I've given up and just hope one of those physical issues will kill me soon. But I don't think I can wait for. If I had the means I would find a way to get H and take my benzos because I just want to be at peace and without pain. but I don't have the means. I don't have anything.
Damn that was a long rant, sorry folks. Or thank you (see? I reframe all these thoughts like I learned in hospitals/therapy but it's pointless and I wish I could just stop.) My dad literally said to me the other day- "If I could do it all over, I don't think I'd have kids." Well dad, I really fucking wish you didn't.
