SmollMushroom
send N pls
- Sep 27, 2023
- 405
First of all, hi everyone. Even tho I've been lurking around, I never posted in here before, but I read quite a bit of topics.
I don't want to bore anyone with a super long story so I won't go much into details.
To sum it up I had a quite happy childhood - even tho one of my parents died during that time, and that already says a lot lol - but after that everything kept getting worse and worse.
My remaining parent didn't really care about me. Didn't spend time with me, and the only thing they did for me was keeping me under their roof I guess. They were very abusive to me: yelling, beating me up occasionally and always threatening me. They used to drink a lot and to vent on me. I grew up as an insecure child.
So, since I was a little kid, I grew accustomed to being alone. All the time. I found (like many) my refuge in videogames and that's about it.
Never been a popular kid either, I was often left out from the group because I was considered a loser. I could safely say I never had a true friend after my 10s.
Some years ago I got a useless three years degree in something I completely lost interest about, and since then I have been living with some of my relatives that used to support me when I was a little kid and my parent died.
Some time ago, I decided to open up with them, because when my parent died they were very close to me, and to be fair, they helped me quite a lot when I was a child. So I told them about how hard my previous years had been, about the extreme social anxiety I have developed, and that I grew up living like an hikikomori basically... And that was a big mistake.
I was fooled into thinking that they would have helped me, but instead they turned their back on me. They now see me as a failure because they were expecting help from me, which makes me think that I was no more than an investment for them. Do they ever really cared about me?
Not only that, but they refuse to acknowledge what I've gone through, they don't even think my anxiety is real even tho I'm literally on medication because of that, and I'm seeing a therapist. And that hurts a lot. They were the only ones I always thought would love me no matter what, but I was very wrong.
They just want me out of their lives now, all because I have an hard time staying around people because of my anxiety. It is so absurd...
I mean there's a part of me who gets it. Who would like someone who doesn't want anyone around? Who always want to stay by themselves? But holy fuck, I've always been a good person... Never used drugs, never did anything stupid/illegal and I always tried to be nice to people. And this is how it ended, with me being completely alone, with no friends, abandoned by the ones who said to love me...
It's such a shame that the guy selling N is no longer around. I was here back then, lurking and thinking that was my choice to ctb. But at the time I wasn't really sure yet. I came back with the hope that stuff was still obtainable, but I guess, as always, life can only keep going worse. Meh.
In any case I'm open for any questions, if anyone is interested - I cut out a lot of details because I didn't really wanted to write an essay... Feel free to DM me too if you want, if possible (not sure because the account is fresh).
I don't want to bore anyone with a super long story so I won't go much into details.
To sum it up I had a quite happy childhood - even tho one of my parents died during that time, and that already says a lot lol - but after that everything kept getting worse and worse.
My remaining parent didn't really care about me. Didn't spend time with me, and the only thing they did for me was keeping me under their roof I guess. They were very abusive to me: yelling, beating me up occasionally and always threatening me. They used to drink a lot and to vent on me. I grew up as an insecure child.
So, since I was a little kid, I grew accustomed to being alone. All the time. I found (like many) my refuge in videogames and that's about it.
Never been a popular kid either, I was often left out from the group because I was considered a loser. I could safely say I never had a true friend after my 10s.
Some years ago I got a useless three years degree in something I completely lost interest about, and since then I have been living with some of my relatives that used to support me when I was a little kid and my parent died.
Some time ago, I decided to open up with them, because when my parent died they were very close to me, and to be fair, they helped me quite a lot when I was a child. So I told them about how hard my previous years had been, about the extreme social anxiety I have developed, and that I grew up living like an hikikomori basically... And that was a big mistake.
I was fooled into thinking that they would have helped me, but instead they turned their back on me. They now see me as a failure because they were expecting help from me, which makes me think that I was no more than an investment for them. Do they ever really cared about me?
Not only that, but they refuse to acknowledge what I've gone through, they don't even think my anxiety is real even tho I'm literally on medication because of that, and I'm seeing a therapist. And that hurts a lot. They were the only ones I always thought would love me no matter what, but I was very wrong.
They just want me out of their lives now, all because I have an hard time staying around people because of my anxiety. It is so absurd...
I mean there's a part of me who gets it. Who would like someone who doesn't want anyone around? Who always want to stay by themselves? But holy fuck, I've always been a good person... Never used drugs, never did anything stupid/illegal and I always tried to be nice to people. And this is how it ended, with me being completely alone, with no friends, abandoned by the ones who said to love me...
It's such a shame that the guy selling N is no longer around. I was here back then, lurking and thinking that was my choice to ctb. But at the time I wasn't really sure yet. I came back with the hope that stuff was still obtainable, but I guess, as always, life can only keep going worse. Meh.
In any case I'm open for any questions, if anyone is interested - I cut out a lot of details because I didn't really wanted to write an essay... Feel free to DM me too if you want, if possible (not sure because the account is fresh).
