So, so very stuck and desperate

[Despo41]

I have a brain injury and physically suffer from other things - diagnosed me/cfs.
I am a mother of 2 but I can't function at home on any level. My husband has to do everything. I can't go out - socialise or lead any kind of life I did before. I am just existing in bed and because of the brain injury I get no satisfaction or enjoyment out of anything. So I am basically dead but still living for everyone else.
I cannot not do that anymore. It's impossible and have suffered so much over these years - it's cruel to keep me alive. I can't be anything to anyone.
Thing is I feel so stuck. I have looked into every method going and just can bring myself to do them. The only thing I would do is N but that is just impossible - getting through customs is impossible where I live.
What do I do? My husband and sister understand my situation - I've even begged for their help I get so desperate.
I've looked into ways I could possibly do this to make it look like an accident so my kids don't have to live with what I do. It's just not possible to do in the way I feel I want to - without having to do it an awful way. I'm just utterly desperate with no way out

 

[limpingtowardfreedom]

I think your children would want to know the truth

I didn't find out my father killed himself for five years when I was a kid and I was furious with everyone for lying to me, and the thought of a universe where your mother or father that you desperately needed could be taken away completely randomly was so much more horrible. I don't know how old your kids are, I was ten, but I wasn't dumb. I could see that he was tired and in pain, and at least that would have made sense to me.

If you can't bear the thought of harming your children, then don't leave your children behind.

I can't imagine what your life is like, but it sounds from your post that you don't want to die, you just can't figure out any other way to live with the injury you've experienced and you're just completely desperate for *something*. If I may ask, what effect does the brain injury have on your function? Tell me more about how you ended up feeling like there's no other option and like there's nothing for you in the world anymore.

 

[Despo41]

I was harmed by a medication 6 years ago - brain damaged which caused the me/cfs.
I didn't even know how to dress at one point. It took everything away from me and I experienced the worst four years of constant suicidal depression and other horrific symptoms that I don't know how I survived. The last two years there was some improvement but I was still not leading a normal life or able to do much:
Recently I have had another reaction to an antibiotic - the second biggest mistake of my life and I've gone back to square one - another neurotoxic brain injury because my system can not tolerate any medication.
It was awful - I felt my head fog up, my eyes felt strange and I just knew something had gone terribly wrong. The next day I woke up and had lost everything I had gained back - however small.
I'm now left with so many horrific mental, cognitive and physical symptoms. I've lost my soul again - all of my human existence has gone. It feels so much worse this time too. All emotions gone again. I am traumatised like no one can believe - how could this happen again? No one could possibly live with what I am having to suffer right now and I am a strong women. It's ok for people to say hang on to see if this gets better but I was brain damaged before. I know how serious this recent reaction is.
I just sit in bed and stare at the wall. The depression is the drug induced kind that is just beyond anything anyone could ever imagine. I have so many symptoms and it's never a case of slowly getting better. You never know what's going to hit you from minute to minute.
no one could ever say I never fought for my children. I cannot put into words what I suffered for them. I cannot put myself or them through this for years on end again when we do not even know the outcome. I was just about surviving before this. I'm utterly heart broken for my family but there is only so much someone can take and I've took more than most believe me. Utterly devastated and nothing or anybody can help this awful tragic situation.
My children are 17 and 14
They know I'm sick - I'm bed bound
This happens to so many people - they heal some and then get hit with another medication. This was all caused by an antidepressant - the biggest mistake of my life was putting that pill in my mouth. I never once in my life of 30 years prior to that drug had one suicidal thought. It's sick and criminal what these drugs are capable of doing! I'm so sorry for the ramble - I'm so distraught and angry at this awful situation.

 

[AcornUnderground]

I am so sorry @Despo41 . I know how debilitating me/cfs can be and I am similarly bedridden with my own physical illness. No one can understand the pain and desperation of a young body locked, immobile, in bed. It is pure torture. Interesting post from @limpingtowardfreedom - that breaks my heart because I, too, have to leave two small children behind and believe me there is literally no way to stay. I have gone to great lengths to make it seem as if my illness killed me, not suicide, assuming that would be best for them. Of course, everything is horrible in this scenario.

I truly feel you @Despo41 - the pain and panic and depression, trapped in bed. Distraught and angry are the right words. I wish I had a solution for you. I know we just both want our lives back.

 

[jrums]

I was harmed by a medication 6 years ago - brain damaged which caused the me/cfs.
I didn't even know how to dress at one point. It took everything away from me and I experienced the worst four years of constant suicidal depression and other horrific symptoms that I don't know how I survived. The last two years there was some improvement but I was still not leading a normal life or able to do much:
Recently I have had another reaction to an antibiotic - the second biggest mistake of my life and I've gone back to square one - another neurotoxic brain injury because my system can not tolerate any medication.
It was awful - I felt my head fog up, my eyes felt strange and I just knew something had gone terribly wrong. The next day I woke up and had lost everything I had gained back - however small.
I'm now left with so many horrific mental, cognitive and physical symptoms. I've lost my soul again - all of my human existence has gone. It feels so much worse this time too. All emotions gone again. I am traumatised like no one can believe - how could this happen again? No one could possibly live with what I am having to suffer right now and I am a strong women. It's ok for people to say hang on to see if this gets better but I was brain damaged before. I know how serious this recent reaction is.
I just sit in bed and stare at the wall. The depression is the drug induced kind that is just beyond anything anyone could ever imagine. I have so many symptoms and it's never a case of slowly getting better. You never know what's going to hit you from minute to minute.
no one could ever say I never fought for my children. I cannot put into words what I suffered for them. I cannot put myself or them through this for years on end again when we do not even know the outcome. I was just about surviving before this. I'm utterly heart broken for my family but there is only so much someone can take and I've took more than most believe me. Utterly devastated and nothing or anybody can help this awful tragic situation.
My children are 17 and 14
They know I'm sick - I'm bed bound
This happens to so many people - they heal some and then get hit with another medication. This was all caused by an antidepressant - the biggest mistake of my life was putting that pill in my mouth. I never once in my life of 30 years prior to that drug had one suicidal thought. It's sick and criminal what these drugs are capable of doing! I'm so sorry for the ramble - I'm so distraught and angry at this awful situation.

Same. SSRI's have left me a castrated, lobotomized zombie. Will ctb with SN soon. Horrible to live with no emotions. It's inhumane torture and nobody should blame you if you decide to end it.

 

[Wiltshire]

Oh Despo41 I feel for you so much. What an existence to have. I won't going into my own details but life is just one existing day after another. meducation has had a huge part to play, oh if only.....One step forward 10 back and then you wonder how it all happened. The days I've spent in rueful regret and analysing things - all with the benefit (or not!) of hindsight. Oh to be able to close our eyes and wake up either healed or to not wake up - anything but to go through another day. What a traumatic situation. Only you know your suffering, your family, no matter what they see, could never feel the burden you are experiencing. I imagine your kids would want to see you live at any cost but couldn't understand the cost of that suffering to you. I pray you can find some way to not feel trapped and that somehow, though seemingly impossible - your life can turn around. I listen to dr Sandra kennedy on you tube. I am British in the U.K., had never really contemplated God and spiritual healing energy and all of the wonderful things outside of our normal thinking. I think sometimes we are led in certain ways. In any event, despite being in this forum, I am starting to actually have a relationship with God, something i would not have even thought of years ago, I was never at all spiritual. Sandra Kennedy is a pastor from Augusta Georgia - a really deep South lady, full of mirth and gusto. Through her you tube teachings and her books I have started to feel there might just be a way out. Then today— I thought I just couldn't take it anymore. But tonight, in just a moment, I will get myself in bed and listen to something soothing and healing and try and believe again that it will all be good. I can't believe that you actually want to go, but that you really want to be well and to not have to deal with this anymore but you just simply can't believe that it could ever change. A very very loyal and beautiful friend of mine is in a situation very similar to yourself. We talk constantly about getting through the day and only believing in the good, no matter how wearisome. It feels impossible at times. At least I can get outside in the garden at the moment, no matter how challenging that is. I'm sure your family would not want you to suffer a moment longer but that they also couldn't bear the thought of you not being with them. i can only offer you my deepest heartfelt prayers tonight that everything turns around and that you can find rest and peace. I actually have 2 lots of SN AND a nitrogen tank with exit bag (already made up) hiding in my wardrobe. I am simultaneously horrified that it's there and that life has got to this but also comforted in a twisted way that I could actually end the suffering at any time. I send yo love.

 

[Despo41]

Same. SSRI's have left me a castrated, lobotomized zombie. Will ctb with SN soon. Horrible to live with no emotions. It's inhumane torture and nobody should blame you if you decide to end it.

I'm so so sorry. It is not a life. My recent antibiotic reaction has kindled me and I'm worse than I ever have been. Literally woke up with chemical horror running through my body. How long have you been off the ssri? It can take a long time for things to change. I was starting to feel some emotions at 5 years 4 years off.

Oh Despo41 I feel for you so much. What an existence to have. I won't going into my own details but life is just one existing day after another. meducation has had a huge part to play, oh if only.....One step forward 10 back and then you wonder how it all happened. The days I've spent in rueful regret and analysing things - all with the benefit (or not!) of hindsight. Oh to be able to close our eyes and wake up either healed or to not wake up - anything but to go through another day. What a traumatic situation. Only you know your suffering, your family, no matter what they see, could never feel the burden you are experiencing. I imagine your kids would want to see you live at any cost but couldn't understand the cost of that suffering to you. I pray you can find some way to not feel trapped and that somehow, though seemingly impossible - your life can turn around. I listen to dr Sandra kennedy on you tube. I am British in the U.K., had never really contemplated God and spiritual healing energy and all of the wonderful things outside of our normal thinking. I think sometimes we are led in certain ways. In any event, despite being in this forum, I am starting to actually have a relationship with God, something i would not have even thought of years ago, I was never at all spiritual. Sandra Kennedy is a pastor from Augusta Georgia - a really deep South lady, full of mirth and gusto. Through her you tube teachings and her books I have started to feel there might just be a way out. Then today— I thought I just couldn't take it anymore. But tonight, in just a moment, I will get myself in bed and listen to something soothing and healing and try and believe again that it will all be good. I can't believe that you actually want to go, but that you really want to be well and to not have to deal with this anymore but you just simply can't believe that it could ever change. A very very loyal and beautiful friend of mine is in a situation very similar to yourself. We talk constantly about getting through the day and only believing in the good, no matter how wearisome. It feels impossible at times. At least I can get outside in the garden at the moment, no matter how challenging that is. I'm sure your family would not want you to suffer a moment longer but that they also couldn't bear the thought of you not being with them. i can only offer you my deepest heartfelt prayers tonight that everything turns around and that you can find rest and peace. I actually have 2 lots of SN AND a nitrogen tank with exit bag (already made up) hiding in my wardrobe. I am simultaneously horrified that it's there and that life has got to this but also comforted in a twisted way that I could actually end the suffering at any time. I send yo love.

Thank you. I want nothing more to live - nothing, but what I suffer everyday is inhumane. The severity is just too much day in day out and unfortunately getting worse. Things did change over time last time but it was just such a horrific process and I don't even know if this is possible of getting better. I'm sorry you have had to suffer too. I'm glad you've managed to find something to help you though.
I'm from the UK too

 

[KUA]

I have a brain injury and physically suffer from other things - diagnosed me/cfs.
I am a mother of 2 but I can't function at home on any level. My husband has to do everything. I can't go out - socialise or lead any kind of life I did before. I am just existing in bed and because of the brain injury I get no satisfaction or enjoyment out of anything. So I am basically dead but still living for everyone else.
I cannot not do that anymore. It's impossible and have suffered so much over these years - it's cruel to keep me alive. I can't be anything to anyone.
Thing is I feel so stuck. I have looked into every method going and just can bring myself to do them. The only thing I would do is N but that is just impossible - getting through customs is impossible where I live.
What do I do? My husband and sister understand my situation - I've even begged for their help I get so desperate.
I've looked into ways I could possibly do this to make it look like an accident so my kids don't have to live with what I do. It's just not possible to do in the way I feel I want to - without having to do it an awful way. I'm just utterly desperate with no way out

Have you considered Dignitas?

 

[Despo41]

Have you considered Dignitas?

I've considered Pegasus but I don't think I have enough paper work. It's not easy.

 

[KUA]

I've considered Pegasus but I don't think I have enough paper work. It's not easy.

It's not easy at all but I think it would help with your family situation. I think as long as you have doctors notes that explain that literally nothing else can be done for your condition then you would be fine.

 

[Despo41]

I spoke to my children last night about how much I'm suffering and how I believe that if no one should have the right to suffer to this extreme

It's not easy at all but I think it would help with your family situation. I think as long as you have doctors notes that explain that literally nothing else can be done for your condition then you would be fine.

Yes I spoke to a doctor the other day and he said I'm at the severe stage of ME/cfs but then he said he'd write to my doctor stating I should have Cbt. I should have told him I'd already had it. CBT is not going to help at all. I think the lack of notes on my medical record will prove difficult, plus I'm only 41 and have children.
I wish I could go - it would be much easier on everyone including me.
My daughter understand - my son said he couldn't live without me. I am stuck living in torture. I have no life to give them!

 

[ebt88]

There is VSED: voluntary stop eating and drinking. I think is legal in most places cause they can't fede you against your will (i read that somewhere). It takes up to 10 days depending on your health and you'll likely need help to achieve it. If you have an underlying condition is quite possible they put that as cause of death

 

[jrums]

I'm so so sorry. It is not a life. My recent antibiotic reaction has kindled me and I'm worse than I ever have been. Literally woke up with chemical horror running through my body. How long have you been off the ssri? It can take a long time for things to change. I was starting to feel some emotions at 5 years 4 years off.

Thank you. I want nothing more to live - nothing, but what I suffer everyday is inhumane. The severity is just too much day in day out and unfortunately getting worse. Things did change over time last time but it was just such a horrific process and I don't even know if this is possible of getting better. I'm sorry you have had to suffer too. I'm glad you've managed to find something to help you though.
I'm from the UK too ❤

It's been just over 2 years. But there is also a lot of physical and sexual damage too that in itself is hard to live with.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

I can relate. I feel trapped in my situation

I live an abusive bastard father nd an annoying shit brother. U just feel like I am in a prison for life and the only way out is suicide

 

[laserfocus111]

I think your children would want to know the truth

I didn't find out my father killed himself for five years when I was a kid and I was furious with everyone for lying to me, and the thought of a universe where your mother or father that you desperately needed could be taken away completely randomly was so much more horrible. I don't know how old your kids are, I was ten, but I wasn't dumb. I could see that he was tired and in pain, and at least that would have made sense to me.

If you can't bear the thought of harming your children, then don't leave your children behind.

Here I am thinking about leaving my 3 year old son behind.. :(

 

[torentrap]

Here I am thinking about leaving my 3 year old son behind.. :(

I know how you feel. I have a 9 year old

 

[Living sucks]

There is VSED: voluntary stop eating and drinking. I think is legal in most places cause they can't fede you against your will (i read that somewhere). It takes up to 10 days depending on your health and you'll likely need help to achieve it. If you have an underlying condition is quite possible they put that as cause of death

They actually can force you to eat by placing a Ng tube in your nose to your stomach and put liquid nutrients, water and pills in you thru that. That's once they petition the courts saying you're endangering yourself. And it taikes much longer than 10 days esp if you're healthy .. vsed is nearly impossible unless you're already dying and on lots of meds to keep you drugged.

 

[ebt88]

I've considered Pegasus but I don't think I have enough paper work. It's not easy.

Have you looked into night night? It's very accessible, might need some practice alone. Also in your situation i'd ask to tell my children I passed due to the disease (which is in a way true as it's your motivation to go)

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...ht-night-tourniquet-method.40458/#post-743654

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/the-night-night-method-mega-thread.6834/

 

[DeadButDreaming]

It's funny how so many of us determined to die have suffered head injuries.

I wish I could provide a solution to your pain. All I can offer is the knowledge that many of us are suffering as you are.

 

[FreddieQuell]

Dear @Despo41 I understand your situation so well. I am the child of a mother with severe ME/CFS, and have been diagnosed with it myself unfortunately. I know the amount of suffering my mother has had to go through and I have told her on multiple occasions I fully understand her wish to die. I have signed euthanasia papers for her, that I'll be the one deciding when to pull the plug if she ever ends up on life support. Of course I'd have them pull the plug instantly.

I have only come to understand the suffering of my mother later in life though, having suffered quite a bit myself and able to relate to her. She's in a living hell worse than I am and I wish a peaceful quick end to it all for her. Actively helping her to CTB would be a step to far though, although I've seriously considered it.

I honestly don't know what good this is to you, I am not encouraging you to CTB, just saying that it's a messed up situation that I fully understand. Sending you love and strength