So some backstory about me. I'm currently living in Singapore. I'm 38M my wife is 39 and I have 2 kids. I come from a upper middle to high income family. My dad has several properties that he collects rent from averaging around SGD$50k per month. He used to operate a chain of F&B businesses which have mostly been sold or wound down. I am currently managing the only surviving restaurant and do not have any fixed salary. I draw whatever that is required of me to support my family from my business. I contribute SGD$4k a month towards my wife and SGD$3.5K a month towards my mom for their allowance. This has not factored in my daily cost of living and insurance which comes out to around SGD$6K amonth.
I had a Psychologist and Psychiatrist who I had been seeing for the past 4-5 years or so. The reason I started seeing a Psychologist was due to all the abuse that my dad has been giving to me and my mom and I couldnt take it anymore. I was referred to a Psychiatrist and started meds as there were pretty worried about me. I stopped seeing them last year when my business started going downhill.
I have comtemplated CTB even back when business was good but now that business is bad those dark thoughts have returned and much worse than before.
I cant talk to wife cause she has her own problems, cant talk to friends but I cant fully reveal much as all they can say is go to church, find god, be thankful and so forth.
I can only open up my feelings or be frank to myself by having a journal on my phone.
Do anyone else feel this way?
Heres my journal for those who wanna read.
I'm so tired…
Everything I do is like 1 step forward 2 steps back. I realized I've been searching for the wrong thing. I guess I'm only searching for a friend someone to share my feelings to. Afraid to share with others cos I'm afraid to be judged. Wrting it makes it so much easier to convey my feelings. Everybodys asking me to find god… I thank god for my family; I thank him to have such a wife who will go through thick and thin with me, I thank him for blessing me with 2 wonderful children… But I curse him for making me feel this way… I thank him for having me met you but I hate him for making me afraid to talk. I really just want someone to talk about the books I read, the movies I watched, someone who can understand me. I don't want any misunderstanding, I don't want any romances, I just want someone that I can talk to middle of the night. No obligations no judgement no miscontrued intentions, just someone to talk to. I think its true all of my friends or should I say people who I can be free and talk my feelings to are bought. I cant expect KY to be here for me 24/7, I love my wife but she has her limitations as well, Joanna can only be reached with 3 days notice so I guess pretty much anyone I wanna talk to has to be bought just like any other thing in life. I wanna be positive, I wanna be happy, I'm trying so hard but it seems like everything I'm doing is insuffiecient. I tried being happy but at the end I still feel the same… I dont wanna be a burden a obligation or an attention seeker. Oh god if only if I have the courage… Just a small step is all it takes. Scared to be alive afraid to die… A minute of pain should outweigh a lifetime of emptiness. Wanna tell my wife so many things wanna share my feelings with her, wanna be like before when I could tell her anything, maybe thats the cost of growing up being an adult. If only I could be 16 again, so innocent so carefree, unafraid of speaking what we are feeling. It seems like the older you get you need to bottle up your feelings and man up… I just wanna be numb from everything. Already taking so many pills what difference does a couple more make. I don't wanna feel anymore, everyday is like I'm in a coma, physically here but just floating. Sorry to everyone; sorry to both my mothers, sorry to my kids I'm not the father they hope to be, sorry to my wife for having a husband like me. Sorry to the world and anyone else that even cared, most of all sorry to me for not being true to myself. Not sure if this is the bottle talking or what but it seems the only time I can be truthful is when I see the btm of a bottle and at deepest of the night.
Too afried to be truthful too afraid to be judged.
Maybe thtats just what i am, i really appreciate carol and love her for being her but somtimes this darknesss inside overcomes all the things i have surroundung me. Like what i said too afraid to live too afriad to die. A mommnt of pain should overcome a life of darkness. Why do i feel this way? Dad thinks im on drugs ppl say i should stop the meds but the meds are the only thing stoppping me from thinking about death daily. Death would be a warm embrace compared to what im feeling now. Death is my dearest friend and i hope it takes me in my sleep. Mabe im a selfish bastard after all always thinking Bout my self. How i wish for deaths embrace. Coming home to an empty room after a hard days work is the worst feeling of all. Oh god pls give me the courage. 2 funnerals in one sure has a nice ring to it.
I wanna feel happy but I cant.
I feel happy with my kids but with my wife it seems like I'm pretending. Ever since what she said about and downplayed my depression I feel that she doesnt understand how I feel. She might blame me or my family which is what I do not want to happen. I can sometimes feel that she is trying but those little temper of hers makes me afraid to show my real emotions or feelings. I try to be close to her but I feel that ever since she said that it was like it brought me down to my knees . Imagine where should I even turn to when your wife doesnt even understand you. I hate the patriachy where men have to contribute everything and just sucking up their feelings. Is it so wrong to feel like this. I dint wanna fel this way but it comes and goes. I cant predict when it comes and when it goes. I really love my kids so much but some days I feel I can no longer hold back the feeling of dread. I call myself the empathy machine where I can switch on and off how I feel. Am I selfish am I crazy I cant tell. I really wish I had the courage to take that small step. I no longer feel a connection with my wife. I feel like if we dont have any kids I would have left long ago. I wanna go abck to when we still cared to when we still in love to when we didnt scream at each other. Definitely my fault for making her this way but I didnt mean for this to happen. Sometimes they say silence is the best medicine and I agree. Im so tired I just wanna be free from feelings and consequences. By being free of consequences I can end it all. By god damn it it seems like no matter what I have to stick around a little longer. Sometimes I blame god for making me feel this way in fact I damn him. But sometimes in church when hearing the gospel it brings me peace but after that when I see the people around me its like the world begets what it begets. The weak get eaten, its a dog eat dog world. Why must I sacrifice or give way when no other would do it to me. The world is an evil place and I have to be so to survive. I have seen no good in the world so why must I be good to them. I spit on them and everybody else whos not my family. Is it wrong to feel this way? Am i sick?????? Am I beyond hope???? Most imporatantly how long more can I keep these secrets / feelings / conversations from my wife?
Promised to never leave me alone. But going back to Jakarta for 10 days with the kids. December is our busiest period how can I go. I gotta set an example for the staff. Its diff from last years trip to korea as dad is the one that initiated and bought the ticket signalling permission to go. Im not gonna ask him and risk getting fucked. Plus my Doreen is now so weak physically but is still trying her best to continue working for us how can I leave her here alone when it is the busiest period of the year. I go also got problem dont go also got problem.
Everyday living to the whims of my dad, doreen sure and carol sure is tiring. I love all 3 but everytime i do something or say something i have anticipate their reaction and gauge how
they will respond is really very tiring.
I had a Psychologist and Psychiatrist who I had been seeing for the past 4-5 years or so. The reason I started seeing a Psychologist was due to all the abuse that my dad has been giving to me and my mom and I couldnt take it anymore. I was referred to a Psychiatrist and started meds as there were pretty worried about me. I stopped seeing them last year when my business started going downhill.
I have comtemplated CTB even back when business was good but now that business is bad those dark thoughts have returned and much worse than before.
I cant talk to wife cause she has her own problems, cant talk to friends but I cant fully reveal much as all they can say is go to church, find god, be thankful and so forth.
I can only open up my feelings or be frank to myself by having a journal on my phone.
Do anyone else feel this way?
Heres my journal for those who wanna read.
I'm so tired…
Everything I do is like 1 step forward 2 steps back. I realized I've been searching for the wrong thing. I guess I'm only searching for a friend someone to share my feelings to. Afraid to share with others cos I'm afraid to be judged. Wrting it makes it so much easier to convey my feelings. Everybodys asking me to find god… I thank god for my family; I thank him to have such a wife who will go through thick and thin with me, I thank him for blessing me with 2 wonderful children… But I curse him for making me feel this way… I thank him for having me met you but I hate him for making me afraid to talk. I really just want someone to talk about the books I read, the movies I watched, someone who can understand me. I don't want any misunderstanding, I don't want any romances, I just want someone that I can talk to middle of the night. No obligations no judgement no miscontrued intentions, just someone to talk to. I think its true all of my friends or should I say people who I can be free and talk my feelings to are bought. I cant expect KY to be here for me 24/7, I love my wife but she has her limitations as well, Joanna can only be reached with 3 days notice so I guess pretty much anyone I wanna talk to has to be bought just like any other thing in life. I wanna be positive, I wanna be happy, I'm trying so hard but it seems like everything I'm doing is insuffiecient. I tried being happy but at the end I still feel the same… I dont wanna be a burden a obligation or an attention seeker. Oh god if only if I have the courage… Just a small step is all it takes. Scared to be alive afraid to die… A minute of pain should outweigh a lifetime of emptiness. Wanna tell my wife so many things wanna share my feelings with her, wanna be like before when I could tell her anything, maybe thats the cost of growing up being an adult. If only I could be 16 again, so innocent so carefree, unafraid of speaking what we are feeling. It seems like the older you get you need to bottle up your feelings and man up… I just wanna be numb from everything. Already taking so many pills what difference does a couple more make. I don't wanna feel anymore, everyday is like I'm in a coma, physically here but just floating. Sorry to everyone; sorry to both my mothers, sorry to my kids I'm not the father they hope to be, sorry to my wife for having a husband like me. Sorry to the world and anyone else that even cared, most of all sorry to me for not being true to myself. Not sure if this is the bottle talking or what but it seems the only time I can be truthful is when I see the btm of a bottle and at deepest of the night.
Too afried to be truthful too afraid to be judged.
Maybe thtats just what i am, i really appreciate carol and love her for being her but somtimes this darknesss inside overcomes all the things i have surroundung me. Like what i said too afraid to live too afriad to die. A mommnt of pain should overcome a life of darkness. Why do i feel this way? Dad thinks im on drugs ppl say i should stop the meds but the meds are the only thing stoppping me from thinking about death daily. Death would be a warm embrace compared to what im feeling now. Death is my dearest friend and i hope it takes me in my sleep. Mabe im a selfish bastard after all always thinking Bout my self. How i wish for deaths embrace. Coming home to an empty room after a hard days work is the worst feeling of all. Oh god pls give me the courage. 2 funnerals in one sure has a nice ring to it.
I wanna feel happy but I cant.
I feel happy with my kids but with my wife it seems like I'm pretending. Ever since what she said about and downplayed my depression I feel that she doesnt understand how I feel. She might blame me or my family which is what I do not want to happen. I can sometimes feel that she is trying but those little temper of hers makes me afraid to show my real emotions or feelings. I try to be close to her but I feel that ever since she said that it was like it brought me down to my knees . Imagine where should I even turn to when your wife doesnt even understand you. I hate the patriachy where men have to contribute everything and just sucking up their feelings. Is it so wrong to feel like this. I dint wanna fel this way but it comes and goes. I cant predict when it comes and when it goes. I really love my kids so much but some days I feel I can no longer hold back the feeling of dread. I call myself the empathy machine where I can switch on and off how I feel. Am I selfish am I crazy I cant tell. I really wish I had the courage to take that small step. I no longer feel a connection with my wife. I feel like if we dont have any kids I would have left long ago. I wanna go abck to when we still cared to when we still in love to when we didnt scream at each other. Definitely my fault for making her this way but I didnt mean for this to happen. Sometimes they say silence is the best medicine and I agree. Im so tired I just wanna be free from feelings and consequences. By being free of consequences I can end it all. By god damn it it seems like no matter what I have to stick around a little longer. Sometimes I blame god for making me feel this way in fact I damn him. But sometimes in church when hearing the gospel it brings me peace but after that when I see the people around me its like the world begets what it begets. The weak get eaten, its a dog eat dog world. Why must I sacrifice or give way when no other would do it to me. The world is an evil place and I have to be so to survive. I have seen no good in the world so why must I be good to them. I spit on them and everybody else whos not my family. Is it wrong to feel this way? Am i sick?????? Am I beyond hope???? Most imporatantly how long more can I keep these secrets / feelings / conversations from my wife?
Promised to never leave me alone. But going back to Jakarta for 10 days with the kids. December is our busiest period how can I go. I gotta set an example for the staff. Its diff from last years trip to korea as dad is the one that initiated and bought the ticket signalling permission to go. Im not gonna ask him and risk getting fucked. Plus my Doreen is now so weak physically but is still trying her best to continue working for us how can I leave her here alone when it is the busiest period of the year. I go also got problem dont go also got problem.
Everyday living to the whims of my dad, doreen sure and carol sure is tiring. I love all 3 but everytime i do something or say something i have anticipate their reaction and gauge how
they will respond is really very tiring.
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