Venting So... Made a for real effort to ctb last night...

[filthystray]

I had a lot of rum and wrote my notes. Left the majority of them at home for my mom to discover and distribute. Mixed up some more spiked drinks then left my home with one of the letters for my oldest brother. I got to his door and I had one last thing to take care of. I needed to make sure of one last thing. That my little brother who lives with me would take my money for rent so that him and my mom aren't homeless. So I called him up and he refused of course because he wanted me to not do it. That was okay though because I knew that if push came to shove he would probably do it anyway if I was successful. However what I didn't know was that he alerted my older brother who came out of his apartment and ushered me inside. I was drunk, emotionally raw, and just tired of it so I told him everything.... And it turned out that he is just like me. He has the almost the exact same reasons to not want to be here. He says he stays because others want him too. We shared a moment where he got the most emotionally I have ever seen him and I let him know that not everyone deserves him. But now I feel guilty... Like with him feeling the same way what makes it more okay that I wanna just go? Like I still feel like I would make another attempt but now I just feel like I don't have the right to.... I don't know

 

[hi-okbye]

i'm glad you and your brother had a bonding experience. personally, i still feel like you have the right to leave, i think we all do. i don't think it's fair to keep people suffering if they've suffered a lot and tried everything. of course it's your decision, i'm not encouraging you to ctb, just saying if that's what you need than i think thats okay. hope you feel better in whatever you choose good luck!