Story So I tried it today..

[isolatedcat]

So I tried it today, and I failed. I attempted Partial Hanging, and it didn't work at all.
Life has not gotten better at all, things keep on getting worse and worse.
I've tried everything, from nihilism to blind optimism to laws of attraction to being loving caring person, nothing seems to work. I see the absurdism in this. I'm not doing these things as some sort of pretense, I genuinely wanted to get better.
But no matter what I do, it comes full circle to me wanting to leave this place.

Mom died 2 years back, Father died when I was 8. She was the only reason I was here in the first place. I had decided I would complete her final rites and exit this place. I don't know how or why I've stayed this long, but every waking second is hard for me. I tried new hobbies, I tried playing sports, working out, learning a new language, but I don't know, it all seems pointless. I'm a writer, and I don't even feel like finishing my novel anymore, it doesn't feel like anything to me.

My mom was the only person who ever cared for me, seeing her go through hell everyday for me and my sister was enough of a lesson. I lost faith in humanity. People I've encountered are selfish and have no empathy.

I've tried honestly, so hard to persist. But I'm a weak man, a weak and a broken man, who at 32, is a child, who doesn't know anything. I don't know anything, I never grew up.

I've attempted it twice before, once when mum was in hospital, and I switched shifts with my sister, I tried to hang myself with a belt, but weirdly the neighbour's dog started barking at that exact moment, it usually never barks. It kept on gnawing at their door, our apartment doors are 10 feet apart. I don't know, it felt like divine intervention. I untied it and stayed alive for her, nothing really changed though.

Second time I pussied out as soon as I was about to lose consciousness.

Third time was today, I tied the knot perfectly, deleted all my social medias, wrote the note, prepped everything, then did it, I lost consciousness for a while, then I came to. I don't know how. I just remember like when you fall asleep and then you wake up, but it felt like I had a thousand thoughts running in my head, like I was still in a dream, persistent dreamlike thoughts and voices. I got up, untied the knot automatically, and thought I actually did die, because my mind was still processing it. But after that, I didn't feel the urge to do it again, in that moment. Nothing has changed, I'm still of the same mindset, I've not got any kind of positive outlook to anything, no hope. But I am afraid of doing this again. My neck hurts badly, my teeth ache and feel gritty as if I had been grinding them, my chest hurts from left and right area near the shoulders, its an intense pain. This method is not as easy as I thought. This was my only comfort, knowing I could exit any time I want, oh how wrong was I. Foolish of me to believe that this method would work for sure.

Maybe someday I will succeed. I don't know.
Thanks for reading.

 

[Dwa23500]

I am sorry that this has happened to you. I hope you find your peace someday my friend <3

 

[theboy]

Oh, im sorry
I hope you find peace

 

[jussaloser]

thankyou for sharing your story.
i myself struggle with the same thoughts (also wanna use the hanging method) and its really hard to achieve cause theres always somebody around.
best opportunity i had was 2 days ago when i stayed at the hotel alone but still couldnt get myself to do it.
i hope you find peace in whatever way u choose.

p.s. this site taught me that people with empathy actually exist.

 

[Alyysa]

im sorry you have to go through all that, peace will come

 

[D3vnull]

Thanks for sharing. Quite distressing though. So you were able to overcome SI, if you achieved unconsciousness, right ? That's a major achievment, one I am not sure I can do myself, despite all the suffering. Was planning to try it tonight actually, but now you say even that is not enough

On my previous attempt I chickened out too, but at some point I was fiddling with the noose and I lost track of some period of time, and kind of woke up with similar state of mind as you describe, dreamlike with a lot of nonsense... I feel that doing that too often is probably not a good idea.

Could you tell us what position you used ? Kneeling, standing...?

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be so awful failing the hanging method, failing ctb is exactly what I fear and I see it as being so cruel how it's this difficult to permanently escape from all the suffering. But anyway best wishes.

 

[isolatedcat]

Thank you all for your wishes, this is the only place that understands the pain, people in my life have disregarded the notion that I might want to leave. Often times I have to end up making it seem like a joke.

It must be so awful failing the hanging method, failing ctb is exactly what I fear and I see it as being so cruel how it's this difficult to permanently escape from all the suffering. But anyway best wishes.

Truly it is, the only thing that had been stopping me for all this time was the fear that what would happen if I failed. But now that I did fail, the one thing I'm thankful for is that it didn't leave any permanent damage, like I'm still capable of trying any other method. The only thing is that I have a huge mark on my neck.

Thanks for sharing. Quite distressing though. So you were able to overcome SI, if you achieved unconsciousness, right ? That's a major achievment, one I am not sure I can do myself, despite all the suffering. Was planning to try it tonight actually, but now you say even that is not enough

On my previous attempt I chickened out too, but at some point I was fiddling with the noose and I lost track of some period of time, and kind of woke up with similar state of mind as you describe, dreamlike with a lot of nonsense... I feel that doing that too often is probably not a good idea.

Could you tell us what position you used ? Kneeling, standing...?

I'm surprised at myself that I finally did let go, it was a moment that I cannot quite explain in words, it just happened after a lot of debate in my head.
I dont think I'm going to do partial again, it has sort of put a memory in my head that is too scary.

I was kneeling, but when I woke up from it I was sort of sitting.

thankyou for sharing your story.
i myself struggle with the same thoughts (also wanna use the hanging method) and its really hard to achieve cause theres always somebody around.
best opportunity i had was 2 days ago when i stayed at the hotel alone but still couldnt get myself to do it.
i hope you find peace in whatever way u choose.

p.s. this site taught me that people with empathy actually exist.

Thank you, yes this is the only place where I can share this and people would understand. Finally I had the courage to create an account, I've always lurked.

It's way scarier than I had imagined, the feeling of waking up, and I don't want to try it again, this method.

 

[TRIXI3]

Sending love and peace to you from a person who has unfortunately failed time and time again, I understand your pain all too well.

 

[bedhead_baby]

I'm very sorry you didn't find what you were looking for, and for the loss of your parents. But I must say, you're not weak. To find the courage to go through with it, you're not weak.

No one really "grows up." Not the way society claims, at least. Every adult I've worked with has been honest about having no idea what they're doing. We're all learning how to be people. I don't know very much at all. I rely a lot on my parents to help me through new things, even after moving out.

I think it's amazing that you're writing a novel! I hope you can find the inspiration to continue writing, even if it takes a long time.

I hope you can find passion to stay. If you choose to leave, I hope you find peace.

 

[D3vnull]

I'm very sorry for you, and I as well This was really comforting to know that I could ctb when things become completely unbearable (although I can bear a lot). the only hurdle being this damned SI. Now I feel even more scared and hopeless

If you don't mind me asking, I would very much like to know how you ended up sitting in a position where the noose was no longer blocking the arteries. Could it be the rope which stretched, or the fact that the muscles in the neck lose their resistance at some point in the process ? Maybe it is required to take more height margin and anticipate for this. But I 100% understand you do not want to ever do it again...

This makes me think that full suspension could be a better option after all, although I discarded it initially as too brutal, and too difficult to overcome SI. Is it something you would still consider ?

 

[▪︎⚠ ＫＯＨＩ ⚠▪︎]

It sure has to be tough.
Losing your mother and father and now feeling that you're by yourself, feeling lonely and that your life no longer has meaning if the only reason for you to continue standing has been lost.
I'm sorry for your mother's death, I mean, I'm a complete stranger but losing a family member is something I always thought should be respected.

Also, it maybe sound bad but I'm glad you didn't suffer any serious problem after failing at partial hanging. Hope the pain goes away soon, though.

 

[wildbluekiss]

that must be scary... failing the attempt, feeling the lingering, horrendous pain afterwards. like, the actual reasoning alone is painful enough, no? you just really had to go through that, how much more unfair life could go, i wonder. i wish you well.