Venting So Guilty

[Cringeque3n]

How do you guys deal with the guilt of everything you're suddenly leaving behind when you ctb? I am planning on doing it soon, just ordered sn on amazon and im just thinking about the when. A little background on me, i am 21 and have had a not so great life... my dad was very abusive and i remember watching him beat my mom in front of me, lots of issues with the parents. Then i was molested when i was 10 by a man that was renting our garage. I have a vivid memory of telling my mom what he did to me and she said "it's not that big of a deal" .. she denies jt. I always told myself it wasnt a big deal so never healed in the counseling after. Then i was sexually abused between the ages of 15-17 by my youngest sisters dad, and can never tell my mom about it because it she doesnt believe me ill have to die [lol] and if she does he will kill me/us. I just need to die because im so traumatized. I have bpd and am sex repulsed. My problem is my mom is such a worthless bitch shes undocumented and so fuxking dependent on me... im the oldest of 4 and she has a bank card under my name, all the utilities are in my name, our phone plan in my name... literally anything you can think of in my name ! And i have good credit so shes always bugging me about when are we gonna buy a house [in my name] and i just cant tell her that i fuckimg hate her and resent her so much because she doesnt know what he did to me and i could never tell her and i have to see my ugly ass little sister every day who is a reminder that he will be in my life forever.. like i can NOT get a long term house and have him know where i live and continue to be triggered constantly!! i just can't. Recently i started self harming... after going my whole life resisting !! I feel so ashamed that next summer ill suddenly have scars on my legs... i cant live through that. I need to just die. The panic attacks i have every day that my mom talks to that piece of sjit on the phone on speaker.. everyone speaks so highly of that stupid ass bitch. It's too overwhelming. I just need to write my goodbye letter and then i think when im ready maybe mid jan ill tell my mom and go from there... i just dont want to live through this or ANYTHING. life is miserable. How do you guys feel about everything you have to settle before you go? I hate my mom but at the same time acknowledge that she truly knows nothing and loves me so much and it would be fucked up to leave her undocumented ass so heartbroken and suddenly having to figure EVERYTHING out..

 

[livefreeorpeace]

When you were a child did your mother tell you that there are consequences for your actions? If she did I would hold her to the same standard she held you to as a child. She doesn't lack agency, just because she is your mother (in fact she had more agency as the adult parent than you did as a child) I wouldn't personally take heat for her misgivings, you need to let yourself off the hook (at least in regards to this one) and she needs to face the consequences for her actions. Don't enable her, or if you do, she will continue to exploit and take advantage of you.

 

[foxdie]

Welcome to the site although I'm sad you've been pushed here. I'm so sorry life has been so cruel to you. It's so unfair I haven't been able to figure out a way to release the guilt yet unfortunately. But reading your story, you have so many reasons to let it go. Your toxic and abusive family don't deserve you. Sending hugs friend, stay strong and do what's best for you